Welcome to Cat, who is wearing a bath mat, according to the wife. But if you think she looks like a freak, Lady Gaga blows her out of the water. She is dressed like Master Bison from Street Fighter.

Also, some guy that had something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean is a judge too. Drink a shot whenever he says ‘exquisite.’ Just kidding – we don’t need anyone dying on us. Also, get your Pirates of the Caribbean fix before moving on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI6CfKcMhjY

The format for the night is each of the eight dance with an all-star, then they dance in four pairs. The elimination will be a bottom two girls and bottom two guys with a guy and a girl going home.

One follow up to last week, I actually think SYTYCD is either listening to or at least thinking about people who watch their videos on YouTube because this is the second week in a row that ALL the videos are available (as of the time of this writing). This is after 5 weeks of only having access to about half the performances. I really applaud SYTYCD for that.

Sasha and all-star Pasha:
They got the former dance-of-death, the quick step. She does well, but it isn’t a great dance for showing off talents. Neither of them seem very comfortable out there at all.

Caitlynn and all-star Ivan:
So Ivan is great. He dances really crisp and just nails it. Unfortunately, Caitlynn dances like a contemporary dancer with her movements more flowing than popping for hiphop. Creepy Uncle Nigel makes an early appearance while asking Caitlynn to open her legs more. Lady Gaga really takes it to the next level by saying, “You WOULD want her to open her legs.” Geez, this is a family show!

Jordan and all-star Ade:
Welp, here is your shitty Tyce routine for the night. The pirate guy thinks Tyce is exquisite, so I’m going to officially ignore everything else he says for the rest of the night.

Melanie and all-star Neil:
First of all, I remember when Neil was a little stick-figure whippersnapper doing the table dance with Sabra. Now he is bordering on being a beer-bellied frat guy. Careful Neil – that Budweiser will settle right above your belt. Melanie is amazing. I especially liked the 10 foot flying leap. They showed Ellen (aka Dave Foley) and boy does she look awful. Being the world’s premiere lesbian really takes a toll on you. What has Lindsay Fünke gotten herself into? She should have stuck with Tobias.

Ricky and all-star Anya:
Poor Ricky had the unfortunately job of following Melanie. He doesn’t help himself by pulling a Jess and looking constipated trying to do the lifts.

Jess and all-star Lauren Gottlieb:
What a waste of some good Nappy Tabs. Jess is just not a hiphopper. I always get annoyed with Lauren with her stupid bangs and her giant gums. The judges have a Jess love fest which I just don’t understand. I feel like this is an alternate universe or something.

Tadd and all-star Lauren Froderman:
Tadd still sucks on the choreography. He probably needs to go soon (after Jess of course).

Marko and all-star Allison:
Marko has all the judges in tears, especially Gaga. Once again, he makes you question who the amateur is and who the all-star is. Not only that, but his mom is in the crowd from Guam and it is her first time seeing him dance on the show. It creates a really touching scene. Alright, enough of these emotions. What am I? A girl?

Caitlynn and Tadd:
A boring foxtrot. Enough said.

Marko and Ricky:
Nappy Tabs have the guys hiphopping as garbage men. I’m a big fan of this one. My wife pointed out that Ricky sucked but I didn’t even notice as Marko was kicking some major ass.

Jordan and Jess:
First of all, Jess is just so skeevy with all his touching and hugging and fondling of the females during the critiques (including snuggling with Cat). I also can’t stand Jordan’s amorphous body. She has no boobs, no hips, no nothing. Finally, no chemistry between them whatsoever. Huge problem when you are doing a super sensual rumba. Massive failure on all accounts.

Sasha and Melanie:
These are easily the two best girls left in the competition. Just watch the dance. It is great. Also, Gaga throws her 18″ tall platform shoe on stage and Sasha proceeds to simulate male masturbation with it. Like I said, a family show, folks!

From the crystal ball, the wife is saying that the bottom twos are going to be Jordan & Caitlynn and Ricky & Jess. Out of those, the judges love Jordan and Jess, which makes me want to barf.

You did you pick for going home? Was Lady Gaga everything you hoped she would be? Tell what you think, because I truly, deeply care. Just kidding, I’m a guy. Let me know anyway.