You guys, I’m nervous. SB is so good at this and we all love reading her stuff but she needs a break to do stuff and I get that and I’m totally excited for her just doing…stuff…but, well…I’m no SB. I’m relatively new at this whole recap game and I have my own style…which isn’t entirely original but it works for me…so, all I can promise is that I’ll do my best to not sully SB’s recap writing reputation & hopefully you won’t be too mad at her for letting me take over for now…cool?

Some quick info on where I stand in the fandom?

• I love Damon. That doesn’t mean I don’t love Stefan…I do. So much. Just, if I had to choose it’d definitely be Damon.
• I don’t “ship” anybody with anybody. I hate that term…I don’t really know why, it’s not a big deal…it’s just a word. Still, it bugs me. I’d like to see Damon with Elena…even if only for a little while…just because I’d like to see Damon happy for a minute. Although, I’m not entirely certain I get why he thinks SHE’d make him happy. If I were a guy I think she’d make me mental.
• I’d also like to see Caroline with Klaus. It’s obviously a bad boy with a sensitive side thing. She & Matt bored me to tears…that’s probably not a popular opinion. She & Tyler are just whatever (eloquent, right?). Tyler’s neither here nor there for me but Trevino’s portrayal of Tyler has completely floored me.  He’s more amazing than I ever would’ve expected.
• Really…I’d just like to see everybody with everybody. I’m an equal opportunist.
• I love Caroline. How can you not? She’s my next favourite after Damon. Just in case you’re keeping tabs.
• Elijah is everything.
• And…other stuff…it’s a big show with a great cast & great characters so yeah, there’s lots more. I’m sure my likes/dislikes will come across in my recap(s). I’m not really good at hiding my thoughts or pandering to people’s delicate sensibilities.  I hope you don’t mind.

Previously on the Vampire Diaries:

Meredith thought she was doing a good thing by helping to heal Elena but Rebekah’s a bitch so THAT didn’t work out; Bonnie was useless some more; Elena loves everybody (by everybody I mean Stefan AND Damon); Klaus was inside Tyler…not necessarily in the way that some of us would want…but now he’s out…of Tyler, I mean; Matt was happy to die…nobody wants to let him; creepy Pastor Young, well within regular laws of regular cities, arrested everybody (by everybody I mean the Sheriff & the Mayor) and then killed a room full of people and I’m not entirely certain what went on there…was he compelled? Do we know? Did I miss something? Will we ever know?

*watching*

Holy shit. That was fantastic. I could probably sit here and make bullet points out of almost every line in the episode but I won’t. Just most of them. It was THAT good.

Okay, let’s get on with this…I think I’m ready…you?

My reactions as I watched:

