So, all of the couples were fighting or trying to avoid a fight last night, which I guess isn’t much of a departure from normal, at least for Jay, Gloria, Mitchell and Cam.  Claire and Phil only seem to fight 3/4 of the time (when they aren’t having sex in front of their kids).  Jay bought Gloria a karaoke machine and lived to regret it because her voice is like nails on a chalkboard in a room filled with 1,000 alarm clocks set to ‘buzzer’ beside a howler monkey exhibit at the zoo.  As in, it’s bad.  And loud.  Claire and Phil destroyed their kitchen in a huge fight about …something.  Phil has no idea and spends the rest of the episode trying to figure it out.  And Mitchell forgot to send out the invitations to Cam’s big charity event, taking place that night.    

I’m choosing to believe that Sofia Vergara really can’t sing for shit, because a person is not allowed to be that hot, that funny, that successful AND a good singer.  It’s like John Mayer.  He’s (often) hot, generally funny, and objectively a talented, successful musician, but he’s saddled with a racist penis, poor guy.  There is always a flaw. 

Cleavage and sex massages after the jump:

Haley continued to manage to outwit her parents which, let’s face it; isn’t that hard.  First it was the cell phone carved out of soap (still genius), and now she’s got them convinced she’s working as a waitress while really she’s spending her time at the mall and using the same $60 every day as the “tips” she earned at work.  Alex hates her guts.

Mitchell forgot to send out invites to Cameron’s charity event and scrambled to rustle up some harp players and what appeared to be teenagers he found shopping at Abercrombie or Billabong.  I loved the phone call when Cam was checking on who of their friends didn’t receive invitations:  Longeness, Pepper, Lamichael, Stefan, Steven and Bob were all out of luck.  It was also great that Luke was there helping him out, talking on earpieces even when they were six inches apart. 

So, what was it that was driving a wedge between Claire and Phil?  Was it the fact that he bought broccoli instead of cauliflower, or insulted her driving, or made plans to grab coffee with an ex-girlfriend?  No, the wedge was a literal wedge…salad.  I had two issues with Claire and Phil’s storyline:  first, why do they have a dog door when they don’t have a dog?  Second, yes, Claire is small, but there is no goddam way she would have been able to crawl through that thing unless she’s secretly a ten year old Thai contortionist.  If you’re going to construct a dog door for the sole purpose of having one of the characters crawl through it, at least make it believable, you know?

So Gloria spent the day giving Phil a haircut, advice on the fight with Claire, and a faceful of cleavage, much to Phil’s utter delight/discomfort.  Meanwhile Jay and Claire headed to the mall where Claire got one of those mall massages and turned it into a piece of erotic performance art.  Sweet jesus that was over the top.  Confession – I don’t know if it’s Claire or Julie Bowen, but she kind of annoys me.  If you haven’t picked up on all of my subtle cokehead references lately in the MF posts, she just totally gives off that vibe, you know?  She makes me feel jittery and paranoid. 

And now to the best quotes of the night:

• I never thought I’d enjoy having an arch enemy but I do Mitchell, I do.
• It is amazing what you notice and what you don’t notice.
• She’s even worse than you said. (Luke, referring to Cam’s male arch nemesis)
• I think you got what you needed from that.
• Happy Valenbirthaversary!
• You insult the woman’s driving and you use the “air bunnies”.  You do that to me, I kill you!
• You know when you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.
• You want to hear the guest list for tonight?  It’s anger, betrayal, terror and sadness.  Congratulations Mitchell, you packed the house!
• “What were the specials?”  “Popular, which you wouldn’t understand.”

What did you guys think of “Regrets Only”?  Hit the comments!

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