Whew, I don’t know guys. We are now out of the battle rounds and are into the two hour live shows. Who’s going to be the first judge to get bleeped? (My money’s on Blake.) Is Daly the next Seacrest? Who’s going to look the most cracked out; Cee Lo or Christina? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Pop a couple No-doze, get your 44oz red bull, and let’s get to it.
We begin with the best Queen medley of all time. Or at least in the top 50. There were fireworks at the end, y’all! Adam started out strong then some guy looking vaguely like Cee Lo (I could see his eyes…it was FREAKY!) came in. Blake was there, Adam had a guitar solo and Christina showed up in hot pants and ruined it for everyone. Am I going to be subjected to her thighs all night? No one wants that, no one. Now bring on the artists who we tuned in to see.
OK, so apparently they are pitting all the artists of one team against another team. Tonight it’s Team Christina VS Team Blake. Cee Lo continues to freak me out by not wearing sunglasses. Who told him to do that? I’m seriously disturbed. I like the mystery. He was so cute. Sorry, it’s just so damn distracting. Anyway, while I’m impressed NBC is trying to embrace digital social media and what not I don’t want them to shove it down my throat. Hopefully this V room stuff won’t get old, but knowing NBC it will go that way in record time.
RAQUEL: She had problems with staying on pitch in the battle round. She started out a bit rocky but she got better as the song went on. She was definitely having a good time with it. I love that they get back up dancers. It’s like a mini concert. Not sure it really emphasizes their “voice” concept but who cares if it’s fun, right? The judges all loved it. Christina’s Thigh Count is up to 3.
JARED: Rough start, though I remember him having those before. How many times did he have to practice the guitar throw? That chick better be his wife or we might have a Weiner situation on our hands (political reference, boom!) The head scarf has to go though. Yikes. It really doesn’t seem fair that Raquel had to learn crazy dance moves and Jared only had to get a guitar to fly through the air.
BEVERLY: If I was going to guess a song for her “Come to My Window” would be first on my list. You could tell she wanted to go for those high notes. The song is a bit lacking without them. She did a fantastic job though. The really was perfectly suited to her and her voice. Bold style choice with the kilt. I didn’t think Christina would be the first with an inappropriate comment but that destroying his pants line was weird and awkward. Of course Adam couldn’t just let it die. More please!
DIA: Blake shows why they have mentors and why they are so important. He suggests having Dia play piano to get over her stage fright. It was absolutely the best move. She sounded great and really performed even behind a piano. Sometimes it’s hard to connect to a performer who’s playing and singing. Not so here. Adam puts my feelings into words by pointing out how refreshing and unique her performance was. He even called it his favorite moment on the show so far. That’s pretty big praise. Cee Lo is going to direct message Kanye to tell him how awesome Dia did on “Heartless.” Christina is jealous that Cee Lo is besties with Kanye. Hee!
Now we get a group performance from TEAM CHRISTINA and Christina herself. Lady Marmalade, of course, Christina was the only one that could be dressed sexy and had so much tits and ass hanging out I didn’t know where to avert my eyes from at any given moment. Raquel seemed a bit out of her element and Beverly surprisingly rocked it out.
Oh, can I just take a commercial break to say how excited I am for Whitney Cummings’ new show? I really love when she’s on Chelsea Lately.
Xenia, Princess Warrior: Well, she couldn’t remember her words. I’m thinking Blake picked the wrong person here. You only have four slots and I feel like she just not a contender. She’s not made for a huge crowd and big stage. She needs to stick to coffee shops. She looks super cute, though, even in referee stripes. Christina Thigh count: 4.
Lily: Loving the outfit. So very shiny. It really suits her. I really liked her performance until she started having hiccups or whatever was going on with her voice. She finished super strong though. Adam and Blake didn’t like the eye candy in the background. Blake even called them mimes. I agree they were weird performance-wise, but a little muscle never hurts.
Blake’s family dinner was cute. Xenia has zero personality. Nothing against the girl but she puts me to sleep when she talks. The opening notes of “This Love” start and both Adam and I start to chuckle. It’s certainly unexpected. It made me realize that for being the country guy he only really ended up with one country singer. The song as a whole was kind of a trainwreck until Blake took control. The guys are really strong and the girls are really weak, at least in a big group number. I was really surprised how well Blake rocked the Maroon 5 song. Then Blake throws out “That’s what she said” and I again realize why I love the guy. Perfectly timed and perfectly employed. I tip my tiny imaginary cowboy hat to you, sir.
Patrick: The lights come up and all I can see is the biggest cowboy hat I’ve ever seen. I barely even notice he’s singing my grandma’s favorite country song. Just as I begin to enjoy the performance he tries for the key change and dogs start howling. Eek! It was painful and you could see it on his face. Luckily he was saved by Christina wanting him to take his pants off. I’m not sure why as I’ve heard she’s more into the ladies, but maybe she just enjoys a good pants off. She wouldn’t leave it alone. I’m starting to think these guys will never give a negative opinion. Someone needs to point out those wonky notes! Guess it’s just going to be me.
Frenchie: It feels like years since we saw her battle round. I kinda forgot she was on the show. Her earrings are too long. They were that long in the rehearsal too. Just because she has a shaved head doesn’t mean her earrings need to swim between her heaving chest. Just an observation. I will give her the reward for the best use of backup dancers. Unlike Raquel she owned the stage and backup dancers. She definitely had the best performance of the night by far. I think she will be hard to beat. Oh, Carson … you’re trying really hard, bless your terrible cue card reading soul.
Winner tonight: TEAM CHRISTINA, they were just better all around.
Apparently two will go home from each team. One will be saved by the votes and one will be saved by the mentor.
My Ranks:
Team Christina: Frenchie, Beverly, Lily, Raquel
Team Blake: Dia, Jared, Patrick, Xenia
Overall: Frenchie, Dia, Beverly, Lily, Jared, Patrick, Raquel, Xenia
The show is going to get compared to Idol so I thought I’d point out the things I liked about their live shows. Short and sweet judges’ comments, the choreographer and six days to vote. Anything you really love about the format this week? Do you think my ranking is right or would you move someone up? COMMENT and let me know!
PS Sorry this is late! I thought they would have the episode online the next day but they decided to throw me a curve ball. Boo, NBC!
Tags: By Stunkette, The Voice