**Sorry this is so late, guys.  But look at it this way; TWO FnG posts in one week!  Part five will be posted on Friday per the usual schedule.

There’s some pretty good stuff in these two episodes, including awesome guest stars and the descent of Nick Andopolous into the creepiest boy at McKinley High, but we’ll get to that. 

The first episode, ‘Carded and Discarded’, features the introduction of a few awesome new faces to the FnG world.  First up is Kayla Ewell, otherwise known as Vickie from ‘The Vampire Diaries’, as Maureen, a new transfer student from Florida, and new object of desire for the geeks.  It hit me that it is CRAZY that she played a high school student in 1999(!) and is still playing one in 2011.  Hollywood is so kooky.  Also, bitch never had an awkward phase, because she was just as adorable back then as she is now.  And her hair has ALWAYS looked that good.  I, on the other hand, went through a grunge-y, goth-y period in grade ten and at one point sported long hair with just the back of my head shaved from the ears down.  And I wore my hair in a ponytail to show it off (it was a thing at the time, okay?).  So congratulations, Kayla Ewell, on twelve picture-perfect years.  I’m really happy for you. 

The geeks happen to be the first kids to talk to Maureen, and they become buds pretty quickly.  The guys cannot believe their luck.  A hot, fun girl is hanging out with them on purpose?  And she likes them?  And everyone at school is seeing it?  A classic Michael Scott win-win-win.  Until, of course, Vicki the cheerleader starts talking to her and they know that it’s only a matter of time before Maureen realizes she has the makings of an A-lister and leaves them to play with their rockets solo.  Obviously the only solution is to guard her like a prisoner and control who she interacts with – give her the ol’ Katie Holmes treatment, if you will.   

When Maureen gets invited to Vicky’s party on Saturday, they decide that they have to dazzle her on Friday to ensure that they stay on her radar in the face of all of her exposure to the cool kids the next night.  And what better way to dazzle a teenage girl than with bottomless ribs?  She actually has fun with the guys, and come Monday when the cool kids ask her to sit with them, she decides to hang with the geeks, since they were her first true friends at her new school.  Kidding!  This show was actually realistic, so she told the guys she’d just sit at a different table one time (sure, sure) before moving on to her fancy life of boyfriends and football games and parties.  The geeks are left to fondle their rockets alone and bask in the memories.  

Cool Ethan is cool.

Meanwhile, the freaks decide that they need to get fake IDs to go see a local band called Feedback at a 21-and-over show.  Playing their ‘ID guy” is another new face to the show; the unique beauty that is Jason Schwartzman!  I LOVE him, and I especially love him when he’s playing a weirdo and/or dickhead (Cool Ethan, anyone??), both of which qualities are on display here.  Making things even better is his look – open collar to highlight the chest fur, tight pants, and a gold chain. He works in what appears to be THE hotspot for disco gear at the local mall; a veritable sea of collars, pants and chains.  Remember this store, because we will be revisiting it again in the future. 

Not a nice, petty pet pet professor.

A THIRD new face is Kevin Corrigan as Millie’s bad seed cousin, who Lindsay, Daniel and Nick visit toget fake IDs.  You know him from many things, most recently as Professor Professorson from the night school/blanket fort city episode of ‘Community’.  Like most of Corrigan’s roles, the guy is a weirdo – he has a rooster in his front yard, but warns Nick not to touch it because it’s not a ‘nice, petty pet pet rooster’, as opposed to the ones that are?  The lesson here is whatever you do, do NOT touch this guy’s cock.   

I don’t have any fake ID stories of my own to share, because for some reason, despite all of the shit I got into in high school, I drew the line there because I was too scared.  Arbitrary, I know.  But also, the drinking age where I live is 19, so the wait doesn’t seem as unbearable here.  We just made due with piss mix stolen from our parents (when you take a bit of each type of alcohol from the bar so it’s not noticeable and thrown it all in one bottle – usually mixed with Kool-aid or pop to mask the disgusting taste), or older people with bad judgment who would buy it for us.

The high of being in their first bar is short-lived though.  When Feedback takes the stage, smiles fade as everyone realizes that Mr. Rosso is the lead singer.  He’s no dummy – he spots them and instead of freaking out, promply pwns their asses in front of the entire bar.  He announces that they’re in high school and cheerfully tells the waitress to bring them her finest cola.  Not cool. 

Since her pity kiss after Nick bombed his audition, Lindsay has found herself kind of stumbling into a burgeoning relationship with him, as though it’s something that happened to her instead of actively participated in.  Sometimes things happen exactly like that.  You mix two parts teenage delusion (Nick) with one part ambivalence and one part curiosity (both Lindsay), and you get an awkward quasi-relationship.  That’s where things stand at the start of the next episode, ‘Girlfriends and Boyfriends’.   

Lindsay’s mom tries to remember who Nick is: ‘was he the one who ate all of my Fruit Roll-Ups?’.  Her dad just lays down the law: ‘your mother and I are not taking care of some wedlock-baby while you’re off gallivanting at college!’.  But that is all preferable to Lindsay being forced to listen to her father explain the stupidity of boys by recalling the time he lost his virginity to a $5 Korean whore when he was in the army.  Can you say vomit?  I would die.     

Nick invites Lindsay over since his parents are out of town, and she spends a few days in a total panic thinking he wants to consummate their coupledom.  She shows up at his house, scared about his expectations and playing things by ear, and then this happens:

And trust me people, if you haven’t seen the series already, Nick only gets creepier from there.  But in a nice, adorable, and often humiliating way.  Just wait – there is another song in Lindsay’s future, and it is spectacular.  

Bill gets a peek behind Cindy Sanders’ curtains (ew, not like THAT!) when they get paired up as lab partners, and she is annoyingly perfect.  She doesn’t watch tv (except ‘The Muppet Show’ because that was law back then), and her ‘bad habit’ is snacking on apples and carrots after school.  But she does have what would have been my dream room as a kid: it’s all unicorns and white wicker furniture and butterfly canopy beds.  I was the girliest girl that ever girled when I was a kid and I would have chosen homeschooling just to spend more time in that bedroom.  But then, the walls of perfection come crashing down when she stands up to get lemonade and cuts one.  She blames the chair, but Bill does some investigation work and determines that the chair is not capable of making a sound.  

Sam gets stuck being lab partners with Gordon Crisp (think younger male version of Martha Dumptruck), and discovers that he’s not just any slovenly fat kid, he’s a Fairy Godfatty!  It’s sort of the obese version of the trope that Spike Lee called the ‘Magical Negro’, often seen in syrupy inspirational movies (see Will Smith in that golf movie, or Morgan Freeman in every Morgan Freeman movie).  They come into someone’s life at an auspicious time in order to guide the hero through their journey.  In this case, he’s there to help Sam snag Cindy the Perfect for himself.    

Sam heeds Gordon’s advice and Cindy ends up asking him to go to for burgers after school.  He’s flying high with excitement, until she gets all flustered when the big jock on campus strolls in and she confesses her giant crush on him to Sam.  He’s instantly heartbroken and deflated, and you just want to reach through the screen and hug him.  Sad, tiny John Daley is too much for me to take – it’s like watching someone take a toy away from a puppy.  Sam quickly realizes his role in Cindy’s life – trusted confidante and provider of the male perspective.  Hey, it’s something. 

So, hit the comments with your thoughts on the episodes, fake ID stories, and ESPECIALLY any stories of humiliation in the name of love.