There is a conspiracy brewing in my group of SYTYCD-watching friends: that Cat Deeley might be pregnant. While I’m a Hollywood conspiracy theorist in many areas like thinking everyone wears wigs or weaves (no matter what she tells you, that is NOT Oprah’s real hair) and gets nose jobs, my pregdar is the only thing more busted than my gaydar. So I want to start by asking you, the loyal readers, do you think that Cat has been Spanxed within an inch of her life, or is she just really ramping it up from her normal size zero-ness?

Regardless, she seems to be resting her hand on her baby spot a lot lately.

Since the super-talented Andy is on vacation this week, here’s how this thing is going to go down while I’m running it:

1. I’m fairly uninterested in technical skill. My reaction to the show is mostly visceral.
2. I’m super uninterested in the details about styles of dance and the choreographers’ pasts. There are better recaps for that.
3. I’m mostly interested in dances that make me feel feelings (more than I normally do).
4. I am biased against women and in favor of hot guys. dealwithit.gif

Let’s go.

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Ricky and Ryan

I think the musical coordinator has searched everything the light touches (including the elephant graveyard) to find different versions of this song. This is the first season that I’ve ever not-hated a single member of the Top 20, but if I had to hate someone, Ryan would be it. She kind of has a face that looks like an internet meme, do you know what I mean?

Also, her shoes look like she should be stirring a cauldron rather than spinning in circles showing her double-sided boob tape. She also has a serious case of Kent face, wherein the expression doesn’t fit the dance…ever. And as far as Ricky is concerned, remember how your dad told you to never trust a twink in leather? Follow his advice.

Nigel says he feels sexual tension and I think I’ve felt more tension in line at the BMV. Mary says something, but I’m distracted by the fact that her tannist took her three shades darker. Debbie Reynolds’s face is stretched tighter than Liza’s leggings. Mess, mess, mess.

Caitlynn and Mitchell
You have to love Stacey Tookey because she’s Canadian. And because she has choreographed a routine about a relationship gone wrong, which feels like a real leap for the show. But mostly, you have to love her for using a black chair and a white chair for a black dancer and a white dancer without making the whole thing feel completely ebony and ivory.

I wondered who would be the first to be brave enough to use Adele, and quite frankly this number had me rolling in the deep. The choreography was top notch, the execution was flawless, and Mitchell’s tuchus in those dress pants had me turning tables of my own.

The best number of the night.

Missy and Wadi
The video package opens with Wadi Nairing his chest, which rings a little weird in my bathing suit area. Clearly the producers could hear me screaming at my TV 5,000 miles away because ballroom is almost non-existent this season, and when it shows up, it has a pop soundtrack.

I want to love both of them, but the whole thing is just heaping spoonfuls of meh. Debbie says she wants to take Wadi home, which is kind of awkward, but probably going to save the show some taxi money when he gets voted off tonight.

Iveta and Nick
There’s something about this Nikul guy–his whole tone is off. I normally find his dances pretty loathsome, but this was actually a pretty fun number to watch. I kind of feel like I’m writing in the yearbook of that one girl you never really knew, but there isn’t much to say. Call me sometime! Never change.

Miranda and Robert
The cognitive dissonance of a scrawny black man in a Hulkamania outfit is like a Stanford Prison Experiment inside my brain. The performance is pretty standard NappyTabs, which is like hanging out in a strip club that has been painstakingly baby-proofed.

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Clarice and Jess
For those of us with royal wedding fatigue, this dance feels pretty mediocre. And to those of us who are still pretty jazzed up about the royal wedding, this dance feels pretty mediocre. Cathedrals is one of my all-time favorite songs, and I want to be able to love Clarice and Jess so hard, but the whole thing felt unevenly weighted and out of balance, like a teeter-totter with the fulcrum way too far at one end.

Also Debbie now makes a pass at a third young male dancer, but then we realize she wants to take them home to…be her children? Where does she store her backup pantsuits with all those flowers in the attic?

Jordan and Tadd
I always think that Tadd is squattier, more like Dominic. But he’s tall and thin and does a surprisingly good job with his extension. This is a pairing that looks more like a brother and sister, but it’s really delightful to watch. And me calling ballroom delightful means that either it was actually delightful, or my brain has been slowly eroded by all those times I walked in on my parents watching Dancing with the Stars

Melanie and Marko
That amazingly perfect stone dance from last week and the way that Marko’s thighs looked in it means that these two are automatically safe from any criticism from me for at least six weeks. That being said, Melanie’s whole outfit felt offensive to me, and the music was a complete and total buzzkill. Like Halle Berry in Catwoman or Madonna in every movie she’s ever made, they were simply too talented for the material they were given.

But also, Marko’s thighs. Did you guys see those things?

Sasha and Alexander
What happens when you take the dance form of the streets and force it to swallow a couple tablespoons of Dimetapp? NappyTabs! And this was a cute shot-for-shot remake of their Bleeding Love dance from a few seasons ago, only it lacked any of the emotion and polish of the original. We’re at the point in the night where Mary’s tears have streaked her Clinique self-tanner, and we realize that she only has caricature emotions because she has been through all of the things that could ever possibly happen to a person. With all the things she must have experienced in her life, we’re blessed that she didn’t take another career path.

Do not be fooled: Sasha will not be mocked. She’s one of the best dancers on this show, and once she’s freed from the shackles of Alexander and Nappy, she’s gonna skyrocket.

Ashley and Chris
I think more passionate, fiery things happen in a meth lab. Or at least there’s more chemistry going on. Spencer Liff reminds us that human beings can be irrationally beautiful and still do things that disappoint us. It’s majorly distracting how much the jail cell moves around. Clearly we’re not blowing the budget on hiring guest judges, so couldn’t we dip into Debbie Reynolds’s AquaNet fund to buy a sturdier set piece?

They both just feel a little vanilla, but I think that Chris (or James Franquizamo, as I call him) is a much better dancer than he showed.

Do you totally disagree? Who do you think is going home this week? Do you think they’ll just keep avoiding eliminations until they have to vote 19 people off at the finale? Leave your thoughts in the comments below or come argue with me on Twitter.