• I love this whole open…the back & forth between Stefan & Elena being all nature-y and cute and Damon & Stefan being all brother-y while Damon’s at his snarky best.
• Damon unpacking the stuff that Stefan JUST packed s cracking me up. It’s totally reminding me of when I was splitting with my ex (years ago)…he was trying to kick me out of my own house after HE cheated on me. Awesome right? He kept packing my stuff & I kept going behind him and calmly unpacking and basically laughing in his face  and it was fantastic…we were seriously criss crossing each other exactly like Stefan & Damon are here. My ex didn’t love me laughing at him. Most guys aren’t fond of that…I don’t think. Sorry…where were we?
• I don’t agree with Stef’s animal-diet methods but I totally love how much he loves Elena and wants this for her because he thinks it’s in her best interest based on how he knows how much she doesn’t want to kill people.
• Damon to Elena: “Trust me, you’re gonna be miserable.” I can’t help but think that Damon’s NOT just referring to her diet.
• You guys, this “it feels like you’re touching every nerve on my body” scene is delicious. If you’d have told me that a Stefan/Elena scene would excite me (not literally…maybe) this much, I’d have told you you were bat shit crazy. But, this is super hot.
• AHHHHH!!!! LOL!!!! And now I love that scene even more!!! (I’m so fickle!) Elena: “Sorry Stef, can we press pause for a minute? Something about what we’re doing is making me feel like I need to throw up blood.” LOL!
• OH! Hello Handsome Hunter Dude! (yes, I know his name is Connor). I know I’m not gonna like you but I don’t mind you on my screen. For now. Who’s April?
• Awwww…Damon :( “This seat’s taken.” You’re making my heart hurt. A lot.
• What’s with hunter dude’s gloves? Clearly we’re zooming in for a reason?
• “If there’s anything I can do, short of giving her a ride…” LOL, Matt…if nothing else he can now be certain that nobody will ever ask him to be designated driver.
• Oh, yes…April. Now I remember the casting announcements & stuff…I’m guessing I’ll care about her eventually or end up hating her & waiting for the moment Damon rips her heart out because we find out she’s evil as fuck?
• Elena: “Stef, what’s with the bubbly?” Stefan: “It goes well with deer & bloody puke aftertaste.” Cheers!!
• Elena to Stefan: “You’re so cheery.” What she means is – “You’re freaking me out. I have no idea what to do with you when you’re in a good mood & it’s not because you’re drunk and/or snacking on ALL of the humans.” Cheers!!!
• I wish I could tell you that Elena going to Damon for help doesn’t affect me at all but I’d totally be lying. I’m fucking thrilled.
• Please tell me that Damon was gesturing towards Matt when he suggested Elena pick “some good ole American comfort food” as her meal.
• HOLY SHIT!!!! Damon & Elena blood sharing??? Jesus. We should just end the episode right here. Maybe even the season. Even if it wasn’t technically sharing…just Elena drinking from Damon…which seems about right.  So hot. Just me?
• And then straight to Caroline/Tyler sex??? Best. Show. Ever.
• Wait…is it just me or is Tyler looking a little orange-y? Can hybrids get tanned? Perhaps it’s just self-tanner? I could see Tyler being that vain.
• Shit! THAT’s what’s with hunter dude’s gloves! Vervain! It’s the new black.
• Why is the length/width of the bullets all of a sudden of consequence…have we ever carefully examined any of the MANY other bullets our vamps have been shot with?
• Caroline: “Are the bullets spelled?” Stefan: “I don’t know. They’re something.” Me: “Hey, why not go check in with Bonnie…maybe she can hel…wait. Nevermind.”
• Hold on. So, April’s dad just died. Her mother was already dead. So how was she registering for school? Who’s her guardian? There are ZERO grownups left in this town.
• Oh good! More blood puking. SO happy I’m not eating watching this.
• LOL @ Stefan: “Open up Bonnie, I can hear you breathing.” Which, I know, vampire hearing and all…still, it makes me picture Bonnie as a slack jawed mouth breather. Mean, I know. I’m sorry. She’s pretty, okay? At least she’s pretty.
• Fuck. I may have let my Bonnie bitch out too soon. I actually like this Stefan/Bonnie dynamic. Not like they should take each other for a spin…mind you, perhaps it’d loosen her up a little bit. Figuratively, perverts. Really though, I just like this friendship. It’s nice. Friendship-y.
• Bonnie: “I’ve completely blown off Jamie.” I swear it wasn’t until I watched the 2^nd time to finish making notes that I actually remembered who Jamie was. Her saying his name didn’t even register the first time. Poor Jamie. Bye.
• Damon to the rescue again!! Seriously, I know he fucks a LOT of shit up…but he’s really good at fixing things too. And he’s good at picking out little black dresses. Everybody needs a Damon in their life.
• LOL x 1,000 at the hunter’s “I’m in environmental clean up.” Hey Connor, I have a friend named Ian who’d love to meet you. (I love these little shout outs from the writers. Does that make me lame? I don’t care.)
• WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK??? A gut stab is NOT how we say ‘hello’ in Mystic Falls. Most of the time. Heart rips…sometimes….but never a gut stab to a teenaged orphan.
• Ohhhhh…he’s totally gonna use bleeding April (that doesn’t sound right) to draw out our vamps, huh? I’m worried about Elena, you guys.
• Holy crap! I’m only half way through…are you still with me? Do we need a break? Let me see if I can scrap some stuff…
• As much as I’m enjoying Elena counting on Damon, I fear that Stefan will not feel the same.
• Is it just me or has Somerhalder worked hard at toning down the ‘crazy eyes’? Not that they ever bugged me…just, in this scene with Stef outside the church his eyes look extra blue & bedroom-y. No crazy in them at all no matter HOW much he means what he’s saying.
• Awwww shit. Dick move, Damon. Way to slip that “she can’t even keep MY blood down” in there. Not cool, dude.
• Stef, just be thankful that you’re not totally using “She drank from you?” as a euphemism.
• Okay, surely Connor’s not just going to open fire in a church…right?
• Damon: “Jealousy’s beneath you, brother.” Stefan: “Ohhh, bite me.” Maybe notsomuch?
• This whole ‘private’, quiet conversation amongst vamps & friends going on in the church is fun…
• Matty to the rescue!! Who’d have thought those words would ever be uttered? Looks like Elena’s gonna get her ‘American comfort food’ after all.
• Tyler too!!! Totally sacrificing himself to draw Connor out?? It’s almost like they’re a cohesive unit!
• Sidenote: I’m impressed that, to me, Vamp Elena doesn’t make me think of Katherine. At all. (speaking of…I totally miss Katherine)
• Oh Connor. Shooting Damon is not gonna make him (or me) very happy with you. Not smart, sir. Although, it doesn’t seem much like you care…you’re a confident fellow.
• LOL @ Stefan clocking Damon in the face!!! Damon: “What was that for?” Stefan: “You know what.” *walks off* This is all made of win…Damon totally deserved that punch. This may have been my favourite scene!
• Damn it!!! Wait!! I’m changing my mind…Caroline helping Elena through the blood lust & lesson in compelling April is DEFinitely my favourite! ‘Cuz Caroline’s a goddess. Obviously. And, we need more girl time. There’s never enough girl time!!  Awwww…Elena looking up to Care with utter delight that she’d done the compulsion right & Care’s proud look…you guys!! So. Cute.
• Oh no…WTactualF you guys? “Nice ink.”??!!  I’d hazard a guess that it doesn’t bode well for Jeremy that he’s seeing magical ink on the hunter’s arm…or maybe it does…maybe it just doesn’t bode well for anybody else.
• I kinda love angry Stefan even though I think he should give a Elena a bit of a break…I mean, she’s REALLY new and she doesn’t want to hurt you…and she only drank from Damon’s hand…it could’ve been worse. But then, Elena has to go and make a bad example of all womankind by turning on the waterworks just to make her boyfriend un-angry and it totally works ‘cuz Nina Dobrev is the master cry-er (crier?). Ugh. We don’t ALL do that, gentlemen. Just FYI.
• Oh no…I think I’m not gonna be able to handl this memorial. At all.
• It can’t only be obvious to me that Damon was responsible for most of these deaths. Okay, maybe not ‘most’ but definitely ‘some’ and ‘some’ is more than enough.
• Shit. Elena’s gonna need a bigger lantern.
• Seriously sobbing watching Damon talk to Alaric. :(
• HOLY FUCK!!! RIC!!!! Awwww, you guys…seriously…buckets of tears. Damon’s memorial with/for Ric totally  beat the lantern thing.
• “I miss you too, buddy.” Jesus. My heart just broke into a million pieces.

