So, last night’s episode, “Fluffer,” is maybe my new favorite episode.

I basically want to either a) completely forego a review of it and just quote the whole thing, or b) talk about how much I over-identify with Jess, but I’ll do that on my own blog, on my own time because, really, no one here needs to read that.

What made last night’s episode so great is that it finally addressed what is happening—and not happening—between Nick and Jess.

Through a comedy of errors involving Schmidt spotting Kanye and then being mistaken for a Romney, he and Winston ditch Jess and Nick at their roommate bonding date, thus leaving Jess and Nick on a date that is thoroughly cheap and bizarre, but very true to who they both are.

After their not-date, Nick agrees to go to Ikea with Jess because her mind-blowing sex with Sam—that she insists was made possible by Nick because he prepped her for casual sex—breaks her dresser. Winston steps in and informs Nick that he is Jess’s “fluffer,” which is apparently a porn term that means the person who keeps the actors sexually motivated.

Nick doesn’t appreciate this, but it definitely gets him thinking, because after the Ikea trip, Nick and Jess have a pretty insane fight in which Nick tells her he won’t be her fluffer anymore and then points out that he is her boyfriend without the rewards, but that he doesn’t want the rewards, which Jess obviously takes offense to because she is a girl and wants to be thought of as a sexual object sometimes, and also somehow Thomas Jefferson and the Louisiana Purchase are both mentioned in the fight.

And y’all. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed it. I actually rewound my DVR to re-watch their fight because it was just so well done. Those two should just fight all the time.

This fight also gets under Jess’s skin, and she goes on a diner date with Sam, whom I actually like a lot. I mean, he’s obviously attractive, but he’s also just really honest. When Jess asks him under what circumstances he would assemble a dresser for a woman, he tells her “Marriage. Or if I were a carpenter.” And then adds, “I can’t pleasure a woman and build a dresser at the same time. I’m not God.”

Jess also explains to him that if they want to continue their casual sexytimes, that she can’t date him because she’ll fall in love with him, because that’s just how she is. And, you know. I think this is a really brave thing to say to someone. Or maybe I’m just a wimp and need to open up to people. *shrug*

In any case, when Jess gets back to the loft, Nick is building her dresser, despite the fact that Winston emphatically told him not to.

And then this happens:

And that is the best DTR I’ve ever seen on television.

Other Things 

• Schmdit’s whole story about being Tugg Romney (Schmidt Romeny would have been a little on the nose I guess. But still!) had me ROLLING. If this episode doesn’t get Max Greenfield nominated for another Emmy, then I don’t understand anything.
• And Winston! He had something to do! Not only was he having sexual fantasies about other women because he and Shelby (SHELBY!) are in a rut, but he ALSO doled out some pretty sage wisdom on how to be just friends with a girl. Yay Winston!
• NICK’S ZOMBIE BOOK MENTION! I still call publishing dibs. *glares at other editors*
• The white wine thermos: YES. Though, I’m sort of with Nick, if you’re going to not-so-sneakily sneak in a thermos to a restaurant, you should probs put whiskey (or bourbon) in it.
• The flashback to the pilot episode with Pink-Wine-Drunk Jess watching Nick play with beer nuts as the time she imagined sleeping with him was well-played.
• I like that Cece continues to be there for Schmidt. She’s the only person on the show thus far who has addressed that when he’s overreacting and being ridiculous, it’s because he’s deeply insecure and has pretty deep abandonment issues. It adds depth AND gives her stuff to do.

And now I will quote nearly the entire episode to you:

“You’re a big girl, you can watch The Walking Dead alone.”—Nick to Jess

Schmidt: “It’s after Labor Day. I’m wearing whales.”
Nick: “You look like a bad 1980s movie.” (YAY VINEYARD VINES DIG! Seriously, that shit is ridiculous. And ugly. Why rich people wear pants THAT UGLY and THAT EXPENSIVE is beyond me.)

“You know, the drunker you get, the more obvious you are with the thermos.”—Waiter to Nick

“LOFT TROLL EATS FANCY SOUP.”—Jess, after Nick tells her she looks great and that he forgets how pretty she is when she isn’t being the loft troll.

Jess: “Will you go to Ikea with me?”
Nick: “Sure, I’m not doing anything. But don’t let me near the Malm collection. I can’t afford it and I’m a sucker for it everytime.”

“I just wish I had a lot more solo Tugg time.”—Schmidt

“Nit-picking turns me off. You’re a horribly unattractive human. Tugg Romney, out.”—Schmidt to the “Kappa for Romney” who calls him out on not being a Romney

“I love this stuff. It’s like high-stakes Legos.”—Nick to Jess, re: building her dresser

“When we’re done, I want you to immediately turn this off.”—Sam to Jess, re: Nick’s Sexy Mix.

I realize I have left out A WHOLE BUNCH OF GEMS, so please feel free to add your favorite quips/lines/entire segments of this episode, in comments. Because, really, it is great. GREAT I TELL YOU.