Previously on Ringer: I didn’t know what day it was and the CW probably should have thrown the producers a few extra bucks to clean up that boat scene. That should do it.
We start where we left off, with SMG standing over a dead body. Bridget calls Malcolm (who’s a professor, ooh fancy) and tells him she shot someone. I was just going to make fun of her for leaving it on voicemail, but then she deletes it. Damn you, show, for not letting me mock it. Bridget goes all Blood Simple in trying to clean up the body, but it’s too late, because her best friend Gemma arrives. And credits. They should really trim these down; they just go on and on.
Gemma does another fake freak-out where we think she’s talking about something bad but it turns out to just be rich people problems. She doesn’t know about the dead body. Phew. Gemma confronted her nanny about the affair she may be having with her husband, but it’s a dead-end. Much like the Gemma character herself.
Bridget goes back to her empty apartment with the giant picture of her twin sister and cleans the place out while a way-too-on-the-nose song plays. “Who are you really” the singer subtly trills, as Bridget grabs a bunch of her sister’s shit, including an ATM card. Andrew returns and reminds us that Bridget’s supposed to be pregnant. Thanks, dude, I had kinda forgotten.
The next morning, Bridget wakes up and sees her stepdaughter Juliet arriving at the apartment. Juliet’s coming down off a high and her clumsiness reminds Bridget of her drinking days (which was, I guess, more than nine days ago). Actually, this flashback is from a time when Bridget depended on her sister. I’m not sure how illuminating a flashback that was, since we already saw Bridget in AA.
Next up, we meet Andrew’s business partner, who is suitably British, brunette, and model-looking, as most business people are. They talk about something that doesn’t really interest me, but I get that she doesn’t like Siobhan and she probably wants to bang Andrew. That’s the purpose of this scene, right? Meanwhile, Bridget goes back to the new apartment to clean up the body. In a remarkably grisly moment, she picks up a circular saw and seems to consider using it to chop up the body. But before she can, Malcolm calls her to reassure and support her. He wants to meet her halfway (across the skies?), and she agrees, but before she can go, it’s the return of VICTOR MACHADO (a name so masculine, it has to be capitalized).
VICTOR MACHADO wants to use her bathroom, and the script reminds us that cops like coffee and donuts. Groundbreaking. After getting the brush-off, VICTOR MACHADO goes to talk to the local Feds (right?) about Andrew & Siobhan in his never-ending quest to find Bridget. Intense file-reading action!
Our two most boring characters, Gemma and Henry have a fight about the affair he’s having. You can only imagine how much I want to talk about this. Bridget goes to use the ATM card, but she can’t get the pin right. Instead, she goes to the teller who asks her to come with her. Ooh, buste… oh, wait. Bank Manager Harrison Atkins, who isn’t masculine enough to have all caps, helps out Bridget and gives her a whole bunch of Siobhan’s money. And with that massive wad of cash, she heads to the airport.
I’m going to pause a minute and wonder why any bank manager isn’t concerned about a client needing a whole bunch of cash when I’m sure she pays for everything with credit cards. Wouldn’t he think she’s getting money for a ransom payment or something? Oh, well.
On her way to the airport, Bridget learns from Andrew that the cocktail party tonight isn’t going to happen wherever it was gonna happen (I mean, the original place doesn’t really matter) and it’s really going to be … where? In the loft! Where the body is!!! Dun-dun-dunh! (If you can’t tell, I’m becoming rapidly disenchanted with Ringer. Sorry, SMG.)
Bridget goes back to the loft to stir the sauce and then she and Karen have to go and buy some silencers and still get the babysitter her lucky hat. Oh wait, wrong story. Bridget gets back to the loft and we think that the body is going to be revealed, but it’s not! Fake out!! Bridget meets with the party planner, who is kind of a gay Adam Scott (ooh, Parks & Rec premiere in two days!), and gets him to get everybody out of the place so she can have time to ineptly hide the body again.
