Let’s discuss how much time I am NOT going to spend on this recap because there are so many things in life I’d rather do, such as sleep.  Still, I like to be consistent in my bitching and my OCD doesn’t allow me to skip a week; however, my Gen X slacker attitude DOES allow for half-assing.  Thanks, my generation!

Okay, so does anyone else think that an hour and a half is a pretty long fucking time for a Quickfire?  Remember when this shit was 20 minutes and everyone was running around in a state of panic and disarray like they just watched their own mother get murdered and they would revert from humans back to animals and start like gnawing open a can of beans with their teeth or something?  Those were the DAYS.

Anyway, they had to make Ethiopian-inspired food, which I know absolutely nothing about.  The editors made a big show of various people calling Alex incompetent and then him not being able to get the lid on his pressure cooker.  And continuing in the homoerotic Quickfire tradition, Kevin told us that he just wants to be on top, no more bottom.  Tiffany ended up winning it, and that was just the beginning of everything coming up Tiffany.

Also, at some point during the picking of the countries, Billy turned to me and said, “I would bet my bottom dollar that Alex has a computer full of kiddie porn at home.”  Hee!

Anyway, Tiffany got first pick of countries and she went for Mexico, and I immediately yelled, “SHE IS NO RICK BAYLESS!”  I swear to God, I take every opportunity to talk about/promote/daydream about that sandwich … THE SANDWICH!  It was the sandwich of my life.  Aaaaand … now I’m thinking about it again.  Sigh.

Hilariously, the rest of my notes say NOTHING about the food at all.  Well … that might be a lie, but not much.  I started out by commenting to myself that Steven always seems vaguely stoned.  I then had a blip of thinking about food when Alex was talking about cheeks when I thought he got shanks.  I spent a good chunk of time ruminating on Padma’s necklace, which really accentuated her huge tits but in a good way.  God, I LOVED that necklace, and I think it strapped around the back, so you KNOW it’s serious.  I mean, on the one hand, it’s a badass fucking necklace, and on the other hand, it’s kind of a sparkly gold bib, which is perfect for a cooking show.  I need one of those.

A commercial came on telling me that Just Desserts starts on 9/15 and I thought about how I’ll probably enjoy the hell out of that, and then my thoughts were interrupted by a whole segment about a toilet, which is appropriate because that’s where this season has gone.

And finally, thank unnamed deity, we got to the end.  Hippie Colorado Vera Farmiga, Kevin, and Tiffany were in the top three.  I’m pretty impressed with Kevin, given that he’d never cooked Indian food and Padma always judges Indian food extra bitchily (not to say that’s a bad thing–I love her for it), but Tiffany still won and now her wedding is paid for thanks to $10K from Dial NutriSkin.  And really, I think they missed an opportunity for comedy there–there are so many more hilarious products to sponsor a wedding, and I can’t wait to hear your suggestions in the comments.

Alex, Steven, and Ed were in the bottom three, and I was surprised to not see Amanda given all the “where’s the beef?” comments on her dish.  Steven, as always, looked like he was going to cry at Judges’ Table, and this time they actually sent him home so we don’t have to go through that awkwardness anymore.  Still, I liked Steven pretty well (relatively speaking, of course), and I thought he seemed very nice and sincere in his exit talking head.

The total best part of Judges’ Table though was the guest judge saying to Alex, “Wow, was like a little nightmare?”  Billy loved the delivery, and how it kind of ended up a question.  He said it again later while we were watching Work of Art, and I think it might become a catchphrase in our house.  I’m really looking forward to saying that all the time.

Next week is Restaurant Wars, and MAN, does that look like a shit show.  I’m gonna hate it–all the yelling stresses me out, which is also why I can’t watch Divorce Court.  So there’s that to look forward to.

What did you guys think of this episode?  Any thoughts on necklaces, wedding sponsorships or … I don’t know, actual food?  Let’s DISH in the comments!  (Yup, totally did.)