The only other thing not really connected to the witch/vampire standoff was Sam and Alcide going after Marcus, so let’s tackle that next.  Marcus had kidnapped his daughter from school and taken her to Debbie’s house, to try to convince her to run away with him and be Emma’s new mommy.  But as it turns out, the kid knew how to work a phone (go figure) and called Sam’s cell from Alcide’s number.  So the two of them bust in there with Wonktits and have her take the kid out, and then they go up to the boudoir.  Because, you know, the logical place to have this conversation is in a bedroom with your pants off.  Needless to say, this did not go well for Marcus.  He and Sam were having a hand-to-hand, no shifting fight, and Sam was kicking Marcus’s ass, but decided to let him live with the knowledge that he’s a piece of shit who got his ass kicked by a shifter.  Um, BAD MOVE, dummy.  Obviously Sam did not learn his lesson from Zombieland, which is to not just kill the bastard, but to double-tap.  Oh, SAM.  And you know the really amazing thing about Sam?  He STILL doesn’t fuck shit up as much as Tara.

Anyway, Marcus starts to turn, grabs Sam’s gun, and is about to shoot him (also, sidenote, this is the primary reason why I don’t own a gun–I just know someone would turn it on me), so Alcide also semi-shifted, pinned Marcus down, got the gunshots to go into the wall and not into a person, and then he killed him.  While Debbie watched.  And then the following shit went down, not in this order: Sam and Alcide had a VERY awkward moment where Emma asked where her daddy was and Wonktits connected the (probably crooked, in her case) dots, and Alcide abjured Debbie.  Let’s discuss this.

I actually had to look up whether or not abjure was a real word, and it turns out it is, more or less meaning a formal version of a shunning.  And I remember Alcide abjuring Debbie in the books, and I feel like it made a lot more sense there because in the books, Alcide was the leader of the pack (vroom, vroom) and he was kicking her ass out.  Here, he was just dumping her.  Or vowing not to sleep with her … but they were already planning on getting married, so I thought he’d already more or less vowed that.  ZING!

Okay.  Let’s get down to serious business.  Most of the episode was devoted to the Moon Goddess Emporium stand-off, and here’s the gist–Marnie killed a witch that she perceived as a threat, Antonia wanted out of Marnie, Marnie wouldn’t let her (all of this was witnessed by Lafayette with his medium mojo), so Jesus pretended the dead witch was alive and he was going to try to save her, but really he used her blood (by fingerblasting her stab wound, and oh god … the google search hits I’ll get on THAT phrase) to break Marnie’s binding spell over Antonia, and in doing so, he got his demon face back on.

On the Bill and Eric front, Jason stopped them from using the flamethrower because Sookie was in there, and the hilarious “Fuckin’ Sookie!” scene happened.  They convinced Marnie to come out and negotiate, which she agreed to, and brought Sookie with her since vampires seem to like her (which is an understatement).  She would give Sookie back on the condition that both Eric and Bill kill themselves, which of course they both agreed to.  So just as it was about to go down, Pam lost her shit and busted out the flamethrower because she wasn’t about to let Eric do this over SOOKIE (and personally, I’m with Pam on this one).  The barrier stopped the flamethrower but then the deal was off, and Marnie dragged Sookie back in and made everyone join hands to necromance the shit out of the gang outside.  As all this is happening, Jesus and Lafayette are still in the bathroom working on breaking the binding spell.

Okay, so the circle, which Sookie is a part of even though she’s not a witch (yeah, I don’t know), starts to work and the gang starts doing the worst Thriller flash mob I have ever seen and heading for the barrier.  Sookie somehow gets a sense of what’s going on, probably through all her various blood bonds (slut!), and her fairy power comes out and blasts everyone back against the wall.  The vamps stop short, although Jessica has half a burned face, and get a grip on what’s going on.  In the eye of the hurricane (so to speak), Jessica realizes that Jason is burned to fucking SHIT, blind, and dying.  She gives him another dose of blood, he confesses her love to him, and I continue to worry about the fate of Hoyt on this show, because he is my True Blood crush.  Although it IS amazing how instantly hot Eric became, once again, as soon as he was back to being a total asshole.  An asshole in LOOOOOOVE.

Meanwhile, Marnie is pissed at Sookie for fairy blasting them and she puts Sookie into a burning ring of fire (she didn’t go down, down, down yet, but if I know that skank Sookie, it won’t be long).  Eric and Bill sense her fear but can’t really do anything, but thankfully, at that moment, Jesus pulls through, Antonia gets out of Marnie, and all the big spells are broken (including, I assume, the rotting spell on Pam).  Pam tries to do damage control with Eric, saying she knew the barrier would stop the flamethrower (bullshit), but he’s still super pissed at her so she fuckin’ bails.  Because unlike Tara, Pam makes good decisions.  Bill and Eric bust in, Sookie convinces them that Marnie was behind it all, and Bill just goes to TOWN on her with a machine gun.

OH!  But I forgot maybe my favorite part!  That guy with the kind of long hair and beard that’s always all up Marnie’s ass told Eric and Bill they’d have to go through him first.  HAHAHAHA!  Amazing.  So Eric sped right on over there, ripped his heart out (Elijah style!) and drank it like a fuckin’ JUICEBOX.  You guys.  I DIED.  It was so gross and funny … I thought I liked blood bag Capri Suns, but this took it to a whole new level.  Awesome.

Alright.  So that’s what happened there.  Usually I don’t go into such great detail with the plot, but I kind of felt like it was necessary this time.  A lot went on and, you know, it’s kind of what we’ve been building to all season.  But the BEST thing was the absolutely WTF ending, where Lafayette and Jesus were in bed, and Lafayette was convincing Jesus not to feel bad about Marnie and instead to focus on how many people he saved, and then Jesus fell asleep and LAFAYETTE SAW MARNIE FLOATING OVER HIM AND THEN SHE POSSESSED HIM, OMFG!  I can’t wait for next week–where usually True Blood kind of uses their penultimate episode as a finale and the season finale as a set up for the next season, the next episode actually looks like it’s gonna be super action packed and insane.  Yay!  These last few episodes have really brought me back around.

Also, because it really must be said, I have LOVED Nelsan Ellis this season.  He’s been really great, as always–he’s always one of my faves, but I just feel like this season, he’s gotten to show off some real acting chops while having to act like all these other people.  He’s been incredible.  You hear that, bitches over there at the Golden Globes (the only awards show I truly enjoy, because of all the drinking)?  Nelsan Ellis FTW.

Also because it must be said, I think a couple of people maybe need to settle down on their workouts.  Debbie’s shoulders are putting Alcide’s to SHAME, and Tara’s guns are well on their way to surpassing Lafayette’s.  Holy SHIT, y’all.

Oh, and before I finish, Alcide–murder made him hotter and more interesting, yes?

Okay.  I’m done, FINALLY.  What did you guys think?  Favorite moments?  Thoughts?  Funny lines that I missed?  Things you’re excited about for next week?  Comments, comments, comments!