Give me the valium or I’m gonna slice ya open with my wedding present!

The wonderfully crazy and misbehaving people of Bluebell, Alabama are back y’all! I for one had a jolly good time watching last night’s episode, there are not that many TV shows that get me actively yelling at the screen or laughing out loud like a maniac. But Hart of Dixie ALWAYS delivers on that front! And I love this little show so much that I begged to be allowed to recap it for you guys this winter. So I hope some of you are still watching, whether it’s because you’re hate-watching or just can’t escape the raw sexual magnetism of one Wade Kinsella!

I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room though; namely Zoe Hart. I know there was A LOT of hate on Zoe last season because she behaved, admittedly, like a spoiled brat. Here’s hoping she won’t be so horribly selfish this season (though there were some tendencies of that last night) so we may grow to love her looney tunes ways again!

The problem with Zoe last season, in my honest opinion, was the whole George Tucker dilemma. I mean, I read somewhere that the writers of the show had always intended for more Zoe/George action but then the chemistry between Rachel Bilson and Wilson Bethel was just so huge that the show veered off its plotted route and headed into Zoe/Wade land (and I don’t think you’ll hear many people complaining about that detour). So, forcing the Zoe/George thing on mid-season didn’t really make much sense because there hadn’t been any proper interaction between the two to justify it. People got understandably frustrated about that.

In any case, just wanted to touch on that a little bit! I still love all of Bluebell’s residents to bits and even if Zoe is utterly clueless and treats Lavon like shit sometimes, I still love watching the show.

Back to basics then!

We left the lovely town of Bluebell in the midst of a violent storm that saw George breaking things off with Lemon a few minutes before the wedding was supposed to take place. She punched him pretty hard for that, way to go Lemon! While George was being a dick, Wade and Zoe were getting hot and heavy at the doc’s place and I cheered. Of course silly George had to ruin the sexy time afterglow by dropping by Zoe’s house, declaring his love for her and telling her how he broke off his wedding for her. Yay?

Last night’s episode started off where the other one left off. The aftermath of the storm. And everything else! 

Zoe adorably jumped on Lavon’s bed, desperate to get some love advice while admitting that her sex with Wade was like an R. Kelly song. Both agreed that Zoe needs a proper girl friend to hash these things out with. Though Lavon is like Yoda, always ready with advice, no matter how horrible it is.

All of this made me miss Annabeth and Zoe, those two together were pretty awesome! But Lavon and Zoe interacting continues to be some of my favorite moments of this show (right after shirtless Wade, naturally).

Then onto one of the most awkward breakfast gatherings ever: Wade being all, well, Wade and rubbing George’s face in the fact that he just had some fun with the doc. Zoe desperately trying to get everyone to eat a mini-muffin ’cause those will fix ya right up, and George going all adorably “NOOOOOOOOO” when he figures the whole Wade/Zoe thing out. Then Georgie turns all douchy by going all “but I left my fiance’ for you and you sleeping with Wade totally sucks after I made this grand romantic gesture” because he wasn’t man enough much, much earlier to do the right thing? As in, not abandon your bride-to-be at the altar and then just expect Zoe to open up her arms for you and then you’ll live happily ever after?

George, George, George…oh how the mighty have fallen…into doucheville.

Meanwhile, Zoe is all confused and doesn’t know what she wants (really Zoe, this should be a no-brainer). I think she really wants Wade to grow up but that doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon!

I don’t know about you guys but I laughed my ass off during the whole A+/B- sex discussion between Wade and Zoe. I thought that was very much in character for those two. And added bonus, Wade was shirtless during this argument. Besides, we all know that Wade ain’t no dummy! He knows exactly which buttons to push when it comes to Zoe and that’s why they make a much better couple than Zoe and George (in my humble opinion of course).

Meanwhile, in town, Zoe has been painted as a home-wrecker, something which might even jeopardize Lavon getting re-elected as mayor. If he’s too involved in “Zoe-Gate” then he better start watching his back!

