American Idol. Top 8.

PIA WENT HOME!  Everyone was shocked.  Even the millions of people who didn’t vote for her.  J. Lo was sobbing, y’all.  I was shocked but not all that surprised.  Maybe this has taught the judges that they need to stop praising the shitty singers.  They gave Pia some constructive criticism, the only negative comments of the night, and she went home.  Someone, and I’m talking to you Randy, needs to starting being honest.  He was trying for awhile but I think he got sick of being booed.  Now he’s back to his old ways.  They need to actually judge.  We’ll see if they’ve taken it to heart tonight.

OMG!  J. Lo’s vagina has exploded.  It finally got sick of Marc Anthony rooting around in there and decided to throw up.  Once she sits down and the vagina puke is not long staring me in the face, I notice the little girl barrette that probably cost more than my house. This is your People’s Most Beautiful Woman.  Riiiiiigghhtt.  Obviously they don’t take style into consideration.  Steven’s wearing a scarf Amelia Earhart style.  Eh, kinda predictable at this point.  Randy’s wearing his Mr. Rogers sweater and a tie.  Whatever.

Paul-Oh, boy, epileptic dancing in the pre-performance package!  This should be good for a laugh.  Somebody made him a new black roses suit.  It has too many green leaves for me and the neck scarf is tacky as hell.  Hoping for bonus point from Steven?  Since when do hot girls play the sax past 8th grade?  She’s gotta be the only one in the country.  It was a typical Paul performance and will probably be easily forgettable.

Lauren-Unsurprisingly she picks a Miley song.  Country and under 20 almost guarantees it.  Jimmy’s right that Miley sucks.  Oh, wait were those not his exact words?  My bad.  Oh Feather! in her hair/ears/somewhere in there.  Is this going to be a trend tonight or did the costume people challenge each other to put a Steven Tyler accessory on every contestant?  Her performance was just OK.  She had some wonky notes, but the judges can’t call her out on that or it might leave Haley as the last girl standing.  That would be a travesty of epic proportions.

Stefano-Boys II Men?  Blasphemy, Stefano.  You’re not good enough.  Well, you were mostly fine and hit 95% of the notes, but just no.  Right notes or not I can still only understand every 10th word out of his mouth.  Mumble, mumble, mumble, go, mumble, mumble, mumble, road.  Seriously.  Oh, and open your eyes.  Stefano must have been wearing Steven’s underwear because I didn’t see any outward signs.

Scotty-I would have rather heard “Everybody’s Talkin’” (I went to YouTube after his performance just to hear the whole song.  Totally awesome.  Bad move, dude.)  Jimmy looked a little pissed about the song change.  I wouldn’t piss of Mr. Iovine if I were you, Scotty McCreary.  Wow, that first part with the back up singers was terrible.  Definitely the worst he’s ever sounded.  He still has not learned to hold the mic properly.  Funnily, both Melinda Doolittle on Hitfix, and Kath, from GMMR, pointed out he’s holding it like a flute.  That’s totally what it looks like!

Casey-Oh, man that first song sounded awesome.  I thought Jimmy was pissed off before, but he looked like he was ready to cut a bitch this time.  He is not happy people keep changing their song after they sing for him.  Standing ovation?  I’m not sure I’d go that far, judges.  It was a’ight.  The end was cool but the beginning was weird.  Oh, and I’m a little sad that Cornelius Fudge is slowing turning into a pudgy Ryan Seacrest.  Next week the stubble will be gone and he’s going to have two gallons of gel in his hair.  They’re crushing his soul!  I’m guessing he’s fighting the soul crushing by singing what he wants.  For that I say, “Bravo!”

Haley-I actually think this was the best she’s sounded.  Still, her best sucks and is full of growling.  I wonder if her left arm gets tired from all the swinging and Saturday Night Fever point-and-sweep.  Finally Randy takes my advice and criticizes her.  Thank you for being truthful.  Steven loved her awful outfit and I’m pretty sure he’s going to steal the thigh high purple boots.  J. Lo is scared to say anything bad because she can’t watch another girl get the boot.  Why not try to call out some of the boys for their shit then?  She’s too busy flirting with them.

Jacob-Is this the X factor?  For those that don’t know, on Simon’s new show the judges are more like mentors that pick the songs for the contestants and otherwise steer them in the right direction.  I think Jimmy is drifting into Simon’s territory.  It’s the natural progression in the process and the reason Pop Idol went away when X Factor started.  Anyway, back to Jacob.  Those last notes were kinda killer.  He’s the ballad monster and that would have won against Ruben Studdard, but I think it’s not what America is looking for in their next American Idol 2011.  It was good, but it’s predictable and expected at this point.  Change or see your dream die, Jacob.  Was it just me or did he look like he was about to blow chunks during the judge’s comments?

James-Ha, someone else virtually telling Jimmy to suck it.  I’m surprised James can make it through doorways his head is so big.  Have those steps always been there or did they put them in front of the judges table especially for James?  Every good metal song requires standing with your crotch in someone’s face,  don’t you know.  Oh, and James, metal has been done.  Last year.  Does the name Adam Lambert ring a bell?  Quit acting like you were the first one to think of it.  It was good…whatever.  I’m just really sick of him and his ways.  You know what I’m talking about.

Best: I hate to say it, but James, Casey

Worst: Scotty, Paul, Haley

Bottom Three: Paul, Jacob, Haley

What do you think?  What piece of Steven’s wardrobe would you implement if you were forced to raid his closet?  Why do you think J. Lo’s vagina barfed?  Who made the worst song change?  You be the judge … in the comments!

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  • Randi

    I actually really loved Scotty. I love George Strait, though, so that could be why I really loved it. I don’t think his notes were bad at all.

    I also loved Casey.

  • Strunkette

    I can see how George Strait can do that to a girl. :)

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