Previously on Jersey Shore: The cast, who delight in finding the tiniest reason to break up with someone, were shocked and horrified that Jionni (whose name rivals Ringer’s Siobhan in how tired I am of typing it) ditched Snooki when she chose to show everything below her waist to the clubgoers at Space Laser Super Good Time Disco, or whatever it was called. As Ronnie should have said, never recognize your own hypocrisy on the Jersey Shore.
It’s the next day and Pauly, Ronnie, and Deena go to work hung-over. Pauly explains that when people are hung-over, he likes to be loud and crazy. Pauly thinks that makes him funny but it actually makes him horrible. Deena is furiously insulted by her boss Marco when he GASP! asks her to do her job and clean the bathroom. What a slave driver!
Snooki wakes up and tried to call Jionni, but she only gets voice mail. Snooks tries to talk to J-Woww about her problem, thus forgetting how she didn’t want to have anything to do with Jenny the night before. Snooki goes to the local bar (at like 10 in the morning, I’d imagine) to drink and dance all by herself. After yelling her story at people in the bar and then telling them not to look at her like she’s crazy, Snooki continues acting crazy. Bored with this, she goes back home and calls her dad and berates him for not understanding. Then she berates Jenny for not being there the absolute second that Snooki wanted her, and after this and last week’s episode I’m fully convinced that Snooki is Snooki because everybody lets her be Snooki. If they maybe actually demanded some kind of quasi-adult behavior from her, she might begin to act like an adult. More and more, I’m moving over to Jionni’s side. If he changes his name, I’m fully on board.
We’re back from commercial and Snooki is throwing herself a pity party and she thinks she should maybe change, but of course Jenn says Snooki did nothing wrong and she was just being herself. But what if herself actually needs to change for the better (you know, like every human being needs to)? Jenny finally gets through to Jionni and tries to get him to work things out with Snooki. Nicole, still wearing albino wookie pelts on her feet, begs Jionni to come back, but he says no. He tries to explain to her that she promised to do one thing and didn’t and that she doesn’t even know what she did. Snooki responds by screaming and crying.
Jionni claims he is in Rome, but it turns out he’s still at the Florence train station. How did Jenn get this out of him? She should get a job on Law & Order. When she sees Jionni, Snooki embraces him and he weirdly keeps feeding her nuts (I think). Wouldn’t be the first time some guy fed her his … all right, you get it. Jionni can’t stay though, because his mother booked him a new flight after the Snooki debacle. Snooki, of course, says that nothing in her life goes right. “You mean, except for the tv show you have where you get paid for doing nothing?” Mrs. DLW wisely asks. Jionni, surprisingly free of luggage, hugs Snooki and leaves her crying on the stairs. This would all be much more heartbreaking if they didn’t already spill last week that she and Vinny have sex this episode. Ah, well.
Vinny and Pauly come up with another prank, using their famed, “What can we lift” strategy, and they stack furniture on Deena’s bed. See it’s hilarious because … hold on. I had this. It’s um, it’s funny because … wait, why is this funny? Maybe I don’t get it. Anyway, this all culminates with a naked Vinny rubbing his aptly-named junk on Deena. Brilliant wit, gentlemen. Oscar Wilde himself would be jealous.
The gang is getting ready to go to Central Park tonight. “Are they going back to New York City every night to go out?” asks Mrs. DLW. She is on fire tonight. Snooki, already over Jionni, decides to go out too. That was fast. On the way to the club, Deena confesses to us (and then to Jenn at the club) that she might be pregnant. While Snooki is choking/dancing with a guy at the club, Jenn & Deena go to find a pregnancy test. Deena is worried about being pregnant, partially due to the fact that she’s been leading a lifestyle that would make the cast of Mad Men blush, and also because she’s worried about embarrassing her family. She should have put the word “more” at the end of that sentence.