Wow. What an episode. I don’t even know what to say…I mean, I’ve already said a lot. But how do I even wrap this up. When I watched last week I totally said “I don’t think I realized how much I missed the show over the summer but now I’m so happy it’s back.” And that episode had NOTHING on this. I need to digest it some more. Or something.

For now, some of my favourite quotes from the episode…all from Damon…it won’t always be all Damon…probably…it’s just that he’s always given the best lines!

• “If I was gonna kill 12 people, I wouldn’t blow ‘em up. I’d have a dinner party.”
• “Am I wearing my ‘I blew up the council t-shirt?’”
• “Damon, germaphobe.”
• “Just a little mid-service snack. Church always gets me hungry. The whole blood/Christ thing.” (LOL!)

What did you think? Are you as in love with this episode as I am? Do you need more time to process? How amazing was it to see Matt Davis back as normal, lovely, not all evil & murderous, Ric ‘hanging out’ with grieving-in-his-own-way Damon?! There will never be another bromance like yours, boys. He looks fantastic. I really hope this isn’t the last we’ll see of him…it can’t be, right?!

Let me know what you thought in the comments…I’ll do my best to get back to you quickly (sadly, pesky work and their monitored internet will likely get in the way a little bit)! Or, hit me up on Twitter: @erintalkscrap … work doesn’t monitor my phone/Twitter use. Ha! Suckers.

*It’ll probably take me 18 more re-reads of this before I catch all unintentional typos/grammar mistakes…I’m not doing that right now. I’m tired and emotionally drained. I need a shot (or 3) of bourbon and a nap. Forgive me?