YOU GUYS.  I’ve been DYING for Jersey Shore to come back.  I love this fuckin’ trainwreck so much.  I will say that I was a little concerned about how money and fame would’ve affected the cast and more importantly the show, but let me be the first to say … not fuckin’ much.  They’re all richer and, if possible, even more guido-y, but the most noticeable difference is that Snooki and JWoww have much better dye jobs now.  Also, Sammy and JWoww look skinnier, and maybe Snooki too.  Do you think they hired personal trainers or something?  I think I would, if I knew I had to a.) be on TV for another season and b.) live in Miami.  Everyone there is hot, it’s like famous for it.  Seriously–Kardashians, Hulkamaniac and family … the evidence speaks for itself.

Oh, and Snooki has a gorilla juicehead boyfriend, that she is TOTALLY planning on cheating on.

This episode took its sweet ass time moving the roommates in, which kind of makes me wonder how much material they have for the season.  I mean, The Real World gets that shit over with in like one fifteen minute segment.  This dragged on FOREVER.  The biggest plot points on this?  Angelina (or, as JWoww call her, “Pancake Ass”) is back (sigh … WHY?), and the now broken up Ronnie and Sammi would be seeing each other again and living in the same house, so it was supposed to be a big dramatic build up to their “reunion”, but it was pretty anticlimactic, really.

Also, they keep showing how Sammi’s still in love with Ronnie and whatnot, but I really would’ve thought she’d have been the one to break up with him and HE’D be the heartbroken one.  We still really don’t know what happened, and it’s clearly a matter of time before they’re hooking up together, and OF COURSE Ronnie once again promised his buddies at home he wouldn’t fall in love at the shore.  Oh, Ronnie.  You just can’t help yourself.  I did love Ronnie saying he was gonna “get creepy” though.  Is that seriously an expression?

I’m getting a little ahead of myself, though, because we haven’t discussed seeing Vinny at his house.  Now, I know Vinny isn’t one of the flashier people on this show, but I like him and I think he’s really funny, in a pretty subtle way.  Anyway, when he first came on, I jotted myself a note that it looks like Vinny might be the first one of them not spending cash hand over fist, and right as I finish typing that, he goes outside to his gaudy ass yellow car.  I HATE yellow cars!  They look like toys!  But then I was pretty sure it was a Chevy, and I giggled.  Billy seemed pretty sure it was a Chevy Cobalt, which isn’t exactly a Ferrari.  Oh, Vinny.  I love ya so much.

Oh god, except that I think Vinny’s main goal for the summer is to come home with a buffet of STDs.  Vinny, noooooo!

Alright, so let me just tell you where I knew this show was going to be AWESOME this season.  Where Pauly D and The Situation stopped and bought an entire shopping cart full of fireworks and got stuck in the mud trying to light them off.  That’s when I realized, OH MY GOD, these are poor people with money, AND THAT IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER.  Seriously, this is my dream come true.  I LOVE rich rednecks, rich stoners (lookin’ at you, Seth Rogen!), and apparently rich guidos.  This season is gonna be goddamn glorious.

I loved Snooki and JWoww stopping at the place with the guy who obviously fucked his sister for a living (man, really want to bust that one out again, as I think the profession’s headquarters or union or something is somewhere in Tampa), and I can’t believe Snooki has never had fried pickles before.  OH MY GOD.  They totally do change your life, she’s so right.  And she didn’t even have the good kind–she had fried spears.  What you really want is fried pickle CHIPS.  Cut crosswise.  I die for a good fried pickle, and thank god there is a place in Tampa that has a bang up version.  I’m drooling now, no joke.

Also, I think it’s weird, everyone calling Snooki “Nicole”.  I’m not down with it.

Everything that happens beyond this point seems to stem from Ronnie and Sammi’s drama.  Angelina is more or less just there to give everyone someone to hate, and she butts in on a conversation where JWoww goes insane and basically wants to beat her ass.  JWoww also says later that she’s going to rub Vaseline on her face to fight Angelina and … WHAT?  What. The. Fuck.  I have no idea, and maybe I haven’t been in that many fights, but … WHAT?  God, I forgot how much JWoww loves to fight and I love her for that.  She will kick an ass before this is all over.  And meanwhile, the editors were hilarious with cutting in a clip of the boys’ taxi being totally quiet.

Ronnie and Sammi were already fighting by night one, and Ronnie tells Sammi he’ll make her feel how he feels real quick.  I have no idea what that means.  I need these two to have one of their famous melodramatic relationship conversations so I can catch up on the background drama.

OH!  And Ronnie called Sammi a fucking cunt!  WHAT!  Vinny knows that’s the worst thing to call a girl.  Luckily, I got called one earlier in the evening.  Yeah, I’m that good.  (Kidding, I got called it in a joking way.)  All of this seems like a recipe for Ronnie going out and punching someone, which is always INSANE, but really all he does is fist pump like a champion and make out with a bunch of fame whores.  And that, of course, means that Pauly D loves Single Ronnie!  (All the single Ronnies, all the single Ronnies, throw ya hands up!  Sorry, it’s been in my head.  Thank Billy for that one.)

AND THEN!  Angelina calls Sammi a cunt!  Geez.  These people love themselves a C-bomb!

Back at the apartment, Sammi says that things don’t always end like a fairy tale, and the editors get in one last win and crack my shit up by cutting in footage of Ronnie having himself a little three-way makeout.  And then Sammi goes to bed wearing her sunglasses on her head, and once again … you’re doing it wrong.  And with that, we’re off on a drama-filled start to the season.  Yay!

Now at some point in the off-season, Billy read some article somewhere about how ALLEGEDLY one of the cast members is now a cokehead, and how the cast would come up with excuses to sneak this person out to score some.  So during this whole episode, Billy wanted to play Who’s The Cokehead?  He said his money would’ve been on Pauly D initially, because he’s a DJ and would have easy access, but after watching, he thought maybe Ronnie or JWoww.  I said I thought one of the guys, and Ronnie seemed like a decent guess.  Billy agreed with me because he said cocaine is a “happy drug” and Ronnie seemed pretty happy, whereas JWoww is still pretty hostile and violent.  Hee!  Just how I love her.  So there’s that insight into our viewing experience.

Alright, that’s it.  What did you guys think of the season premiere?  As good as last season?  Was it what you expected?  Any favorite moments, lines, observations?  Thoughts on the return of Angelina, the Sammi and Ronnie drama, the two-way mirror cameras?  Guesses as to Who’s The Cokehead?  Let’s get creepy in the comments!