American Idol. The Finale.

So, I’m going to begin this post with a little explanation.  I am crazy busy this week.  I’m working 8 to 8 and I live in Kansas.  For those that live under a rock, we’ve been having come crazy weather come through.  Usually it means standing on the porch watching the tornadoes form, but ever since one took out 80% of the town next to us three years ago we’ve become a bit less storm chaser and a little more cower-in-the-basement-clutching-the-dog kinda people.  Also, torrential rains wreak havoc on a satellite dish therefore I didn’t even get to watch The Voice.  Luckily they have it online, but it might be the weekend before I actually get to watch.  Don’t worry though, the recap is coming.

Now, on to American Idol!  This will be a combination post mainly because of the diatribe above, but also the performance night was severely lacking in things to make fun of.

I’m not sure how we got to this point. This Idol final would be better off on CMT.  Who would have thought the two country singers would be in the finale?  I’m sure The Powers That Be are thrilled two young, cute, commercial kids made it to the end.  They also seemed to have finally figured out the judges are useless.  We didn’t have get to see them until the show was half over.

I loved every one of Lauren’s performances.  Scotty’s first one was good, but Lauren killed them all.  I didn’t know anything about the vocal issue that everyone on twitter and elsewhere were talking about.  Apparently there was talk that Hailey might have to step in.  I would have been pissed if I turned on the TV and Hailey was there instead of Lauren.  The docs pumped Lauren full of drugs and she was able to rally.  She sounded great and she sang a song about her mama.  How can she not win?  Plus Scotty’s song is “I Love You This Big.”  Really, Jimmy?  This was the best song available?  Ugh!

Now on to the Grand Finale!  This will be a notes/spewing of the mind format.  Deal with it.

We open with the Top 13 singing “Born This Way.”  Eh.

James and Judas Priest-thus begins the long line of guest stars none of the voting/watching teen/tween masses have ever heard of.  It was alright.  The Judas Priest guy didn’t seem to remember when it was his turn to sing.

Randy’s “thing”- “So and so is IN IT TO WIN IT.”  Even Ryan agrees it’s time to get new material.

Jacob and some gospel dude I’ve never heard of start singing a song I don’t know, and then Gladys Knight strolls out.  Again, too old for the kids to know, but she kicked ass.  I actually enjoyed the song quite a bit.

Casey & surprise guest Jack Black kill it on “Fat Bottom Girls.”  Jack Black is one of those guys you either love or hate.  In small doses I think he’s great.  Tenacious D is super fun and I think Casey would fit right in.  They need a bass player right?

Single Ladies by the … ladies!  Except Lauren (resting her busted vocal cord perhaps?)  This looks to be a Beyonce medley.  You won’t see me complaining.  I wanna get up and dance.  Everyone looks good except Hailey and her one legged garter….what the hell was up with that?  Oh, and the Spanish singing girl’s curtain opening to her crotch.  The medley sounds great and the harmonies are killer until they give Hailey a solo.  Oh, the growling!  The girl who use to have a cool fro but now has boring hair, I believe her name is Ashton, uses her solo time to make me regret her leaving so soon.  The girl can sing.  Pia, of course, is in the tightest outfit possible.  She was OK but I thought Ashton sounded better.  Then Miss B, herself comes out to my favorite Beyonce song ever, “CRAZY IN LOVE.”  Damn that girl can dance.  She’s the shit.  Did you see her at the Billboard awards?  The whole screen thing was weird but her dancing was sick.

Steven’s “thing” -The Loose Cannon.  “Fuck a duck and see what happens.”  Still one of my favorite sayings to ever be uttered on Idol.

Hailey and Tony Bennett??  AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!  What the hell is Tony Bennett doing on Idol?  He’s worse than Gladys Knight in the octogenarian department.  Hailey actually sounded good. We heard her unique tone and she didn’t growl.

Jennifer’s “thing” was people telling her she was beautiful and that they had a crush on her.  Um … what were they going to say?  I like your movies, ha!  I like your music, double ha!  I loved you as a fly girl?  Well that one I could see.  She can dance her ass off.

Ryan announces TLC & Lil Jon and I make a face.  Damn are we back in my high school days?  1999 called and wants its music back.  Don’t get me wrong, I was singing along, but the kids watching this have no idea who these people are.  Plus, I miss Lisa “left eye” Lopez.

Tim McGraw!  I can’t help it, I love his music and listened to his greatest hits album on repeat for an entire summer.  Tim totally outsung Scotty.  What is wrong with him?  Get your head in the game, son.

We get the ever present finale crazies montage.  Eh, there really weren’t that many this year.

Oh, God!  We now have to be subjected to Marc “my wife is a judge or I wouldn’t be up here” Anthony.  J Lo was missing from the judges table so of course she shows up shaking her ass.  There was way too much going on.  The camera kept flipping from J Lo’s ass to Marc to the chick playing the drums.  Personally I would have left off the badly singing man, but that’s just me.

After this I stop taking notes.  Somewhere along the way the guys sing a medley that is HORRIBLE.  I mean really, really bad.  Then they are joined by Tom Jones, who was the bee’s knees in his day, but it well past his prime at this point.  He was struggling for the high notes and the guys weren’t helping him out much bungling the harmonies.

Lauren sings her duet with Carrie “I will forever be the most successful Idol, ever” Underwearwood.  Lauren looks in awe the whole time and Carrie struts around like the country diva she is in formal hot pants.  Lauren did much better than Scotty with Tim.

Steven does a great job on “Dream On.”  At least he’s good for a song even if he’s a wet noodle as a judge.

There may have been other stuff….oh, wait Gaga sang on a mountain and Beyonce sang about getting sexed up!  As Gaga sang I said to myself that Beyonce was going to be pissed she only sang with the contestants, but I should have known she’d demand to be after Gaga.

So the show ends with confetti falling on Scotty.  I was disappointed at first, but then I remembered he’s going to have to sing that awful song for the rest of the summer.  You can tell he hates it as much as I do, because he chose to hug his family, fellow contestants, the judges and anything else to avoid singing.  My only hope is that Lauren follows in the foot steps of Adam Lambert and has a bigger career than the person who beat her.

Seacrest OUT!  See you in 2012!

Tell me what I missed, your favorite performances, and your reaction to the winner in the COMMENTS!!

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  • seels

    my fave part was Jack Black’s reaction to not getting hugged by Scotty. Haha. I also thought it was cool to see Sheila E on drums. She can still bring it. Great coverage of AI here… I loved the snark :)

  • Strunkette

    Thanks, Seels! I appreciate your readership ;)

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