Before we get into last night’s episode, won’t you please take a moment to enjoy our brand new PLL header pic?  You may notice that there are now five liars instead of four, and that one of the liars is not like the others (and no, I’m not talking about the fact that Spencer is 37).  Let’s face it: Pedobear is actually the silent fifth liar that nobody seems to want to acknowledge but is definitely a big part of the show.  So, as long as the spirit of Pedobear lives on in our show via the Aria/Ezra love that dares not speak it’s name, this shall be our chosen representation.  Plus, it’s hilarious and adorable.  It’s hilorable (not to be confused with the teacher/student macking, which is hilorrible).  Special shout out to regular OCTVer HockeyByChoice for the screencap, and a big sloppy Ezra tongue kiss to our fearless editor SB for the mad photoshop skillz (feel better soon, SB!).

Well now we know why Spencer looked like she was going to hurl when she saw the picture of Ali being chased by someone in the shadows in her yard, because that someone was none other than the queen of ridiculous hats herself.  I’m not really sure why she was so intent on pinning it on Ian when her big secret was that she had told Ali she was dead to her just before the picture was taken.  I mean, it was pretty understandable – Alison was going to force Spencer to tell Melissa about her little fling with Ian (no doubt so Ali could have Ian all to herself).  Teenage girls say shit like that to each other all of the time; it’s nothing to get worked up about.  But in the end, Spencer is still too boring for me to spend too much time talking about, so let’s move on to the juicier stuff…

Hanna and her mom learned that keeping large amounts of cash in a lasagna box in your kitchen is way too risky, but they’ve solved the problem.  Everyone can rest safe now because they’ve moved their savings into…the popsicle box in the freezer.  Um, how about we try a different room in the house altogether, ladies?  Let’s try to think outside of the cardboard box.  But they have bigger problems, because the woman who unknowingly provided them with the money, who only comes into the bank once a year, suddenly decided to make an appointment, so now Hanna’s mom has caught Spencer’s barf face. 

Emily is back on the swim team, and we’re introduced to a new character named Paige, her main competition for team captain.  It’s none other than Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You (RIP)!  Please oh please say this means Ethan Peck might stroll into Rosewood soon.  Aria would dump Ezra’s punk ass for him in a second, but, I digress.  Paige is definitely one of those type A, hyper ambitious, Rachel Berry/Tracy Flick types.  She tried to ingratiate herself with her teammates by handing out team bracelets…that look EXACTLY like the ones Alison got the liars.  Aw, geez.  Just when I was enjoying a storyline that was just some good old fashioned girl shit rather than a mystery wrapped in a riddle folded into an enigma.  

Paige doesn’t like that Emily has just recently rejoined the team and yet is getting all of the glory, so she confronts her, making vague homophobic threats out of nowhere that seem totally ridiculous considering the fact that Emily’s not exactly in the closet or worried about people finding out she’s gay.  I don’t want to hate Paige because I loved Kat so much, but I do (and I’m definitely not loving her hair).  Especially after she nearly drowned Emily as retaliation for telling the coach about her #nohomo ramblings.  Problem is, Emily said nothing because she handled her own shit and put Paige in her place.  Spencer couldn’t accept that, and way overstepped by telling the coach.  Emily had the problem under control, and now she’s got a psycho teammate trying to drown her during swim practice.  God, Spencer is such a mom.

Hat Guy continued to lurk around, trying to tempt Hanna to get her inner bad girl on.  He’s much less cute without the hat – I feel like they’re trying to make him “young Johnny Depp”, but I’m just not picking up what they’re putting down.  Who is he, and why is he suddenly interested in helping the liars rewire their cell phones and destroy kill switches?  I feel like he’s supposedly been a student there all along and now for seemingly no reason, he’s everywhere.  He hasn’t really focused on any liar in particular, like he wants to get his fingers in all of the pies (in every sense of the metaphor).  He apparently got himself out of detention to cut the “kill switch” on Aria’s mom’s car just because Hanna mentioned she didn’t want her to go to Philidelphia, which was strange on many levels.   

Speaking of Aria, she and Ezra decided to take a page from LUX’s pedo/student relationship by taking their date out of town.  First of all, if those kids in detention or whatever didn’t think something was up when Aria was unzipping her jacket and making thinly veiled overtures at Fitz, then I really am starting to worry about the American school system because that shit was captial O Obvious.  She got tickets to an art opening at a museum in Philadelphia so that they could hold hands and kiss and not get arrested.  Aria put on her best red leather minidress and went over to Ezra’s apartment where he was waiting in a limo to wisk her away.  You know that driver spent the whole ride debating whether he should just have the police meet them at the museum. 

There was a kiss that definitely involved tongue, and I swear I winced and said “ew!” when I saw it.  I know I’m biased because I hate the storyline, but it was pretty unhot for a French kiss between two really attractive people, right?  If we follow Joey’s logic from Friends, this would mean that in real life, those two are totally fucking.  Which is cool if they are, because in real life he’s NOT HER ENGLISH TEACHER.

Hanna once again was given orders to work hard for the money – this time she had to narc on Aria to Mrs. Montgomery, so that the relationship would be exposed.  Hanna slipped a ticket for the art show in Mrs. M’s mailbox and then, feeling guilty, tried to convince Aria not to go.  Aria took this as a sign of disapproval so she pulled a Lux and made the situation into a personal attack.   In the end, Mrs. M’s car wouldn’t start so she called Chad Lowe for help, who skipped out on a date to drive her to the museum.  But, they clearly decided to spend the night reminiscing (banging), and she never made it inside.    

Jason, Ali’s brother, was back in town.  EW recently had a post about how interchangeable and just similar all of the guys on this show are, and it’s kind of true.  There are a staggering number of classically handsome brunette guys that sort of blend together for me; the show definitely has a type.  Anyway, I don’t know what purpose he served other than to confirm that the picture was real, was taken from Ali’s bedroom, and that he MAY have taken it.  Oh, I guess he confirmed that Ian spent that whole summer getting high with him in his room, so now we know it could have been Ian taking the pics. 

MRS. GARETT ALERT!!!  So, Spencer decided to track down the bead shop that supplied the bracelets so they could find out who bought the one that the girls found in the woods.  I love on these shows that shops always seem to keep records of names corresponding with purchased goods – it’s super convenient.  So Mrs. Garrett looks up the records and it turns out that Spencer Hastings purchased the jewelry.  Dun dun dunnnnnnn.  Of course, later we see that Mrs. Garrett is in cahoots with Gloves, who put her up to saying what she did.  This is the second episode in a row to end with someone talking to Gloves just off camera.  Clearly, Gloves wears those damn things constantly, checking them at the dance, putting them on in the bead shop – how are we not noticing someone wandering around with a leather jacket and gloves on in every episode?

So, that about wraps it up – tell me what you thought of the episode.  If you’re going to ask me who Mrs. Garrett is, we can’t be friends because it will make me feel very old.  Anyone as excited as me to see Kat Stratford again?  Any new theories?  How about the fact that Jenna, Lucas, Shawn and Mona only seem to go to school when they need to interact with one of the liars?  That’s pretty weird, right?  Let’s discuss in the comments!