So last week I was enjoying Thirsty Thursday and wasn’t home to watch the horribleness that is the Idol results show.  I literally went to the last five minutes to see who got the boot.  To no one’s surprise Naima and Thia Megia went home.  I’ll miss using Thia Megia’s full name and Naima’s crazy ass outfits.  I won’t miss their singing.

Guys, I’m really bummed.  When the judges were announced I was still in fast forward and for a second there I thought J. Lo was in a white jumpsuit.  Unfortunately for me and fortunately for her she just had on a white dress with saucy cut-outs and gold pieces glued on, not as cool J. Lo.  I don’t know what the hell Steven was wearing.  That suit/jacket combo was whacktastic, though he did stay away from the animal prints.  “What kind of a freak would wear this shit?”  Indeed, Steven, indeed.  At first I thought Randy was wearing a boring black jacket but no.  It was iridescent pleather.  Ryan parted his hair the old way or went back to spiky.  Someone must have decided he scared the children last week and put him back to normal.

Jacob-Sounded AWESOME on Let’s Get It On, but then decided it was uncomfortable to sing about SEX on TV.  That’s right people, I said SSSSEEEEXXXXX.  It’s kinda like when I used to replace “It” for “Sex” in the 90′s song, “Let’s Talk About Sex.”  I was in middle school and thought it was really embarrassing to sing about SEX in the car with my mom.  I wasn’t a grown ass man.  Suck it up, Jacob.  Aside over.  Hasn’t “Man in the Mirror” been used before on the show?  I’m sure it has but I know they didn’t have the most preserved 80′s songwriter singing backup.  That chick was fierce.  She has bigger guns than Madonna.

Haley-Way to ruin one of my favorite songs to sing at karaoke.  After hearing what she was going to sing in the intro I knew it would be growl filled.  Thanks for not letting me down, Haley.  Now if you would stop singing I’d be really happy.  I guess the judges are really into growling because they LOVED it.

Casey-I’m with Jimmy.  “Every Little Thing” would lead him down that lounge singer spiral of doom.  He needs to avoid that like the plague.  Anyway, the upright bass is freaking awesome.  I challenge anyone to try and tell me differently.  Smartly he went back to what America and the judges loved from the pre-rounds.  He was great and I want more, more, more!

Lauren-Of all the girls, I thought the Gwen Stefani L.A.M.B clothes would look the best/fit her personality the most.  From the waist up she looked fantastic.  From the mid-thigh down was even nice, but damn that diaper was horrible.  That poor girl didn’t deserve those shorts.  Her performance/singing was great, but I was definitely distracted by the wardrobe.

James-Uh, the “Rocker” is going to do a slow song during the ROCK n Roll Hall of Fame night?  Heavens to Betsy!  Never in the history of Idol has someone gone against the grain in such a way!  He’s still guaranteed to scream at some point, and of course he did.  This will be shock to some of you, but I actually really liked the first half.  If I closed my eyes and just listened.  He wasn’t doing anything douchey until he did the three finger point n sweep at the camera.  It’s so freaking choreographed.  I don’t see any connection at all.  Maybe I’m just cynical, but I didn’t see the emotion the judges were talking about.  I saw douchitude.

Scotty-STOP HOLDING YOUR MIC LIKE THAT!  Oh, sorry was I just yelling?  I apologize.  He just brings it out of me.  The Smirk was set to 10 and he was cheesing it up hardcore.  He gives me the heebie jeebies.  What the HELL, Randy?  I feel like the judges must see the voting numbers and know he’s getting a lot of votes.  Why else let him get away with this shit.  Simon would have called him out for the smarminess of it all.

Pia-I think she stole the key to J. Lo’s closet.  That jumpsuit is something J. Lo would wear to the supermarket.  Oh, right this is actually out of Gwen’s closet.  Pia, Pia, Pia.  Don’t you know that your voters are the ones who watch and love Glee?  Mercedes and Santana sang “River Deep, Mountain High” so much better.  You don’t want to be compared to Amber Riley or Naya Rivera.  She actually did a really good job, but when you have the Glee version on repeat it’s hard not to hear her flaws.

Stefano-The high notes were not good. At. All.  Not a good way to start out the song.  The rest was pretty OK, but I really feel like he won’t be around for long.  He’s trying really hard to stay in it, but he’s just really bland and boring.  He’s not an engaging performer.

Paul-Whoa, “Folsom Prison Blues?”  I feel like that’s one of those songs you don’t mess with.  I think some are going to love it (me of course) and some are going to hate it (FPB purists.)  I thought the part where he stopped playing and clapped was fantastic and the end was great.  The judges agreed with me, but we know that they can’t be trusted, so I won’t use them to defend my position.

Top: Casey, Lauren, Pia

Bottom: HALEY (go home!), Stefano, Jacob

So did I miss anything fast forwarding to the end of the results show?  Any crazy outfits I missed?  Who’s Rock n Roll Hall of Fame outfit would you like to wear around town?  How scary was Steven Tyler’s floating head?  Answer all my burning questions in the COMMENTS!