Previously on Ringer, I thought the first episode was better than expected, and the second episode was much worse than expected. You would think that would balance things out, but it didn’t. Someone on the show also made a body in a chest inexplicably disappear without a trace; also disappearing, my interest in the show. But that disappearance is hardly inexplicable.
We begin with Bridget flashing back to the entire plot of last week’s show, so it’s kind of like we get two segments of “previously on.” Well, at least it means less show. Andrew comes in as Bridget fondles the dead man’s phone and reminds us that Bridget’s supposed to be pregnant (which I forgot again) and lets us know that annoying stepdaughter Juliet is on a plane to Miami. She must have seen last week’s episode. He says he has a surprise for her. Another body in a chest?
Bridget calls Malcolm and gives Bridget a bunch of advice on what to do, since he’s also a fugitive running from the law. Oh, wait, he’s a community college professor. So why does he know all this? Because he’s a character on tv. Bridget, as she’s trying to figure out how to get to the serial number of the hit man’s cell phone (since that will be important, I guess) recognizes that the picture the hit man had of Siobhan (hate typing that name so much) is one he only could have gotten from Andrew. Or, you know, if it got posted to Facebook, it’s one anybody could have. Either way, Bridget thinks that Andrew hired the hit man to kill Siobhan. 4.2 seconds-long credits!
When we get back, Malcolm tells Bridget more on how to conduct an investigation. Is he a community college professor of covert ops? Someone asks Malcolm for the time, and apparently it’s clobbering time, because this guy knocks Malcolm out. He awakens in what looks like a large warehouse attached to a strip club. Guess who’s back, though, guys? It’s our #1 glarer, Matawi. You know what he does? He glares at Malcolm. Strong & unexpected work.
Who’s next in our character merry-go-round? It’s VICTOR MACHADO. Someone’s apologizing to him for not getting a warrant. Who dares defy Eyelash Jones?? Blah, blah, blah, we gotta close this case and get Matawi, blah, blah, blah. I feel like they could’ve mimed this scene and I would’ve gotten the same information.
The most helpful clerk in a shitty NYC electronics shop ever gives Bridget a bunch of information about the hit man’s cell phone. In my experience, the guys in these places usually just call me “bro” and ask if they can up-sell me on things that I don’t want or need. I need to find this store.
And bam, another character update. It’s Siobhan (shudder) in Paris, and she’s watching some American try to order a made-up drink called a Shizzitini, which is definitely not the shizznit. The dumb American’s name is Tyler Barrett and boy does he hit it off with Shiv (as she was dumbly called last week). They talk about his job, and it’s really realistic small talk, since I find all small talk super boring. Siobhan says her name is Cora Farrell, and I’m tempted to keep calling her Cora since it’s much easier to type. Cora seductively writes her hotel name and room number on his hand in lipstick. Don’t visit her, Tyler, she’s the evil twin! Tyler, you read this website, right? You love my Jersey Shore recaps, don’t you?
Anyway, Bridget goes to some address on a business card (I may have dozed off and not paid attention to how she got here) and is menaced by a shadowy figure. But before she can get assaulted, a door opens and Jemma is there. Oh, right, this is the surprise Andrew said he had for Bridget. He set up some dumb rich people fashion show/shopping trip for her. Jemma and Bridget talk about Andrew, and Jemma tells Bridget all about her marriage to Andrew. I always like it when my friends tell me about my marriage; it saves me having to pay attention. Meanwhile, Andrew and Henry have some sort of weird discussion about Andrew’s business. Henry’s going to pull his funding. Hot business capitalization intrigue!
The hit man’s cell phone rings, and the guy on the other end is nearby. How do we know? Because he saw her scarf fall! Dun-dun-what? The guy on the phone thinks he’s talking to Siobhan, and what does he want from Cora? His cell phone back. He can’t just buy a new one? He must be really low on cash after hiring that hit man. Bridget drops off the phone and then … she takes it back. Oooh, snap! Or not really.
Back to giant face picture apartment. Bridget tries to find out who dialed the phone, but the operator can’t help her. Caller ID block cock-blocked! She tries to call Malcolm, but he’s too busy getting beaten up. Gemma calls Bridget and … dear God, we’re only 25 minutes into the show? Come on, Ringer. Anyway, Bridget goes through Cora’s day planner and finds a business card for someone named Zimmerman. I could write more about this development, but it would require rewinding my TiVo. Pass.
Olivia and Andrew discuss Henry pulling his funding on the … you know, this is basically sitting in on a business meeting, and I’m fine with not snooping and letting Olivia and Andrew run their business without my observation. Bridget is heading up to the office on the business card and she runs into some woman in the elevator who recognizes her as Siobhan. And you know how Bridget slyly tricks this new woman? Guys, you’re not gonna believe how slick she is. She sees that the woman is holding an FAO Schwartz bag, and asks her, “How’s the family?” And it works! She’s a g.d. genius! Once she’s in the Zimmerman office, Bridget learns that Siobhan was once at this lawyer’s office talking about rewriting the prenup. Turns out Corabhan told the lawyer there might be some abuse. And we also learn that Andrew is hiding a property at 227 Pratt Street and so … Ugh, show. You’re so frustrating. Stop adding new incomprehensible plot elements.
