HOLY LAUREL’S ONE-LINERS, BATMAN! These writers have OBVIOUSLY been reading our reviews and know how much we love Laurel. Or maybe they just love her as much as we do. I truly don’t care what the answer is BUT OMG did Laurel have some great one-liners in last night’s episode, “Escape from Sutton Island.” I’m a GINORMOUS Gilmore Girls fan and was literally bouncing and squealing and fangirling when Laurel told Emma who their respective Gilmore equivalents were. OMG. So much Caroline Cash*, ya’ll. Laurel could buy herself an entire case of thousand dollar bottles of wine. (We’ll get to that in a bit.)

Ok, let me tell you about the other shit that went down in this episode real fast, then we will return to the AWESOME that is LAUREL.

Actually, it all boils down to Annie Stuff. Let’s break it down by CITY, shall we?

Los Angeles
So, last week we had a nice cliffhanger when Sutton was suddenly grabbed from behind upon finding Annie in the psych hospital. This episode opens with Sutton wearing scrubs and yelling at the Evil Doctor Lady about her rights being violated. She swears her name is Sutton Mercer and that the Evil Doctor Lady should call her family in Phoenix. Instead, Evil Doctor Lady calls Adiran Pasdar, so he has THE KNOWLEDGE that there are two Sutton Mercers running around the western United States.

So, Evil Doctor Lady tells Sutton that she knows she isn’t Sutton and Sutton starts screaming about how she and Emma switched identities and that just makes her sound banana-pants crazy. Two orderlies (is that PC? Are they male nurses? murses? No, that’s what we call man purses. Oh hell, I give up.) come in with giant syringes and Sutton changes her tune and says that she is Emma Becker.

A little later on, Evil Doctor Lady asks Sutton how she’s doing and if she’s ready to go home. Sutton asks if she can stay one more night for her mental health’s sake. THEN one of the orderlies comes over and is all “You look fine to me,” and then Sutton basically prostitutes herself out for fifteen minutes of freedom from her room in the middle of the night and his keycard. OH, SUTTON.

So when she gets out of her room, she obviously goes to Annie’s room and asks her questions. Annie talks about how she’s so sad that she killed Emma in the fire and then Sutton tells her that Emma is still alive and Annie goes APE SHIT INSANE and starts yelling about how “they” told her she was dead and that “he” wouldn’t lie to her. She’s throws such a damn fit that the orderlies come and take Sutton away from Annie. Then at the end of the episode, Sutton is being allowed to “go home” and because she’s at a psych hospital she has to be cuffed and escorted out. Sutton acts all confused and says something like “But I thought I was going home?” And then Evil Doctor Lady says, “Yes, Emma. Back to Las Vegas.” WHAT WHAT WHAT. I really didn’t see that coming. I was SHOCKED.

Phoenix

Not a close-up, but you can still tell how BAD this make-up is. via ABC Family

Soooo Eduardo the Hot Male Ballet Teacher is in the hospital and has the WORST CAR ACCIDENT VICTIM MAKEUP EVER EVER EVER. Y’all it is seriously bad. I actually laughed out loud when I saw it. Anyway, he KNOWS things because he overheard Adrian Pasdar’s phone conversation that one time. Eduardo sees Emma and says something like, “It’s you.” and then he codes. Or something else medically scary. So now Emma and Ethan and Thayer are convinced they need to get back into his room to find out exactly what he knows. But this is being made difficult because Adrian Pasdar convinces Ted that Eduardo KNOWS THINGS and that all their kids/kids’ friends should be kept away from Eduardo. At the end of the episode, Adrian Pasdar talks to Eduardo about what he overheard when he was forced by Mads to hide behind the French doors, and Eduardo says he remembers nothing. And then Emma & Co. break in to talk to him and he’s coding. I’m pretty sure he died, but I’m still a little fuzzy on that front. (Tentative RIP Eduardo the Hot Male Ballet Teacher)

Ok, what else. Ethan and Thayer sort of get into a weird macho-fight in the hospital and somehow it comes out that Sutton and Thayer slept together. So now Mads (who is wearing the same shirt tied in a off-center front knot, circa 1992, she was wearing in the last episode.) and Char are mad at “Sutton” and they all have a friendship break-up. But not for long because at the end of the episode Emma (as Sutton, mind you) tells them the mostly-truth: that she’s close to finding her bio-mom and that she thinks Adrian Pasdar knows who it is and that Thayer has been helping her out in the search.

