So, FOX really, really, REALLY loves New Girl (it seems that they have moved away from the word-that-shall-not-be-written-or-spoken, so hooray!) and they are airing not one, but TWO episodes tonight. But not back-to-back. Of course not. They used their New Girl episode magic as a sandwich so that we’ll all sit and watch Ben and Kate in between the two New Girl episodes.

Damn marketing ploys that probably/most likely will work well if most people are like me and are too lazy to change the channel or do something more productive than sit for thirty minutes.

However, these two New Girl episodes, the first titled “Relaunched” made me a little concerned that it was going to be a really meta episode in which they rebranded New Girl into, like, a horror show or something. But they didn’t. And now I kind of want them to? Instead we got a  lackluster episode in which Schmidt has his penis cast removed and Jess is laid off. I mean, it wasn’t a horrible episode by any means, but it was definitely THE SCHMIDT SHOW with a sprinkle of the other cast members here and there.

The second episode, “Katie,” centered on Jess being the object of affection for more than one gentleman caller, and was a little all over the place. But was far more enjoyable than the premiere episode for me. Meaning that I actually laughed out loud more than once during the episode.

But let’s go in chronological order and discuss “Re-launched” first. (I know, I’m lame. Shut up.) The big event of the episode is that Schmidt throws himself a rebranding party since his penis is, uh, capable of going up without bringing agony again. This party is, of course, held at the bar Nick works at (does anyone know the name of that bar?) and Nick is, of course, the bartender. And because Jess is conveniently unemployed, she begs to be hired for the party and she becomes Shot Girl #2. Because PARKER FUCKIN’ POSEY is Shot Girl #1/Casey.unun

It comes as no surprise that she is a terrible Shot Girl #2. After a conversation wherein Nick tells Jess she doesn’t have the right kind of hotness required to be a shot girl, she shows up dressed as a 1920s cigarette girl—which is a really good look on her—but one that annoys Nick because, as he points out, “What if I wanted to take a body shot off you?  I can’t because you’re wearing a turn of the century bathing costume.”

I see your point, sir.

So Jess gets up on the bar and dances like a total dork and then has a breakdown as the crowd chants “Shot Girl” because she’s not a shot girl, she’s a teacher.

She and Nick have a little Reality Bites moment whilst sitting on a car hood talking about how much life sucks. It’s . . . fine. Those two are really good at mooning at each other and I just really like Jake Johnson (BTW, if you didn’t see Safety Not Guaranteed in theaters this summer, FIND IT IMMEDIATELY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY AND WATCH IT.) and I want him and Jess to just make out already. Even though they *are* really insanely good at staring at each other longingly.

The other big event of the night is that Cece shows up at Schmidt’s rebranding party with her new boyfriend Robbie (played by Nelson Franklin, whom I like a whole bunch). Robbie is pretty much a slob who cares nothing about his appearance and also doesn’t like music. Schmidt is totally confused as to why Cece would ever deign to date this guy and when he asks her she just says, “He’s a really nice guy.” Then she tells Schmidt that he’s going to be fine, which is true.

Also, Winston is still around, and he enjoys a fruity cocktail. Also also, both he and Nick use “Groove is in the Heart” as their go-to song to sing in the shower/when plastered. I APPROVE.

Other Things

“I spent two months in summer school with an Indian student named ‘Vaj Rejoov’ and I didn’t laugh once. Not once.”—Jess

I lost my mind when Schmidt said “Obama!” under his breath when Jess announced she’d been laid off. Oh New Girl.

“Who did you invite?”—either Winston/Nick to Schmidt
“The ladies from Lululemon, my urologist, my financial planner, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, a writer from Crank Yankers, and, of course, Cece.”—Schmidt

“My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. They don’t have to go to boob jail every day.”—Jess on why it’s great to be unemployed. Word, lady.

“There’s got to be an explanation for this. Like, he’s the Lord of Winterfell, or he’s working with a real piece of pipe.”—Schmidt on Robbie

“I graduated from MIT and then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.”—Casey (Parker Posey), when Schmit asks her what happened in her past after she basically tells him she’s the easiest lady ever. BUT MY GOD, CAN YOU BLAME HER. That might be the saddest shit I’ve ever heard.

Also,  there was a Fat Schmidt flashback for those of you who like that type of thing

AND NOW FOR THE SECOND (BETTER) EPISODE.

This one is called “Katie,” and it involves Jess still being unemployed and driving the roommates crazy with her crafting/baking/cleaning/generally being in a good mood even though she’s unemployed. So Nick gives her a speech about why she should be living off the grid and perhaps being an outlaw instead of doing all the things she noramlly does.