Back at the apartment, Bridget searches for a file on 227 Pratt and finds one. But not so fast, former stripper, because Andrew is home and he knows you visited a divorce attorney. Uh-oh! Andrew isn’t violent, thought, he’s just disappointed in Bridget’s actions. While this is going on, I start drafting an email announcing my resignation from recapping this show.
Over at the stripper warehouse, in the surprisingly stripper- and organized-crime-friendly state of Wyoming, Matawi plays the voicemail Bridget left for Malcolm and then GASP he asks Malcolm a question. He speaks! He thanks Malcolm for the Juicy Fruit gum. No, actually, he asks him what the voice mail means. Matawi doesn’t like loose ends and he threatens Malcolm with his NA chip. I have no idea what this threat means.
Gemma goes to sign some papers at Olivia and Andrew’s office, but that’s a dead end. She’s about to leave when Olivia asks Gemma why Henry is pulling his investment. This is news to Gemma. I am, by the way, still not 100% sure what Andrew & Olivia do.
Bridget goes to 227 Pratt Street and I wish Chris Pratt was on this show; only two days until a new Parks & Rec! Who shows up at Pratt Street? It’s the creepy waiter from last week who probably moved the body from the chest and then found a way to clean up everything and possibly replace the chest. He was the one who wanted the cell phone before, and he wants it now! Bridget pulls a gun on him and wants to know what’s going on. I’m with you, Bridget. “Who are you working for?” she asks, and he doesn’t answer, of course. She runs away from him and is able to hail a taxi in like four seconds. It must be nice living in fake NYC. In the cab, Bridget pulls out her phone and dials … VICTOR MACHADO!
VICTOR MACHADO and Bridget talk about coffee for the second time in two episodes. He tells her all the things he knows about Siobhan and then she moves ten feet away from him. VICTOR, the most easily frustrated FBI agent ever, just shrugs and walks away. Bridget gets a call from the creepy waiter and she pretends that if anything happens to her, the FBI will know. Well-played, Bridget. Now she won’t have to give up that phone, not that I have any idea why it’s important that she keep it.
Oh, and then there’s a scene with Henry and Andrew. Here’s my impression of it: Hey, how come you told my wife I was withdrawing money? We’re kinda legally supposed to. Come on, dude, bros before hos, right? Hey, what can I do, my hands are tied. This is bogus, I’m out of here. Ooh, then there’s a scene with Olivia and Andrew. Here’s an impression of me watching it: Zzzzzzzz.
Gemma tries to get Bridget to go see Swan Lake. Hey, how cool was it to see Winona Ryder in Black Swan? I miss her being in movies. I had such a crush on her when I was … oh, shit, I’m supposed to be recapping Ringer. Um, okay, here’s the big plot twist: that picture the hit man had, it was Siobhan and Andrew’s Christmas card. There goes that theory about Andrew trying to kill her. And now I’m sure he was the one who hired the guy to kill her.
In Paris, Cora is making out with Tyler in her hotel room. But before it can get to dry-humping, Cora kicks him out because she has to throw up. She must be watching this episode. Or she’s pregnant. In New York, Cora’s twin sister wears a giant wrap to go and talk to Andrew. She explains why she went to the divorce lawyer before, but she says that all that’s over now. To put a period on her speech, Bridget, takes off her wrap and shows Andrew the dress he bought for her. She’s in tears because he bought her a dress and that the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for her. Just what we’ve all been taught: money is the root of all love.
In Wyoming, we finally get to learn what Matawi’s threat was. His henchman hold down Malcolm and Matawi pulls out a syringe. “Have a nice trip,” quips Matawi and injects Malcolm with drugs. Get it, guys? Have a nice trip. Because it has a double meaning. Anybody?
Our last image is Siobhan calling Henry but not being able to talk. Siobhan, gasp, is pregnant! Wait a second, we’ve known that for two weeks. That’s the cliffhanger?
Ringer, Ringer, Ringer. Our relationship is not long for this world.
A couple of final tidbits:
- There are like three or four scenes where other people tell Bridget all about herself, thinking she’s Siobhan. If I’m ever impersonating someone, I hope people do the same for me.
- I’m pretty sure 227 Pratt Street is where Mary, Pearl, Rose, and Sondra lived, right? It’s really gone downhill.
- I’m still not clear why a strip club needs a back warehouse area. Are stripper supplies that bulky?
- A shizzitini? Really, writers??
All right, there’s no easy way to say this, but this show has gone from “better than expect” to “it blows” in a very quick succession. But it’s not all about what I think, what do you think? Let’s talk about it below.