Let’s see . . . (I really want to focus more attention on Laurel, so I’M SORRY if I’m skipping over other stuff. Actually, I’m not.) Thayer and Emma talk a whole bunch and Ethan doesn’t like that. There are a couple really creepy scenes involving Emma being paranoid when she’s alone. At one point she maces (the spray, not the spikey weapon) Ethan, but he seems fine so apparently she did not do a good enough job. Or he’s just impervious to mace. I suppose he can have a Pacey Point for that.

Char and Thayer share what is probably THE MOST ANNOYING SCENE IN TV HISTORY when Thayer tells Char that Adrian Pasdar and Derek have been calling each other. (Oh yeah, Thayer figured that out with his awesome techno-spy skills.) Then they flirt and she giggles and its UBER-ANNOYING. Any Caroline Cash she might have received in the last episode has been revoked due to that giggle.

OK. I THINK THAT’S IT. LET’S TALK ABOUT LAUREL.

So, Laurel has decided that Justin is The One. When she proclaimed this to Emma, this is what I wrote in my notes (because I take notes):

LAUREL NO. HE IS NOT THE ONE. Oh. She’s talking about virginity. Nevermind. Ok then.

So there you have it! Laurel has decided that she wants to lose her virginity to Justin and she is adorably excited about this. She keeps asking “Sutton” what having sex is really like and Emma does a very sweet job of telling Laurel that she needs to choose a guy who isn’t going to a break her heart or just use her to be her First. (Which begs the question, do we think Emma has had sex? I’m thinking no.) But Laurel is sure! She’s ready! And she wants it to be with Justin!

So, she starts planning their special night together and it’s going to include a couple bottles of wine. (Remember the wine from the beginning of the post?) As she’s pulling the bottles out from the liquor cabinet she says to Emma, “I’m pretty sure Dad has the thousand dollar bottles under lock and key.” Which means they have THOUSAND DOLLAR BOTTLES OF WINE. I don’t even know what to do with that information. Except be jealous.

Ok, so Laurel goes over to Justin’s “place” and to get things ready before Justin arrives. She wears a very lovely blue nightie and there’s Ryan Adams new song “Lucky Now” (which is pretty much my current obsession) playing in the background and when Justin shows up he’s all “Wow you look nice” and she’s all being forward but also really sweet and then he kind of goes all Dawson for a bit talking about how he’s really falling for her and blah blah blah. But eventually he gives in. They start making out and then THE SHOW CUTS TO A DIFFERENT SCENE. Which annoys me. If Laurel is going to be the Caroline of The Lying Game we need to see that sex scene! These writers need to go watch some more Vampire Diaries before writing their next episode.

So, later, Kristen is FREAKING OUT because Laurel always comes home and just got her license and OMG WHAT IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED. So she convinces Ted that they need to go by Justin’s and see if she’s there. Now, how they find Justin’s, I have no idea, since he’s squatting in a foreclosed home and his address in the student directory is false. I guess they could have driven around Scottsdale and looked for Laurel’s car. Anyway, the important part is that they FIND Laurel and Justin being all cuddly (and clothed!) in a foreclosed home, and Laurel insists nothing happened and that she just fell asleep. In his arms. Wearing his T-shirt. I suppose we’ll find out what sorts of repercussions will be taken in THE NEXT EPISODE.

So, that’s kind of the end of the Laurel story line for this week. But! We’re not done with our girl quite yet. Now, I will give you her three FANTABULOUS one-liners from this episode. Because they were GREAT.

• “Romantus Interruptus!”—she yells this when she walks in on Emma and Ethan having a serious discussion about his respective feelings for Sutton and Emma.
• “I’ve got to say having a boyfiend who lives in an abandoned house alone has its perks.” —Ok, so out of context this isn’t so great, but in the episode I loved the hell out of it. Maybe it’s just because she said it.
• “You’d have to be Lorelai, because I’m so obviously Rory.”—This is seriously my new favorite line in anything. Ever. (Yes, I’m being hyperbolic. But only a little.)

OH BEFORE I FORGET! So, we know that Sutton is headed to Las Vegas, where Travis/Tim Tebow the pervy foster brother lives. BUT WAIT. At the end of the episode, Emma is in a robe in Sutton’s room and TRAVIS/TIM TEBOW rolls in and is all “So you have a twin. What’d you do, kill her?” AND THEN THAT IS THE END OF THE EPISODE.

Ok, I think that is ALL. If I missed anything major, please feel free to berate me in comments. :)

*Caroline Cash is the girl equivalent of Pacey Points, named in honor of the incredibly fantastic Caroline Forbes on TVD, and provided by the fabulous Melissa.