Previously on Jersey Shore: The show finally got good when Snooki and Deena got super drunk and ruined another city in Italy, all while trying to eat each other’s faces. Then things got super serious when Snooki hit a police car, and we all remembered that Snooki isn’t a delightful character on a tv show; she’s an actual person who makes decisions that have real consequences. That part was a bummer.
This week, in true Jersey Shore misdirection fashion, we learn that in the breathalyzer test we saw last week, Snooki blew a zero. This isn’t the first time Snooki’s blown a zero. Rimshot! I should end this recap right now, that joke’s so great! Anyway, Snooki & Deena get thrown in the back of a cop car. Mike, Pauly, and Vinny show up with the license, but it’s too late. Our young heroine has been taken to the hoosegow!
The boys arrive at the police station, and I’m a little shocked this is the first time they’ve been there. And then after, as Mike puts it, “molto, molto paperwork,” they spring Deena and Nicole. We learn that Snooki can’t drive in Italy anymore, she has to pay some fines, and … that’s it. Wait, you’re serious, Jersey Shore? All of this for just that? Come on, show! I apologize. What I said before about Snooki being a person whose decisions have real consequences is clearly not true.
Snooki, because she hasn’t had enough bad things happen in one day, calls Jionni. Upon hearing about the crash, Jionni, like the tender boyfriend he is, first asks if she was drunk, then asks if she’s okay. He also informs us that Roger, J-Woww’s knight in spray-tan armor, is too busy with work to come to Italy. Jenny’s really sad about this and Roger explains it well, but this is how adults deal with things. Pay attention, rest of the Jersey Shore cast.
To cheer Jenn up, the girls go out. To calm Snooki down, Snooki stays in. Because it’s a day ending in Y, the boys go out too. Back at the apartments, Brittany, one of our favorite recurring characters, shows up looking for Mike. She likes Mike because he’s different and spontaneous. Those are nice euphemisms for terrible and reckless. Snooki has Brittany go into Mike’s bed, and shortly thereafter, Mike and the boys show up with some ladies. Drama! Or some terrible facsimile!
Mike finds Brittany in his bed and the Australian girl he brought home makes a lot of unhappy faces. Since Mike’s not 100% sure the Aussie lassie will have sex with him, Mike kicks her out so he can have sex with Brittany. He is different and spontaneous!
The next morning, Snooki is freaking out because she still feels bad about hitting a police car. Just kidding, she does it because Jionni is going to be coming to Italy that day. When Jionni finally arrives (with just one suitcase? Has he learned nothing from his girlfriend??), they have a tearful reunion and Snooki locks herself out. Classic.
Snooki wants to take Jionni to the smush room immediately, but he wants to shower. Shower after, Jionni, that’s when you’ll really need it. While Jionni & Snooki literally bump uglies, the Situation realizes that nobody is paying attention to him, so he invents a beef between him and Jionni and then does karate moves. He is quickly becoming Mac from It’s Always Sunny.
At Club Manduca, Snooki gets drunk and dances; guess which one she’s better at? Mike keeps talking about keeping his guard up and being ready to fight. Mike is creating a problem in his own head, and it’s ridiculous and also pretty great. Mike, who’s been giving weird looks to Jionni all night, tells the guys that Jionni has been giving him weird looks all night. Maybe head-butting a wall gave him more problems than we realized.
At another club, Snooki shows her vagina to everyone there and Jionni, shockingly, doesn’t find this delightful. He walks out of the club, and Mike can breathe a sigh of relief, I guess. Snooki runs after Jionni, and Ronnie, the voice of reason of the house, tries to intervene. In the worst soap opera episode ever, J-Woww yells at Snooki saying, “Look at what you’re doing, please stop!” Snooki screams and Deena adjusts her bra. Can’t Italy arrest them all?
Ronnie and Jionni have a meeting of the minds (pause for laughs) and Ronnie acts like Jersey Shore is The Godfather, what with his, “this is the life we’ve chosen” speech. While Ronnie is talking, I rhyme Ronnie and Jionni in my head over and over again. I feel that’s time better spent than listening to Ron. Snooki cries all over Sammi & Deena while Jenn walks the streets of Florence barefoot. It’s like the film Fellini never made, because he made good films Vinny tries to bring logic into the situation, noting that Jionni’s luggage and passport are back at the apartment, so it’s not like he can leave forever. Damn you, Vinny, for making sense amidst all this melodrama. That’s no fun.
The boys finally find the solution to everyone’s problems: they cook hamburgers and hot dogs. Sorry, they overcook hamburgers and hot dogs. It’s no dumber than any other solution the Jersey Shore kids have offered. Jionni finally returns home and wants nothing to do with Snooki. When Snooki confronts him and asks him why he’s mad, he asks her if she remembers flashing the club. No, she lies or drunkenly can’t remember, so he breaks up with her. My favorite thing about this is that Sammi realizes how terrible Ron-Sam drama was for the rest of the Jersey Shore kids.
Jionni packs his bags and gets in a cab. Well, that was a fun visit. Nearly everybody in the house faults Jionni, saying he should know what he’s getting into when he dates Snooki. I translate this as, “If you date one of us, you better be pretty horrible, because we’re all pretty horrible too.” I’m not sure that’s how they see it.
A few last things:
- The boys go out to Space Electronic Disco. That name feels like it was translated from English to Japanese to Italian and back to English.
- Mike refers to lady parts as “hot dog buns.” Weird and gross.
- Snooki cleans up the Smush Room to make sure “they don’t get diseases.” She forgot the word “new.”
- Jionni: “I never loved something so much in my whole life.” Notice, “something,” not “someone.”
- “See ya. You’re single,” may be among the top 5 break-up lines of all time.
All right, that’s it on my end. Comment below and tell me how Jionni’s really at fault, tell me how it’s not hypocritical that these guys who break up with girls at the drop of a hat think Jionni is overreacting, or just tell me how great my breathalyzer joke is.