Welcome, LUX fans, or fans of ragging on LUX!  It’s Thanksgiving in Portland and what would a holiday be if Cate wasn’t keeping a massive secret from Ryan?  Or Lux wasn’t throwing her friends under the bus to protect her very adult and reasonable secrets that they couldn’t possibly understand because they are mere children and she is like, the Andy Rooney of teenagers?  Okay, we get those things every week, but this time they come with boxes of wine and twenty pounds of mashed potatoes, so, you know … festive!  So grab some wine-and-saliva-basted turkey and throw on a sweatshirt over your ginormous boobs and join me in a stream of consciousness breakdown of Lux’s First Thanksgiving™ (you’ll be reminded of this fact several times, so make sure to pay the day the respect it’s due god dammit).

Baze and Emma are going to spend T-giving together but before they can, Baze’s dad just wants to pop in and say goodbye before he heads out for a vacation.  Ah, Baze making Dad feel nostalgic about family Thanksgiving just before he’s about to head off to Aruba won’t at all result in him surprising his son and busting Baze and Emma on their relationship.  Nope, that definitely will not happen.

So Tasha did not actually kill for Lux, which is good.  Trey only spent one night in the hospital after Tasha knocked him out.  But she’s still talking to Lux as though Lux isn’t evil, which makes me wonder if someone hit Tasha in the head with a shovel off camera, because seriously Tash.  Lux is horrible.

I do love that they’ve made a very positive change in the show right before it’s about to go off the air.  I love Sam – he represents the audience in the show by asking “WHAT THE FUCK” and acting incredulous whenever appropriate (every thirty seconds) and he makes Lux sad, which makes me happy.

Ah, Cate.  I’ve missed your bitchface and  the fact that you go from zero to shriek in sixty seconds.  Psych!  No, I haven’t.  Die, Cate, die.  Guys, I’m starting to worry that Shiri Appleby will be forever marred by this role.  I know it’s a character, but jesus, that shrieking is all her.  So is that face.  Will I be able to separate them in my mind?  I honestly don’t know.  Sorry Shiri.  You’ve got great hair though – are we good now?

Baze to Cate: I don’t think I’ve seen you this volatile since high school.  Really Baze?  Because I think she’s been this volatile every time I’ve seen her for the last FOREVER.   But I’m guessing the fact that we’re actually acknowledging her attitude now has something to do with the mysterious paper bag with a pregnancy test-shaped box inside that the camera keeps cutting to, so let’s just go with it.  Oh, yep, pregnancy test.  If she’s preggo and she and Ryan decide to work out their horrible relationship because of this … ugh.

So Cate is busted by her mom and sister because she won’t join them in some breakfast wine.  I’m not above some breakfast Baileys on Christmas morning, or the odd brunch mimosa (in fact I encourage it), but something tells me these girls have breakfast wine about six or seven days a week.  These two should head over to Cougar Town once this show goes dark – they’d fit in perfectly.  Cate has mentioned that Ryan will DEFINITELY not be coming to dinner about fifteen times, so you know what that means … either we’ll see Ryan before the end of the show or I will give up alcohol for the entire month of December.  Since December is both Christmas AND my birthday, this should tell you how much faith I have in the ability of this show to subvert viewer expectations.

Haha Lux, just think of Mr. Daniels as your uncle.  Good one, Math!  That was so hilarious that I choose to imagine that Math suspects them and did that on purpose to creep them both out.

Baze and Emma are all snuggly in the kitchen, talking about how they would most definitely get fired if anyone found out about them dating.  Baze is all, “company policy can suck it, hahaha”.  Cue knock on door in 3 … 2 … wow!  Guys, I really am starting to think I’m psychic!  Either that, or this show is so incredibly predictable that even Helen Keller could see what’s coming next.  I’m going with psychic, so I can start my own hotline (that’s still a thing, right?).  But seriously, Baze’s dad came because he didn’t want to miss Lux’s First Thanksgiving™ (eyeroll).

