True Blood. Everybody knows you got a bottle of Malibu rum at your desk so just shut up!

Alright, let me say, now that we’ve seen the finale, I stand by my prediction that nothing topped Russell ripping out the newscaster’s spine and that everything following that was a little anticlimactic.  I mean, I did enjoy the episode, it’s just … I’m not so sure they use their time wisely.  It’s like rather than leaving us with a kickass fucking ohmygod cliffhanger, instead we get that with like three more episodes to go and then they spend the rest of the season setting up for the next season.  This happened last year too.

Also, I’m gonna go ahead and say it–I think shit got real hammy in this episode.  Just saying.  Doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it, doesn’t mean I hate True Blood (quite the opposite), and it doesn’t mean I’m not excited for next season.  I’m just SAYING.

Alright, let’s get started in the usual fashion, with the shit I care about least taking lead. Gotta build up pressure.  So of course, we begin with Tara.  Tara … well, she yelled and cried her way through yet another fucking episode.  Sam told her he’s a shapeshifter, but at least he was kind enough to do it while making her pancakes.  She goes out and gets all PTSD about all the fucked up shit she’s seen outside of Merlotte’s, and goes to tell her mom goodbye or something.  She walks in on Lettie Mae fucking the preacher but the whole thing is so truly pathetic that she can’t even bring herself to be mad about it, and then she ends up standing in front of a mirror with a knife.  At this point, me and everyone I’m watching with are BEGGING her to just DO IT already, but of course she doesn’t and just cuts her hair, which ends up looking pretty much exactly like this.  Also, why do people on TV shows always cut their hair with knives?  That would fucking HURT.  I mean, it’s not like she was stranded in the wilderness, this isn’t fucking Hatchet.  You were in the BATHROOM, in your HOUSE.  Go get a pair of scissors like a goddamn civilized human being.  And not the big silver monstrosities, either.  Some good old fashioned, orange-handled Fiskars.  Like real people use.  Is that so much to ask?

But okay, back to Sam.  He finds out Tommy stole his safe, tracks him down, and goes all bitch-where’s-my-money on his ass, including full-on gun pointing.  AND, he turned it sideways, which we all know is a kill shot.  Tommy heartbreakingly tells Sam that Sam changed his whole life, that Tommy left everything he knew, and then he turned out to be just like Joe Lee.  You think Sam’s gonna crack, that he’ll apologize and take it all back, but he doesn’t.  Tommy tells Sam he ain’t gonna shoot shit, and turns to walk away, and last we see of Sam, he pulls the trigger.  DAMN.

Not that I’m totally uninterested in this storyline, but just not much happened with Hoyt and Jessica.  She drank his blood, and he showed up to his own intervention, complete with lawn chairs and a high school guidance counselor, with fang marks on his neck.  The whole thing was pretty hilarious, especially Hoyt giving the what-for to the guidance counselor with the title remark.  Hoyt later finds a really cute (well, future cute) place for him and Jessica and tells her he wants to marry her, and she hugs him, and I get the impression that this show really thinks marriage proposals are the most exciting way to end a season because this is the second time in a row now.  And you know, MAYBE, if you’re like 14.  Me?  I’ll take some murder.  Thankfully, we might actually get some since this all ended with a creepy ass baby doll in the next room (Maxine’s?  Summer’s?  Some other creepy baby doll lover?) and Maxine shopping for guns.  Aw snap.

Alright, speaking of guns.  Jason goes to Hotshot to tip them off that the DEA is on their way, and they start to get rid of all their V and meth, when cousin fiance shows up and wants to keep all the V, because he, of course, is on it.  Calvin doesn’t like this idea so cousin fiance whips out a gun and shoots him in the head.  It was pretty shocking.  And then Crystal has to run off with cousin fiance to save the town, and she makes Jason promise to take care of all the dirty people who can’t take care of themselves, and he does and also promises he’ll find her.  And here’s the thing … it’s called a fucking CELL PHONE, people.  You don’t have to hire an Indian tracker, or go get a bloodhound to sniff her out.  She can call you.  She can call you from a cell phone.  From a pay phone.  From a hotel phone.  She can leave a note for someone else to call you and tell you she’s there.  PHONES.  I mean, this is not a hard concept.  Except, maybe it is for these stupid bitches, how do I know?

And one last thing before we get to the primary plot–Jesus is a witch.  And that’s really about all I have to say about that.  Lafayette and Jesus were in approximately one, maybe two scenes, just to put that out there.  Except, I did totally enjoy Lafayette’s line, “You’re a witch who’s a nurse who’s a dude.”  Hee!

