So on the result show, America shocked America, and the judges, by leaving Casey on the very bottom.  Apparently the judges knew that Casey was going to have an OCTV approved curse fest and complete breakdown, so they stopped him singing two seconds into his swan song to save him.  That left plenty of time  for Casey to fall over himself, Seacrest, and the judges.  He wasn’t the only one shocked.  What happens when America gets rid of James and Scotty next week?  (Hey, a bitter girl can dream!)  Of course Idol couldn’t start this week’s episode without the most dramatic, stop motion flashbacks possible. 

Oh, damn!  I almost forgot about The Hulk!  Paul was the normal amount of shocked/happy.  James on the other hand looked like he was about to have the big O.  Either the dude was playing it up for the cameras or he watches way too much Hogan Knows Best and WWE Wet and Raw, or whatever it’s called.  I bet he slept with that shirt underneath his pillow.

On to this week…

Apparently someone took away the Coke sponsored crazy juice.  All the judges were looking pretty fab.  Randy looked like, well, Randy, J. Lo looked hot and left the munchkin makeup artist at home, and Steven pulled out his white pants before Memorial Day which totally worked.  He couldn’t go without some flair, though, so he doubled up on the hair feathers.  Ryan even dressed up for the night.  He got a hair cut and wore a double breasted suit.  I’m pretty sure it’s the closest he gets to breasts of any kind.

Scotty-Well at least were getting the smirking out of the way early.  Of course he finds the only country song Elton ever recorded.  I’m guessing Elton lost a bet with Willie Nelson or something.  I’ve never heard the song but I’m guessing it was better when Elton sang it.  Luckily someone decided to bring out the steel guitar which led to a bunch of long camera shots and we only had to endure half of the smirks we’d normally get.  Oh, and shout-outs to your grandma are super douchey and desperate.  At least they are coming from Smirky McSmirkison.

Naima- So, how do you top African dance, bell bottoms, and drums?  Why, horrible reggae, of course!  And don’t forget a leisure suit with what I’m guessing is the Jamaican flag glued everywhere.  I’m too lazy to look it up.  I think she’s decided that this kind of pandering is the only thing that will keep her in the competition.  I almost hope she stays so we can see what she pulls out next.  Flamenco dancing and a song from Evita?

Paul-So happy he pulled out the roses suit.  That thing is sweet and perfect for Elton night.  I feel like he just knows what’s up.  My husband said he wasn’t sure if he liked his voice or not and I feel like that’s what a truly unique/interesting voice should be.  My favorite part of the performance was his last line.  I know that singing quietly like that won’t win Idol, but damn, if I don’t love it.

Pia-Ballad and sexy ass dress?  Must be Pia!  If I were her I’d probably keep doing them until someone made me stop.  It’s working for her.  I was a bit concerned during her little walk out.  Those eight inch heels were wobbling all over the place.  It looks to me like Idol is going to have to keep a choir on retainer for the rest of the season.  Pia’s going to need it.

Stephano-Um….So I totally forgot he sang so…yeah.  Not much to say.  He at least did less mushing of words this week.  He’s trying hard, but we’ve already got two great balladeers in Pia and Jacob.  He doesn’t have a place in the competition.

Lauren-Finally she lives up to that girl we met in round one.  She killed it on a song that has been done a lot.  I’ve been worried for her in the past, but I think she’s found her feet again.  We’ll chalk it all up to nerves singing in front of the world and move on.  Oh, hated the dress though.  Mullet dresses are never a good idea.  There is reason people with mullets get tons of shit.  It’s never business in the front, party in the back.  It’s always bad.

James-Not much of a performance when you have to look at your feet practically the whole time so you don’t fall down.  To no one’s surprise, this is how his song went; stand by the guitarist and rock out moment, jump on the piano, set piano on fire and pose at the end.  Oh, and don’t forget to fall to your knees.  GAG ME!!  Am I the only one that is not impressed?  I feel like he’s watched every rock video/concert he could get his hands on and then completed his paint-by-numbers performance.  I could be wrong, jaded or just an old biddy, but I was not feelin’ it at all.

Thia Magia-Eh, I don’t have much to say about her.  She looked good, sounded OK, and was otherwise non-snark inducing.  If anything the girl needs to liven things up before everyone forgets about her.  I’m thinking she’s one of the ones to go.

Casey AKA Cornelius Fudge AKA The Saved One AKA Less Beard-He made a really smart choice slowing it down.  Plus all the stars were really, really pretty.  I want a room that I can go into and lay on the floor and see those stars.  The stick on kind don’t really have to same twinkle, but I digress.  I really liked this performance.  He had to bring out the growl a little but held it in check most of the time.  Casey really had to do something to prove that the judges/producers weren’t wrong in keeping him.  While some will argue that they were smoking crack using the save so early, I think he at least showed he should go home long after a few others still around.

Jacob-As a girl who can fit her entire fist in her mouth, I’m impressed with his enormous mouth.  He could fit both of my fists in that cavern.  Anyway, he seems to be crying or overly emoting in every song.  Dude, don’t worry, be happy!  Find a fun song.  You’re no Pia.  Just kidding, you’re pretty much the male version of Pia.

This is the point where I said.  Oh, God it’s still not over!?!?!?  Damn you Save and another 11 to sit through.

Haley- When your old performance style isn’t doing it, go with the old adage, sex sells.  Lay on the piano, get off of it really ungracefully-I was waiting for her to flash the audience as she scooted along and swing your arm around.  A lot.  Now the song was actually pretty good but the growling was still there.  Best performance of the night, Randy?  Really?  I think someone told you to say that because they gave her the money spot.  It wasn’t better than Lauren or even Casey.  Sorry man.  Here’s my thing with her.  I really liked her in the beginning.  She was one I put at the top with Lauren before we heard Pia late in the game.  I might be able to come around if she stays.  For some reason this year I’m digging in my heels when it comes to my reactions to contestants (see McDonald, Paul/Durbin, James/McCreery, Scotty).

My favorites: Lauren, Casey, Paul, begrudgingly Haley

Bottom three: Thia, Naima, Stefano

Going home: Thia definitely.  Guesses on #2?

So did I get it right?  Are you ready to tar and feather me for ragging on your beloved American Idol?  Comments are my hair feathers!