Back at her regular apartment, Bridget gives Juliet a very “The More You Know” speech about addiction. Juliet, like me, does not seem to care. At the party, Bridget is dressed like a combination of slave Leia and Sharon Stone in Casino (see above picture), and she is ready to party to shitty techno music (which may be a redundant phrase). Bridget talks to the rich people at the party but she’s too busy staring at her super-secret body-stashing chest to fake caring.
Flirty business partner comes back and we learn from Gemma that Olivia is the partner’s name, and that she’s a financial genius. Bridget really wants to have a drink at the party, but before she can, Henry arrives. That should make her want to drink more. But in a stroke of good luck, the body-hiding trunk starts bleeding so she can stop talking to Henry. In Henry’s place, though, is the arrival of VICTOR MACHADO.
VICTOR MACHADO tells us all about the history of the building we’re in, and boy it’s as fascinating as it sounds. He’s probably insinuating that Siobhan is hiding Bridget in the apartment, but he never gets to that because Gemma is too busy slapping Henry. Bridget finally tells VICTOR MACHADO to get the hell out, and, of course, he does. Why wouldn’t he? There’s been nothing suspicious. Andrew and Olivia try to give a speech, but they are interrupted by a phone call coming from … inside the trunk!!
How does Bridget solve this little problem? She gets the phone out of the trunk. Brilliant! But there’s a nosy waiter who may have seen something. Or not. Anyway, after the party is over, Olivia snarks it up about the pregnancy, and Andrew makes a rich person’s joke. Gemma stops by and she keeps struggling to find a character beyond all the clichés (by the way, I totally blame the writers, not the actress for this).
In the middle of the night, Bridget wakes up and prepares to take off to meet with Malcolm. But before she can leave, she hears Juliet throwing up in the bathroom. Juliet, who weirdly looks like a young Rose Byrne, took some strange pill from a girl at a bar (haven’t we all been there?) and now she likes Bridget again. The flashback express takes us back to Lake Tahoe, nine years ago (this show loves nines!) and we see Siobhan go to pick up Bridget at a bar, who’s drunk because she got fired. Siobhan didn’t like drunk Bridget, so Bridget is nice to drugged-up Juliet. Andrew sees his wife being nice to another human being and he is touched, or puzzled, or some other emotion. It’s hard to tell.
Bridget calls up Malcolm and leaves him a message saying she can’t go because for the first time in her life people depend on her and not the other way around. That’s kind of a terrible reason to stay, but whatever. Anyway, Malcolm gets the message and is glared at big time by Matawi for the second episode in a row. He is a terrible gangster or murderer or whatever. But he is a pretty good glarer.
In the city of Paris, where Larry David is still yelling at someone for being a pig parker, the real Siobhan tries to withdraw some money, but she learns that the account has been closed by Bridget. Be-hatted Siobhan gives the episode’s title with, “She’s ruining everything.” And finally, when Bridget goes to move the body yet again, the body is missing!! What in the … oh, whatever.
All right, it’s not all that difficult to discern from the tone of this recap, but I did not enjoy this episode. It basically felt like: I’ve gotta hide this body; phew, I hid this body; uh-oh, here’s a complication that might make people find this body, so I gotta hide this body. And repeat. All of that was less than riveting. Get better, Ringer!
Okay, a few last things:
- Boy, Rock Springs Community College has some hunky professors, and a fairly nice campus if I remember from the pilot episode.
- On the phone call with Malcolm, Bridget claims the body is hidden. Um, isn’t it just “hidden” in a bag (and later a trunk) in the apartment? Won’t it begin to smell soon??
- I don’t care for “Shib” as a nickname for Siobhan.
- The commercial for my local news affiliate on this channel had this question in it, “A school with no playground: What’s up with that?” My news station really asks the tough questions.
Okay, folks, tell me I’m crazy and this episode was even better, or tell me I’m right about everything, or tell me your chosen nickname for Siobhan. Just tell me in the comments below!