Okay, now for the main event.  Sookie woke up from Bill feeding her like she’s a fucking baby (“I gotta feed SOOKEH!”) totally pissed at him for lying to her and letting Eric and Russell drink her blood.  She finds out that Eric is outside frying with Russell.  Possibly to spite Bill and possibly because Eric is so damn sexy, she goes out, busts him lose from Russell, and drags his crusty ass back in.  But while he was out there, visions of Godric were appearing to Eric and trying to convince him to forgive Russell and saying that everyone finds peace on the other side, including Russell.  Eric absolutely cannot have this and won’t let Russell die outside.  He insists that Russell be brought in, which EVERYONE thinks is a terrible idea, and if Sookie won’t help him, he’ll do it himself.  While he and Bill are having a dick fang-measuring contest, Sookie gets fed up and drags a really disgusting-looking Russell in by a silver chain around his neck and ties him up to the stripper pole.

Before he, Pam, and Bill go to sleep for the day, Eric calls in a favor from Alcide, promising this will be it and he’ll clear all of his father’s debts.  Alcide shows up at Fangtasia looking really fucking hot and being really fucking sweet and in general, he’s like the polar opposite of Eric except that they are both HOTT.  Two T’s.  It’s major.

Oh.  But before that.  Russell is begging and pleading with Sookie, trying to make deals and whatnot for her to let him go.  She’s not having it, and he starts getting nasty, so she goes over to Talbot’s remains and asks Russell what he’s doing with them and manages to ascertain that he’s hoping to bring Talbot back to life with Sookie’s blood.  Needless to say, she’s not down with that.  Sooooo … she dumps his remains straight down the garbage disposal.  And I mean, this SOUNDS badass, and kind of was, but then Sookie also laughed like a fucking maniac, like a CRAZY person, like someone get this bitch a straightjacket.  And it might’ve been a little much for me, and it seemed sort of out of character–I’ve never gotten the impression that Sookie enjoyed cruelty in any way, and I’m not so sure they played that right.

But yeah, so skip ahead to where we see Eric and Bill’s grand plan for Russell.  They put him in some big pit lined with silver and he’s all chained up with silver and then they poured concrete over him so he would be alive but immobile.  And … okay.  First of all, did anyone else have a total flashback to Dr. Evil asking for one million dollars when Bill said Russell would probably be in there for at least a hundred years.  I mean … WHAT?  That is NOTHING in vampire time.  And they’ve come up with silver-laced pepper spray, couldn’t they find some way to mix in some silver with the concrete?  I mean, I expect this shit from Bill, but Eric?  Come on, dude, you’re better than this.  Especially when you’re wearing your velour track suit.  It gives you power.

Anyway, Bill takes this opportunity to turn on Eric, silver him up, and turn the concrete on him.  We then find that he’s been holding out on us and does an INCREDIBLE Eric impersonation and calls Eric’s personal assassin to kill Pam.  I about stroked out at this point.  YOU DO NOT MESS WITH PAM!  There are two people sacred to me on this show.  Besides Eric–he doesn’t count since they’ll never kill him, he’s too central.  But those two people are Pam and Lafayette.  They die and I lose my shit.

Thankfully, we don’t even have to wait to find out how this turns out (do you see what I mean here?  No suspense) because a very gray looking Eric shows up at Sookie’s doorstep while she’s fighting with Bill about how he had to bury Eric because he had “tasted you”.  And okay, that expression?  Fucking GROSS.  Can’t you say “tasted your blood” or something?  ”Tasted you” just sounds so porntastic and I can’t deal.  Anyway, ding-dong (hee!), it’s Eric and he’s got news–turns out the queen had sent Bill to procure Sookie (nice callback to Bill’s former job being a procurer), and that Bill had let Sookeh get beaten half to death all the way back in episode one so that he could feed her his blood.  OUCH.  She rescinds Bill’s invitation and tells him she never wants to see him again, don’t call, don’t stop by, NOTHING.  (Book spoiler alert–I have no idea if this will come to pass on the show or not, but I got excited at this turn of events because in the books, this is what breaks Bill and Sookeh up for good, and frankly … I’m ready for that.)

Also, Bill Compton’s Single Perfect Man Tear ain’t got SHIT on Dean Winchester.  You heard it here.

And that was pretty much that.  What did you guys think?  Am I the only one who thought it was a tiny bit anticlimactic?  What are you excited about for next year?  For me, I’m excited at the prospect of two sexy beast choices for love scenes–Eric or Alcide.  I’m not gonna lie–me and my friend Karen had a pretty entertaining discussion of supernatural cock during this episode.  So here’s to more of that next year.  How about you guys?  Which storylines are you already itching for a resolution on?  Theories for the future?  Favorite moments?  Take it all to the comments!