Alright, guys–normally I watch LUX all the way to the end and THEN commence the bitching, but I was so inspired last week by Nicole’s very thorough bitching that I’ve decided to watch and blog in segments, separated by commercial breaks.  I’m going to hit play now.

Goddamn, there’s so much bullshit before we even get to the theme song, which you all know my feelings about.  Let me not recap every detail of the action and just say this … I did giggle a little at “bus sex”, but I think not for the reasons the show wanted me to.  (It sounds like butt sex, in case you were curious.)  Also, how did Lux spend most of her life in hospitals if she’s spent most of her life in foster care?  Whatever, don’t ask her to do the math because she had a stroke.  Yes, precious petal Lux, before the opening credits, is diagnosed with a neurological disorder (and yet they let Cate out of there without an exam, WTF), and also … does anyone else kind of feel like Emma’s kid is a poor man’s RPattz?

Okay, if there is one thing I currently hate more than Life Unexpected, it is the goddamn marketing campaign for the Toyota Highlander.  I hate that smug bastard kid and I want to bitch slap his head off a la Vampire Diaries.  God, what a useful talent.

I’ve decided that Tasha can join the Baze and Ryan spin off.  Who would’ve guessed, right?  Except … her loaning out her apartment is super stupid, even though I get the twisted Tasha loyalty logic that leads her to do it.  But really, I don’t understand a couple of things about this.  First of all, yeah, Pedoteach has roommates, but … I’ve known a lot of first year teachers and they make fine money, enough to live on their own for sure and if he IS living with roommates, that means he’s spending way less money and should be able to spring for some fleabag motel instead of dragging yet another high school girl into the mix.  There is not a snowball’s chance in hell that this can end well.  And also?  Hasn’t anyone here ever heard of fucking in a car?  GOD.

Alright, so Lux the Super Responsible Kid (come on Baze, you’re smarter than this) being stuck with Sam as her date was pretty shitty of Baze, even though he needed her to do it so that he could do something for Lux.  And it gets the hot potato one step further away from me by wrecking her gross teacher date, but still, this reminds me of something.  Does anyone know what it is?  Alright, I’ll tell you.  Three words.  Long.  Duc.  Dong.  I swear to God I will forgive this show all its past transgressions if Sam hangs upside down and says, “Oh sexy giiiiiiirlfriend!”  I’ll forgive the episode its transgressions of he wakes up passed out in the yard with one of Lux’s many dysfunctional grandparents clapping over him and busts out with a “No more yanky my wanky!  The Donger need FOOD!”

Well … I don’t know, I guess in watching this show, I realize now that the shittiness builds and builds into a crescendo, because every time I think we’re at the height of it, there’s MORE.  It’s like … watching the impossible happen.  But seriously, this exchage.  Oh my god.

“Do you got any bud?”
“No, I don’t do drugs, man.”

Okay, first of all, not only are these people really demonstrating how adults write to try to sound like kids and come up with fail, it also tunes me into the fact that they were probably all huge dorks in high school.  I mean, did I smoke pot in high school?  No.  But I wouldn’t answer that question with some Just Say No bullshit, either.  And while we’re on the subject of weed … Lux is scandalized by weed?  Really?  Tough kid, tough foster kid, tough foster kid who dated other tough foster kids and runs around on the street with tough foster kids is scandalized by WEED?  I don’t even think my grandma would be scandalized by weed, so again, REALLY?  And also, why would you just pluck the J out of that kid’s hand to wave it around judgmentally?  Oh right, because it is the joint of plot device.  That’s why.

Meanwhile, back at the Baze is Charming Party, we are informed that the rich hostess likes not classy.  Well.  She sure as shit came to the right show, then.  And also, I love Baze and his adorableness, but that might’ve been the worst rendition of Ice Ice Baby ever.  And come on, Baze.  Anything less than the best is a felony.

And we head into the commercial break with Cate showing up unannounced, after dark, on some stranger’s doorstep demanding information.  Shocking turn of events.

Okay, when we return, Emma tells Baze that whoring yourself out is a great way to parent.  Generally, I’d be on Emma’s sarcastic side, and yet I’d really love to see Baze ACTUALLY whore himself out.  To parent or not, I don’t care.  So that can totally be a part of the new My Two Dads spin-off we’re planning.

