New Girl. He Has This Power Over Me, like, He’s a Wizard and I’m His Mage.

FOX

In the second episode of New Girl, titled “Kryptonite,” there are a couple new things happening. The most noticeable is the deletion of Coach (played by Damon Wayans Jr.) and the addition of Winston (played by Lamorne Morris), who is Coach’s basketball-playing friend from college who used to live with the guys, but has spent the last two years playing professional basketball . . . in Latvia. The other new thing is the intro, in which Zooey wears the same red dress she wears in the episode. Which makes me wonder: Will the intro be different every episode? I don’t know if I would like that or be annoyed by it. Based on precedent (aka, the theme song of Weeds and The Simpsons intros) I would probably like it.

All right, so. The big issue of this episode is that Jess broke the apartment TV and is expected to provide a new one. The problem is, all of her stuff, including a nice TV, is still at her really fugly ex-boyfriend Spencer’s place. I mean really y’all. He is FUGLY. WHY WHY WHY DID SHE LIKE HIM?! FOR SIX YEARS?! Even if she is the strangest person ever, he is FUGLY and awkwardly tall and his hair is NOT beautiful. It’s greasy and gross and OMG I can’t even think about imagining it touching me without wrinkling my nose.

Anyway, we’re told by Nick (who is really the saving grace of this show) that it’s been a couple weeks since Jess has moved in and since her break-up, so it is now the time to go get her stuff. Specifically because she needs to provide a new TV. But since Jess isn’t normal, she’s not emotionally ready to face Spencer or their shared stuff.

Eventually she’s convinced to meet up with him in a park, and I swear y’all, I thought it was the same park from 500 Days of Summer. But upon close inspection of the park benches, I determined that it is not the same park. Or at least not the same park bench. So while she’s at the park, she sees Fugly Spencer and is trying to stay strong about telling him that she needs her damn stuff back, but she gets all annoyingly push-overesque and agrees to drive Richelle, aka the girl he cheated on her with, TO THE FREAKING AIRPORT. And to pick her up the next week.

So, at this point, I’m mad at Jess. She’s stupid and spineless and I want to yell at her.

Lucky for me, the rest of the cast does.

After finding out about the epic fail that was Operation Get TV From Spencer’s, the guys (meaning, really, Nick) and CeCe determine that Spencer is Jess’ kryptonite and then get her all riled up and ready to get her stuff back. Then she insists that they all go with her and they sit in the car and Schmidt and Winston argue over who is Top Dog (This was the B-plot of the show—Winston used to have the big room and when he moved out Schmidt took it over. Now Winston wants it back, but Schmidt doesn’t want to give it back. It was a back and forth thing.) and Jess keeps driving in circles whilst listening to heavy metal.

She finally decides to stop the car and get her stuff. So she does. But as she’s carrying the TV and two Vera Bradley bags full of stuff and several jackets and hats, she realizes that Spencer is wearing one of her shirts and she FREAKS OUT about it. So the guys get out of the car to help her. They all stand up to Fugly Spencer and put on Jess’ hats and Jess makes a speech about how she doesn’t know these guys, but she loves them, and then Schmidt slaps Spencer. And then they leave. And go back to the awesome apartment with lockers.  And try to set up the TV which is all kinds of jankity.

So, that’s basically the episode. I really didn’t love it. But I will say that I do like Winston the new roommate solely because of this line, “You don’t know me like that. But I NEED a TV.”

Also, Nick is the best.

Oh! Before I forget, let’s talk about the opening scene that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of the show. I’m pretty sure it was basically just an excuse for Zooey Deschanel to wear cute glasses and say a line about wearing a beard and sort of have good chemistry with Nick. The scene wasn’t funny or cute and just made Schmidt seem really insecure and weird.

Speaking of Schmidt . . . well, two things. 1) WHERE WAS THE DOUCHE-BAG JAR?! 2) Does anyone else think that he’s going to announce that he’s gay? I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen. Like, next episode.

All right, so! Let me know what you thought about the second episode of New Girl and whether or not you miss the Douche-Bag Jar (you do.) and your predictions on when Schmidt comes out, in the comments!