Lux’s First Thanksgiving™  brought out lots of people that were not supposed to come.  Yep, I can get drunk tomorrow, because Ryan is also there!  Now of course this spells big trouble for Cate, because now she will be forced to lie to Ryan’s face, which she NEVER does.  Oh, wait; lying to Ryan’s face is like the first thing listed on her resume under “Special Skills”, so she should be totally fine.  Meanwhile, Cate is phone-stalking her marriage counselor because of course the poor woman should halt her holiday plans to deal with Queen Cate’s crisis of the week.  Luckily the woman has the good sense to screen her calls and ignore the crazy.

Baze is telling everyone at the party to keep his relationship with Emma on the DL, and so of course Cate’s sister goes on a totally inappropriate rant about the women Baze has slept with (including Emma) to Baze’s parents, who she’s met like, once.  Happens all the time.  I’m always going off to people I barely know about what sluts their children are.  But Geoffery with a “G” is not happy (yes, I’m aware that most of you probably don’t have the insanely detailed Who’s The Boss? knowledge that I do, but I just can’t think of him as anything else so that’s his name forever).  Geoffrey with a “G” is super pissed that Baze is doing well at work and is in a stable, happy relationship, so he threatens to fire him if he doesn’t end things with Emma.  Good call, dad.  Are the nominations open yet for Most Reasonable Parent of a Grown Adult?  Because you sir, are a lock.

So all through the evening, Abby and Cate’s mom have been throwing around really subtle (not subtle at all) hints that Cate is pregs and no one has noticed, which I can only attribute the group’s collective raging narcissism.  But seriously, nobody at the table picked up on Abby’s comment about Cate having buns in the oven?  A regular collection of geniuses is what this is – is this Thanksgiving dinner or a meeting of the Portland chapter of MENSA?  It takes Cate spitting out the wine she mistakenly sipped all over the turkey for everyone to clue in.  What’s Ryan’s reaction to the news?  A look of impending doom.  At last!  Someone has an appropriate reaction to something.

It’s a good thing that everyone here is so dense, or someone might have realized that Lux and Uncle/Teacher Eric keep disappearing for suspicious intense arguments.  I mean, does Math really think that they went downstairs to passionately whisper-yell about Lux’s inability to understand The Outsiders?  C’mon, do the math, Math.  At the very least, we got confirmation that Lux and Uncle/Teacher Eric have not yet done the deed, and also Sam definitely likes her (he must have been hit with a shovel too), so here’s betting that Mr. Daniels packs up his van and his candy and moves on soon.

So Ryan wants to move back in and be a dad and try to work things out with Cate because if there is one truth in this world it’s that a terrible relationship will ALWAYS be salvaged by a screaming, dripping, baby.  Nothing brings two people who hate each other closer together than the stress of new parenthood; just ask Katherine Heigel and Josh Duahmel about their recent documentary on the subject.  I haven’t seen it, but the trailer was riveting (no it wasn’t).  If they actually end the show with this as the premise, then this will officially be a VERY BAD SHOW, teaching VERY WRONG LESSONS.  I’m thinking in the next three episodes Cate’s gotta fall down the stairs or get punched in the stomach, right?  Or, in a poetic circle of life move, Cate and Ryan decide to give up the new baby for adoption, setting things up nicely for Life Unexpected 2: The Streets in about fifteen years.

The show ends with cops showing up to arrest Tasha for assault – looks like Trey turned her in after all.  How will Lux try to make this worse for her next week?  I can hardly wait to find out.

Finally, let me end with a fun fact:   I literally had to pause this episode to vomit mid-way through.  Sure, you could chalk it up to the fact that I took too much Tylenol 3 on an empty stomach, but I like to think that it was my body rejecting badly designed television characters.  You know what show WON’T make you hurl?  Terriers!  That’s right, this is a shameless plug to tell y’all that the season finale is tonight and it REALLY REALLY needs ratings and it’s wonderful and perfect and I love it.   So, tonight, FX, 10pm – you’ve got my No Vomit Guarantee, and you can take that to the bank my friends.