SEX AVENGERS!

Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia. According to Leslie, “Seniors have a lot of time and they’re going at it hard, old people style.” Most of them haven’t had proper sex ed, so diseases are getting spread. (Hey look, a rhyme!) Leslie rises to the challenge of arming these geezers with preventative knowledge.

Leslie, Donna, and Andy assemble the old folks of Pawnee for a little info session. Donna puts on a demonstration on how to protect everyone during group sex using 3 bananas, a cucumber and a pineapple. In the conference room a few scenes later, there is a watermelon added to the mix. I just can’t with the prop department, guys. They’re so sneaky and hilarious.

But Leslie’s getting in trouble with the Family Rights Council or whatever seeing as Pawnee has an abstinence only sex education. Not just in schools, but so government employees can only teach abstinence only.

Marsha & Marshall Langman are the town’s morality watchdogs and Leslie’s nemeses. They take her on Perd and try to rap about how God wants these geezers to wait until marriage. Ugh, whatever. It’s like they don’t know their audience at all. But Leslie can’t handle their stupid agenda, so she tosses out handfuls of condoms like it’s Halloween weekend on a college campus. She gets a censure from the Mayor for her troubles but she swears to make the town see reason that abstinence only education is actually worse for our youth than sex ed. Preach it, Leslie!

Serious question: Am I the only one that wants Chris and Marshall to hook up?

Also in this plot, Ann went to a dude ranch with Ricky. She got a whole outfit out of the trip. I hate the fringe, but I love the plaid & boots. Girl you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking and had a baby and I love it.

April Blart, Mall Cop

We’re introduced to Ben & April’s boss this episode, Congressman Murray, and he’s got to be a robot, right? April agrees with me. I mean, I know the show won’t go there, but all signs point that way for now. Maybe he’s a Cylon? But then I think no, Cylons are way more animated than that dude.

April: “He probably thinks things like 1 1 0 1 must eat babies for fuel.”
Ben: “Why would a robot need to consume organic matter?”

Apparently he just turns on his performance when he’s needed and just powers down the rest of the time. I can’t wait to see how the show plays this. I hope it’s not just a one episode ploy.

Nacho Average Podcast

Tom got in a car crash because he was tweeting while driving. I won’t make a joke about this, because those texting while driving commercials are annoying, but effective. Tom gets sentenced to one week without screens – no phones, tablets, televisions, computers, etc. If he violates that, he’ll get a whole month. He’d rather go to jail (understandably so, amirite?). The following are the tweets he sent leading up to, and directly after, the accident:

9:15 – Four green lights in a row. #blessed
9:17 – Drive faster, blue civic. Daaaaaaaaaamn. #soccermoms
9:18 – Gotta pass this lady on the ejkerkj. (That’s when he hit the fire hydrant)
9:20 – Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #Unbreakable #WhatsMrGlassuptothesedays? #whynosequel?

Tom crashed again because he was busy tweeting: “Tommy Edamame is back on the grid. Tell everyone to light me up with their digies, gotta load ‘em into my burner.” on the way back from buying a new phone at Best Buy. That tweet is pure golf for about six reasons. I would’ve favorited it. Maybe.

Ron recognizes that Tom needs to detox from technology, so he offers to take him to his cabin in the woods. Tom looks at screens because his RL isn’t going so great. Ron agrees not to report Tom, but he has to follow some rules.

1. He has to read an auto-repair book cover-to-cover and help Ron repair the damage he caused to the car.
2. No looking at his phone when talking to a real person.
3. If he ever feels the need to talk about his feelings, go to Leslie.

But wait you guys. There was something about this plot that really affected me, like on a deep, personal level. And it’s this: Tom and I have the exact same internet habits. *shudder* While he does use GChat more than I do, our morning rituals are the same. At least I’m better at chopping wood than him.

Notable & Quotable:

• Andy’s reaction to finding out the old people are having sex is the funniest.
• Ann’s from Michigan!

“Oh my god, Jerry. When you check your email you go to Altavista and type ‘please go to yahoo.com’?” – Tom

“Old people can be pretty ornery.” – Anne
“I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced horny.” – Andy

“Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? Because that’s happening to me.” – Andy

“Where can you get lube that is healthy to eat?” – Donna

“I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.” – Andy

Leslie: “You’re my boss, what do I do here?”
Chris: “Actually, you’re my boss now.”
Leslie: “That’s right! Why am I still weirdly scared of you?”
Chris: “I’ve very confident and I make a lot of eye contact.”

“Really, you want to go there? You’re dressed like a cowboy! When you dated Andy you wore flannel. When you dated Chris you wore Spandex. Ann, please do not lecture me on acting like myself.” – Leslie

This recap, like the show is getting an end tag:

OH MY GAHD BEN & LESLIE. BE CUTER! Oh, wait. That’s not possible. Really, show. You managed to put them together in a 30 second scene and I’m dying over how cute they are. Ugh.

Wait, God. But Ben also has perfect chemistry with April and I love SO MUCH that they are friends now. I just want them to make fun of people / be sarcastic together always.

That’s really it. I loved this episode so very much. It made me happy and I needed that what with midterms and all. Thank you, show. What did y’all think?