Hey there, y’all bitches!  It’s SB, and I am back this week, covering for Erin, who has been drugged up on painkillers from some tooth thing … I’m fuzzy on the details.  Maybe I’m the one that’s been drugged.  (I am not … I haven’t been to a frat party in at least eleven years.)  Don’t worry, though–I am still slave driving her on Arrow, so you’ll get your Erin Talking Crap fix.

Speaking of Arrow, are you guys watching it?  It’s amazing, probably one of my favorite shows this season.  And they are all for shirtless montages.  AND Hart of Dixie has basically just eliminated any and all wardrobe considerations for Wade this season.  This is a network that knows what the old bitches are tuning in for, and for that, we give thanks.  (Hey.  It IS November.)

And that brings us back to recapping.  I enjoyed Erin’s style of just kind of going along with the episode, so I am going to attempt my own sort of SB version of that and see how it goes!  I’m a little rusty, but enthusiastic.  Let’s do this.

First of all, I am liking the new beginning.  The old one was getting pretty tired and irrelevant, and they should’ve done a new one awhile back, I’m thinking.  As long as they don’t start totally spoiling what’s about to happen in the episode with their “previouslies” (I’m looking at you, Supernatural), I’m good with it.

No Caroline this week.  THIS IS HORSESHIT.  You motherfucking fuckers, how fucking dare you?!?!

Oh, but what’s this?  A thousand year old circle jerk of shirtless dudes?  Well, okay.  I guess I’ll keep watching.  But I’m not acknowledging the witch in the middle.  I assume she’s related to Bonnie, so fuck her.  Also, as we were watching this scene, Billy did a DIY voiceover: “By the power of Greyskull!”  Hahahaha, totally.

Does Damon really need to share his phone calls with Stefan when Stefan has … um, how you say … SUPER VAMPIRE HEARING?  Come on, show.  You’re better than this.

Elena can’t eat animals or vampire Capri Suns.  She is only into draining the main vein.  Or something.  And wait … did she say they’re going to WOODMORE College?  I thought Elena became a vampire, not a cock-crazed slutbag.  But I haven’t necessarily been paying the best attention, so … ?  (I don’t know, you guys–Slutty Elena jokes are almost as fun for me as HoYay! jokes.  Almost.)

“What is this guy, Witchipedia?” made me laugh out loud.

Okay, now you guys … I have to stop here because as much as Witchipedia (and puns in general, really) made me laugh, Stefan making a Fifty Shades of Grey reference to Klaus (“red room of pain”) made me laugh my fucking ASS off.  Seriously, I laughed so hard I missed stuff and had to rewind.  Now, I am aware that this entire paragraph is outing me as someone who did in fact read that book (and yes, it was terrible, and no, it didn’t turn me on, and yes, I was disappointed that the weirdest thing they did was butt stuff and even then, BARELY), but I am willing to humiliate myself to laugh with all of you about the hilarious image of Stefan reading it.  HAHAHAHA!  All up there in his dark attic room by candlelight in his four post bed … hysterical.  I almost just asked where do we think he got it, but let’s get real … it was totally Grandad, wasn’t it?  Anyway.

There were a bunch of mythology moments in this scene with the hunter (who, by the way, is an EXCELLENT Big Bad, in my opinion), but you guys watched this, right?  So I’m not going to rehash it all for you.  Blah blah tattoos and shit.  Cures … etc.  Let’s just gloss over all that and instead focus on the two grown men with artfully disheveled hair, talking in dim light in a room with a chandelier.

Elijah, bro!  His hair is looking … no.  His facial hair is looking good, though.  Did his mouth look weird here though?  Like … I don’t know, almost like he was dipping, like, a tiiiiiiiny amount of chewing tobacco or something?  I mean, it was the twelfth century, and everyone was into crazy shit, so I’m not judging, but … right?  Or did I just forget his face?

I love Matt being bitchy to Rebekah.  And I kind of like Rebekah and what’s her face being friends.  I find Rebekah interesting, with all of her insecurities and hotheadedness.  Also, let me get this straight … Stefan is trying to get secrets from Rebekah, and in exchange he will … let her sit at the cool table?

Elena’s first potential victim, the one who weirdly has a little sister that’s like four years old, totally looks like she’s at least 30.  Or is this one of those situations where she got pregnant and it was like, way shameful, so now her mom is raising the baby as her own and they’re masquerading as “sisters”, but the little “sister” doesn’t know?  God.  This character is already more interesting in like five seconds of my imagination than Bonnie in four years.  FOUR YEARS.

Although I will say for Bonnie that she hasn’t been on my nerves too much this season.  Bitching about her is just my hobby.  And she IS still boring.  But at least she hasn’t been all bitchface, all the time … GODDAMMIT, BONNIE.  I couldn’t even finish that sentence before she LITERALLY made another bitchface.  Sigh.

YAY!  YAYAYAY yaaaaaaaaaay!  We got to see my favorite Show Within A Show–Dinner With Klaus! Although the first installment was better, and I do miss Elijah.  Favorite line of this go round?  ”Let me just name the million other people I’d rather be having dinner with right now.”  But you guys, SERIOUSLY.  This really, really, REALLY needs to be a webisode series.  PLEEEEASE!  Let’s start a letter writing campaign!  People still totally do that, right?

Nice Joe Dirt Wig, Rebekah’s Circle Jerk Boyfriend.