They go back home to take the pregnancy test and Deena is–hold on. What the fuck is up with Mike’s hair?? It’s all combed down and parted in the middle. What happened? This is a much more important mystery than Deena’s dumb pregnancy test. Since I’m not getting any answers to that question, we’ll have to go with the pregnancy test. Hmm, let me guess. Everything on this show has been a giant anticlimax, so I’ll say she’s not pregnant. And … yahtzee, I’m right.
Next morning Snooki calls Jionni to, as Mick Jagger sang, get her fair share of abuse. He is finally able to explain what angered him and she’s mad at him because she’s making him feel bad. Snooki, did you ever think you might have a reason to feel bad? Look, I know it seems like I’m coming down really hard on Snooki right now and without Snooki’s antics the show wouldn’t be what it is, but she’s still a real person and not a tv character and her actions have actual consequences (a point I seem to keep making to no avail). And yes, you can say that if Jionni is dating Snooki then he should be forgiving of her Snooki-ness, but then you have to also say that if Snooki is dating Jionni then she should be accepting of his worries about being humiliated.
But, look, no matter what you or I think, we can all agree that this is a lot more fun to watch than Ron & Sammi fighting.
Snooki’s solution to her depression is to go out and take advantage of the beauty that is Florence, one of my favorite cities in the world, and eat the delicious food and soak up their culture. Just kidding. She wants to not leave their home and transform it into one of the shitty Jersey clubs they love. And instead of anybody talking sense to her, they all agree like it’s the greatest idea ever. This is the worst.
At Club Fake Nonsense, Mike creepily flirts with Snooki as Pauly plays what I’m certain is terrible house music. Mike tries to convince Snooki to break up with Jionni (they’re not already broken up after all this?) and Mike confesses the reason why he loves Snooki, “She gets me.” Wait, there’s something to get about the Situation? I must have missed that episode.
And then, not to get all Ringer on this show, but there’s a huge fight between Snooki and Mike and Ron that makes almost no sense to me. It has something to do with people talking behind each other’s back. You know, on the show where they regularly have to go into a confessional and talk about other people behind their backs. Anyway, when that’s over, Snooki is frustrated that nobody has her back and goes to bed with Crocodilly.
Mike, dressed like early 2000’s P. Diddy, has a conversation with the girls about getting head from Snooki, and he’s a little surprised that Jenn and Sammi are offended. I might be a little surprised too. Isn’t this the same Snooki that Jionni should accept because she’s a wild kind of girl? And this, in a nutshell, is the Snooki problem. She wants to act a certain way and she wants to date a guy who doesn’t like that in a girl and she wants him to accept her and she doesn’t want to change but she wants him to change and she gets annoyed when anybody brings up any of her past actions. Snooki is that run-on sentence, and as much sense as that doesn’t make, that’s how much sense being Snooki doesn’t make. Snooki is allowed to be whomever she wants and make whatever choices she wants, and more power to her. But if she thinks that the world will open up to her and be okay with everything she does, then she’s delusional. Which she might be.
We end the episode with a tale of two hook-ups, one failed and one successful. Deena tries to get in bed with Pauly and that doesn’t work, but Snooki gets into bed with Vinny and that seems to take. “Make me feel like a woman,” Snooki says. Actually, she says what you think she says when she wants someone to bang her. Vinny makes sure Jionni is out of the picture (which I’m sure he isn’t) and they get to bonin’.
Good choices this episode, Snooki.
A few last things:
- 24 minutes into the episode until Mike shows up. Keep it up, show.
- Oh, also Ron seems to barely be in this episode. Nice work on that too.
- Mike needs to stop wearing his sunglasses on his nose like he’s the lead singer of P.M. Dawn.
- Pharmacies in Italy function like a weird speakeasy.
- Seriously, what happened to Mike’s hair??
All right, that’s it from me. Let’s transform the comment area into a club where we all want to go and talk shit about the Jersey Shore. Don’t worry about the bouncer; you’re all on the list.