I love how everything’s a something or the other gate these days.

Good thing Zoe makes a FEMALE friend in the middle of all this mess. Ruby, a sassy Bluebell returnee who just happens to be Lavon’s ex-girlfriend. I’ve decided I quite like her. And god knows Zoe needs her. Plus, Ruby and Lemon are sworn enemies (those air kisses were adorably snarky) so that should be interesting (good of Ruby to poke fun at the whole being-named-after-a-fruit thing). I wonder if we’re headed to a Lemon/Lavon/Ruby triangle territory? That would be very Bluebell-ish.

Now, while the whole Zoe and her “who should I choose as a permanent bed warmer” dilemma is delightfully entertaining, my absolute favorite moment of this episode has to be Lemon’s little breakdown. Lemon is the BEST!

Our girl Lemon doesn’t just sit down and give up, oh no! She does a whole Scarlett O’Hara impersonation, vowing she’ll rise again because she’s a Southern Belle. And then she has a mini-break down and goes walking around town with a cake knife. All the way to Zoe’s door. And hilarity ensues.

George and Wade are pretending to be best buds, trying to fool themselves into thinking that they don’t care one way or another about who Zoe is likely to choose. Then they see Lemon go into Zoe’s house with the cake knife and oh dear me! While George is worried about the situation, you can just see the pure glee that takes over Wade’s face! Like he already mentioned to Zoe, she’s a walking, talking country song at this point!

Cops get involved. Well, ONE cop gets involved and he’s really hoping to become the John McClane of Bluebell, Alabama. But before he can go yippie-kay-yay mother f****r the situation has become the town’s evening entertainment. While the good citizens of Bluebell gather around Zoe’s house hoping to catch some action, Lemon is busy trying to convince herself that she’s not having a panic attack and that Zoe is really just a quack but still one of the few people in town that won’t bother cuddling her.

It’s obviously complicated.

Outside, Wade decides to play the hero and prepares to enter the house but George is all “hell no” and attacks Wade. All of a sudden we’re thrust into the middle of a Lays commercial but secretly hoping it’ll end up more like a scene from Bridget Jones. In a sad turn of events the fight is cut short because other people don’t know about the awesomeness of guys fighting in the mud.

Out come Zoe and Lemon, completely unaware of the crisis they’ve somehow created. Everyone acknowledges that they have a hand or two in the mess that’s been created. Lemon slept with Lavon. George has a crush on Zoe. Wade and Zoe had A+/B- sex. Nobody is a home-wrecker. Everybody’s been a little bit slutty. Everyone’s a little bit crazy.

Seriously, what did the good people of Bluebell do for entertainment before Zoe came to town?

And then Zoe, quite willing to prove she can deliver A+ sex, jumps straight into the sack with Wade and I cheered again! I hope this continues because those two are just great together!

All-righty then! What did I leave out?

Oh yeah, in the end Zoe chooses herself over the two hot dudes chasing her. Though this didn’t stop her from frolicking with Wade. And Brick finally moved on from his ex and went on a date with Emily (the cake-making lady). Also, there was no Rose in this episode! I need more Rose!

Here’s what I want to see happen this season:

a) I want Lemon to grow up and get a job (well, she’s gonna be waitressing at the Rammer Jammer now, not sure that’s gonna last very long!). Like she rightfully pointed out, everyone needs to stop coddling her.*

b) I want Wade to grow up and open up his own bar.*

c) I want George to grow up and get a life.*

d) I want Zoe to grow up and stop being a brat.*

(*I realise resistance is futile in these matters ’cause if they all grow up I won’t have anything to laugh at anymore.)

Right, so, any thoughts at all on this season opener?

Next week, things become even messier when George tries to date. After being in a relationship with the same woman for 15 years. And with Wade as his wing-man. I smell a disaster in the making. I’m already filled with glee at the prospect!