Also, when the hybrid brought Jeremy in, Stefan got so excited his nipples got hard.  No seriously, THEY DID.  Someone screencap this, I AM BEGGING YOU.  Move over, Damon’s Eyebrows!  Stefan’s Nipples are getting serious about their Emmy submission!

Okay, listen.  I get that Bonnie likes to disagree with Damon about everything, but when he sees a professor at a frat party, which … let’s just be real for a minute, is full of pretty much just rapists, freshmen, and high school kids, and Damon calls him Professor Creepy, and you try to say that he is NOT Professor Creepy?  You are just empirically wrong.  And stupid.  BONNIE.

A frat party on Halloween is kind of an awesome idea for a feeding frenzy, though.  Everyone’s drunk, and in costume … gory costumes, no less, and it’s dark and gropey anyway.  They can be as disgusting of eaters as they want, and it just looks like fun makeup.  So convenient!

I swear, every time a boy draws on this show … I don’t know.  All I’m saying is, I might have a fetish.  It could be worse, I suppose.

Alright.  I am also skipping over all the mythology and history in the flashback scenes, but I did want to comment that I loved in the telling of the story, how Klaus talked about how all the Originals got daggered that one night, and then Stefan calling him out like, “I thought that didn’t work on you,” and Klaus smiling all slyly, like he was happy Stefan caught it, and the way he just said, “It doesn’t,” was GREAT.  I love how this show knows its own mythology so well, and pays such good attention to it, that they can play around with it like that.  It really takes the writing to the next level.

I also love this scene with Klaus and Rebekah, where he’s ripping on her about her endless cycle of disappointing men, and then she flips it around on him, like, yup, I totally keep letting you pull your bullshit on me!  And that is fucked up, and very insightful.  And then Rebekah, in a moment of anger, completely laid out Klaus’s plan for Stefan and how manipulative it was, and exactly why it would work.  And it was all totally in character.  Rebekah … she might be an emotional idiot, but she’s really smart.

That professor looked kind of hot while lecturing, with the projector picture all over his face, but back in his office with Bonnie at night, with the lights mostly off (yeah, TOTALLY not Professor Creepy, OKAY), he was looking more and more like Prince Humperdink.  Go back and look.  It’s the only thing I’ll ever see now when I look at him.

I do like Fun Elena, you know?  Tackling Stefan, dancing with Damon (Dancing Damon … still the best Damon).  I wish it wasn’t always followed by Buzzkill Elena, but maybe we’ll see her just go wild later on.  I think we will.  And, I guess I should cut her some slack because Buzzkill Elena was activated by the ultimate buzzkill herself, Bonnie … a name so synonymous with Buzzkill that to say Buzzkill Bonnie would be super repetetive.  And also, redundant.

I didn’t really realize what had happened at first with the hunter and the hybrid (I just thought he bit his ear off to like … intimidate him), but when I saw that earring and realized he had a tool, I was like, OH SHIT!  In the best way.  You guys, I think that this hunter is such a great villain for the show because, as Billy and I were discussing one day, the best villains always think they have a righteous cause.  It makes him an interesting character.

You know … I love Stefan, but goddammit if I don’t always feel bad for Damon every single time Elena breaks his heart, which is often.  He’s so tragic, but his intentions are so good, and he’s such an ultimate romantic at heart, which is totally unappreciated by pretty much everyone.  I think Elena kind of gets it, which is one of the only things that makes sense to me about why Damon loves her so much.  Ultimately, if it’s not Elena, Damon is going to have to fall in love with a good girl who can see through his bullshit.

This scene with Stefan and Rebekah was so touching that I was kind of pissed when I found out that it was all a ruse.  Or, maybe just mostly a ruse.  Claire Holt is awesome at almost but not quite crying, and Paul Wesley is amazing at saying EVERYTHING with millimeters of eye movement.  He was so great here, because he hardly said two words after Rebekah realized she’d been betrayed, but you still got from him that he hated doing it but he had to–all very ends justifying means.  And then Klaus is like, HELLO, don’t forget I’m awesome too! and he busts out the Dean Winchester Memorial Single Perfect Man Tear™.  Ugh.  They’re all trying to kill me, aren’t they?  (They are.)

Klaus is very lecturey today.  He needs some Caroline time to fun him up again.

Ohhh … classic Vampire Diaries ending.  Sweet porch scene with Elena and Stefan and soft music and hugging and beautiful lighting, followed by an escaped vampire hunter beheading someone with a chain and holding up the detached head to admire.  (Brief aside: did you guys see how much new tattoo he got after that one?  I mean, that shit like, DOUBLED.  So, does that mean he has now killed two vampires?  Does he get bonus InvisiTat (InvisaLine … HEE!) for a hybrid?  Does shirtless vampire killing give the invisible tattoo artist more canvas to work with?  THESE ARE THE MYSTERIES FOR WHICH I MUST HAVE ANSWERS.)  And then we top it all off with a big fat Holy Shit, What The Fuck moment.  Creepy Professor Humperdink is Hunter InvisiTat’s BOSS?  Whoa!  Holy shit!  What the fuck?  And that is how it’s DONE.

Man, you guys!  This recap was so fun!  Erin will be back next week, but I’m sure I’ll get to fill in here and there, and in the meantime, I’ll try to be better about commenting and joining in those discussions.  If you’re feeling kind and generous, please comment!  It’s a self-imposed hiatus, but I miss getting comments nonetheless and can’t wait to hear your thoughts on the episode!