So she goes with him to the bar at 11 AM. While there she meets two of Nick’s coworkers, Andy a very normal dude who she engages in some repartee, and Bearclaw (played by Josh Gad from Book of Mormon and that episode of Girls where people get married.) who is not quite right in the head or something. She tells Nick to give her number to Andy, except she doesn’t say Andy thinking Nick is a normal human being who would never give her number to someone who is possibly not all there in the head. But of course he gives her number to Bearclaw, which creates a little comedy of errors.

But before that, Jess also meets a hot guy named Sam in the bar. Sam—who LOVES Creed—is looking for Katie, the girl he set up a date with online.

Jess decides to be Katie. (I found this HYSTERICAL since Zooey looks so much like Katy Perry.) This is obviously a plan that will never work out in the longrun, but she ends up getting laid and apparently it was fantastic, so she’s pretty okay with being Katie and her darling roommates are okay with calling her Katie in order to keep the charade up. They are seriously the best roommates ever.

So! After Jess is Katie, she’s texting with Bearclaw, whom she thinks is Andy, and Jess’s texts are hysterical. She has no idea how to be coy or play cool and I just love her for it. So anyway, Bearclaw shows up at her door and she’s genuinely shocked, though the rest of the viewing audience isn’t, and then we end up seeing Josh Gad’s ass crack, which I never needed to see, and also I had NO IDEA you could get away with that on network TV before 10 PM. Or at all. The more you know, right?

So Jess and Bearclaw hang out and for a minute I think maybe she’s going to have pity sex with him, but then he tells her that he might want to role play that he’s a ghost and she’s over it. She feigns illness and tells him to leave, and then she goes to the bar to have really loud sex with Sam in a bathroom stall. Bearclaw has ALSO headed back to the bar, and overhears the loud sex, but thinks that someone is being raped, so he and Andy and Nick all rush into the bathroom and find Jess/Katie there with Sam. Obviously the jig is up.

EXCEPT IT ISN’T.

Sam shows up the next day and makes a big speech about how he doesn’t care who Jess is, and in fact doesn’t care about her at all. He just wants to have insanely amazing sex with her.

She’s cool with it.

In other character plot lines, Winston’s really hot professional basketball playing sister Alisha is in town and Schmidt decides he must woo her. It’s embarassing. Also, Winston’s mother HATES Schmidt, which is awesome.

And our dear Nick meets Future Nick, who has come back to talk to Now Nick about the things he should do to make his future better. We learn that Nick WILL eventually finish his zombie book (I CALL DIBS ON PUBLISHING IT, OTHER EDITORS WHO MAY BE READING THIS.) and that he will do something to Jess that he should apologize for. Obviously, at first Nick thinks the dude is insane, but eventually he starts thinking that maybe he really did time travel and starts giving it some serious consideration.
 

 
In the end it turns out that Future Nick is just a crazy homeless guy who thinks he can time travel. But Nick still heeds his advice and apologizes to Jess for whatever it is he may do in the future that hurts her. She says she forgives him, even if he gets drunk and pees on her pretty dresses in her closet. (Sidenote: I ACTUALLY know someone who drunkenly peed in a closet all over a dude’s shoes. It was hilarious.) It’s a really sweet little scene and I just enjoy the two of them immensely.

Other Things

“Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this, prison?”—Schmidt to Jess

OMG SCHMIDT TALKED ABOUT HIS CHEST MOLES.

“He brewed me like a fine chamomile.”—Jess, on having sexytimes with Sam

“I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, which I thought was weird, came back down, turned into a werewolf, I scared some teenagers and came back into my body. Other thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I’m a dancer and/or something involving puppets.”—Jess’s further thoughts on having sexytimes with Sam

“This is so normal. This isn’t upsetting at all.”—Nick on seeing Jess jump on a dude and make out with him.

“You don’t have the skill to juggle two men.”—Schmidt to Jess
“You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan.”—Nick to Jess

“HE IS THE ELDER STATESMAN OF OUR GENERATION.”—Nick, on Kurt Loder.

 So there we have it! Please do let me know your thoughts, feelings, favorite moments froml ast night’s TWO New Girl episodes in comments.

P.S. There is a New Girl BOOK, The Douche Journals by Schmidt that is on sale now! YOU SHOULD BUY IT.*

*Full disclosure, it is totally published by the division of HarperCollins that I work for. I will see none of the proceeds, so it’s not like I’m benefitting from this, other than maybe helping my company sell a book. Is it so wrong to want to do that?