Also, Tasha made a John Hughes reference!  In a vortex of suck, she is made of win.  I wish this show was named some cutesy acronym for Tasha instead.  Sigh.

The rest of the episode was Lux Lux Lux Lux … ya know, the usual.  Foster mom told Cate that it was like she could never do enough for Lux and that she was a lying liar who lies, which sounded entirely familiar to Cate, who proceeded to give her car keys to the delinquent (always thinking) and TOTALLY sell Tasha out on telling her about the foster family.  What a fucking bitch.  I mean, someone does you a favor, and that’s how you repay them?  Ugh.  She calls Lux out on her constant lying and more importantly, her constant bitching about no one wanting her, and says that Valerie loved her and wanted her and asked Lux for the truth.  Lux being Lux refuses to give a straight answer (eye roll), and the super responsible kid steals Cate’s car to go over to the foster house.

Here is the problem.  By the time they got there, and I do mean both in the episode and in the series, it’s just a lost cause.  Not only do I not really give a shit about Lux, I just really fucking hate her.  And I know, abuse is a serious thing.  No one is denying that or trivializing it, but I will tell you what is NOT a serious thing, and it is this show.  And by the time we finally got to this episode, I was like, man, Frank, we’ve all been wanting to grab that bitch by the hair and toss her.  Maybe it would’ve had more punch in the first season, but at this point, the one I felt the most sorry for was the dog chained up in the yard like that.  People, NEVER do that to a dog.  It’s gross.

I did get briefly sidetracked there.  Tasha, ever the badass, frees Lux by bashing Frank over the head with a shovel and maybe killing him but at minimum knocking him out and dude, all while wearing a homecoming court sash.  All snark aside, that was a pretty awesome moment.

Also, Sam is a total bitch for staying in the car.

So we come back from break and fucking of course, they have a wreck.  Lux calls the only responsible adult on this show, and maybe on the CW, Ryan, and everyone meets up at Cate’s in time for Baze and Emma to continue imploding, for Cate to realize and vocalize that Lux is a lying psychotic bitch, and for Lux to in fact confirm all of this, as she does pretty much every episode.  Man.  When is the last time I hated a TV character this much?  Maybe never.

And then … ugh.  Sam claims responsibility for stealing and wrecking the car.  Maybe he felt sorry for Lux since she’d been through a lot and he really had nothing to lose, but this is all basically a huge waste to me.  I mean, Sam is the delinquent with a heart of gold, I get it.  But honestly, does anyone, including Lux, think that if she poured out this sob story to Cate about being abused and the guy lying about it and him yanking her by the hair with two witnesses, etc. etc., so on and so forth, that Cate wouldn’t totally take her side and believe her and try to help?  Because for all of Cate’s character flaws, and there are … so many … she does at least attempt to be a good mom.  So basically, spoiler alert, Lux is a stupid asshole.

Alright, long story short–everything is fine with Baze and Emma, and everything will be fine with Cate and Ryan (except for the fact that they’re the worst couple ever and should totally not be together and it’ll never, ever work).  Blah blah etc.

What IS interesting is this–Sam is now enrolled at Westmonte and is totally onto Lux’s secret, thanks to her non-disguise disguising of Eric’s name in her phone.  I did get a laugh out of the way Sam said, “I think I’m gonna like it here,” and I applaud any effort to make Lux’s life hell expose inappropriate teacher/student relationships.

The most unbelievable thing about that scene, besides everything?  Eric pretending that Minnesota and Wisconsin are friends.  Y’all, take it from someone who knows–those bitches fucking hate each other.  And it’s ridiculous, because those two states are the exact fucking same.  But try to tell them that, and you will be bombarded with the stupidest lectures of your life, delivered with endless misplaced passion.

Alright.  I have spent way too damn much time on this show tonight and I can’t do this ever again.  I will stick to mini-recaps with the key bitching points and leave the better, more intense recaps to Nicole, who is much funnier than I am.  And speaking of, hot potato back to you, girlfriend.

Okay, you guys … if you think you can stomach commenting, go for it.