Hi guys. I’m Bethany, and I’m pinch-recapping this week for our beloved Andy, who is frolicking around Canada wearing a mountaineer hat, drinking syrup, and saying “eh” and “aboot.” We’re all very jealous.

For this pinch-recap, I’ve decided to do it stream-of-consciousness style. This is partly because I just read Let’s Pretend this Never Happened by Jenny Lawson, which you should totally read, and I’ve been inspired to try and write like her (meaning be more truthful about the things that I think in my brain but that I don’t necessarily say for fear of judgment.) and partly because I’ve decided SYTYCD is the perfect show to do a stream-of-consciousness style review.

Ready? OKAY! *cheerleader clap*

Cat Deeley looks less orange this week!

This opening number with the fans and the broken angles has to be Mandy Moore (not the singer/actress/voice of Rapunzel in Tangled/wife of Ryan Adams). Because the music sucks. But maybe it’s Sonya. There are a lot of cabrioles happening, which makes me think it’s Mandy. And also the terrible music. And use of fans as props. But does Mandy do group routines?

Also, I feel like you should all know that there’s something about Will that makes me want to punch him in the face.

What is this weird dove-like hand symbol thing they all keep doing in their intros? Should I know this? Are they a dancing gang? Like in West Side Story? If so, where the fuck is the other gang for them to dance rumble against? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THIS NAPOLEON DYNAMITE LOOKING HAND SYMBOL MEANS. I’m sure Nigel will tell me and that will make it immediately less interesting to me since he is an enormous twat.

CHOREOGRAPHED BY PETER CHI. HE IS NEW. THIS IS WHY I WAS SO CONFUSED.

Oh they brought back the orange background. Now Cat is the same color as it. Lighting is so tricky like that.

OMG JESSE TYLER FERGUSON IS THE GUEST JUDGE AND HE IS WEARING A BOW TIE. I saw him in Shakespeare in the Park’s The Merchant of Venice two years ago, but I didn’t really appreciate it then because I was totally in awe of how short Al Pacino is and couldn’t really pay attention to anything else. As for bow ties, I am a general enthusiast of them.

Cat Deeley totally just did the “ever ever ever” thing from this Kate Nash song.

So, since we’re in the Top 8 these days, the dancers have to dance a solo and a piece with an all-star. DOUBLE TIME, BITCHES.

The Order of Things

Tiffany is dancing her solo to a Glee cast song. She is fired.

Witney and Twitch do a hip-hop routine choreographed by Luther Brown, who is from Canada and does East Coast hip-hop and wears sunglasses indoors, presumably at all times. His catch phrase is “ratched.” This confuses poor Witney. They dance to a song called “My Homies Still,” which I totally read on my TV screen as “My Hornies Still.” Witney is wearing MC Hammer-pants and I’m very concerned about it. Also, Witney is really good at hairography. I can’t decide if she’s good at hip-hop. Nigel has a giant, creepy crush on Witney and therefore he likes this. Mary likes it. These judges need to stop trying to make “buck” happen. It’s not going to happen. JTF is awesome.

Will’s solo. I think he’s basically Kent 2.0. Except more punchable. He’s one of those dancers that I recognize as “good,” but he does absolutely nothing for me. Kent, on the other hand, I really liked despite myself.

Cole and Allison do a Sonya Tayeh piece. Yay. The movement is choppy and robotic and at moments it looks like it freezes in mid-air. It’s really awesome. It also sort of reminds me in sensibility of a piece by Inbal Pinto & Avshalom Pollack Dance Company called “Oyster.”  I really dug it, so I’m good with this. JTF loves it. Mary loves it. Nigel calls it “quirky” and I want to stab him in the face.

And now it’s time for Lindsay’s solo. She’s really good at what she does, and I suppose she’s pretty in a Mormon kind of way. But there’s something about her that makes me dislike her. If I were forced to pick either her or Witney, it would be Witney.

Eliana and Ryan do the quick-step. I do not remember Ryan at all, which is fine, I think. I’m guessing he was a ballroom person. Also, WHERE IS PASHA?! NEED MOAR PASHA. I think I want Eliana to win. But Lindsay probably will, just to spite me. Anyway, I thought maybe Ryan was going to kiss Eliana at the end, and I all kinds of prepared for it, and then it didn’t happen, and then I was sort of disappointed? Double anyway, Mary thought Eliana was spectacular and then gave her a ton of criticism. JTF said “Lord have Murphy,” which sort of made me want to stab him, despite my fondness for his person. My affection for his bow tie will save him. Nigel said things, but I ignored him.

Chehon’s solo! He is shirtless. I’m okay with this. Something went kind of wonky toward the end of his solo though. It can probably be blamed on the camera work. Why do they insist on doing weird close ups and shit? JUST KEEP THE CAMERA POINTED TOWARD THE STAGE. We don’t need no stinking angles. Just show us the dancing. THIS ISN’T DIFFICULT.

Lindsay dances with Alex in a Sonya piece. NO. THIS IS SET TO “SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW.” Goddammit, Sonya. I further assert that Lindsay isn’t that good. She doesn’t fully extend her legs at times and it really bothers me. Nigel said words and people booed or something, but I was discussing PLL with my roommate, so I didn’t catch what he said. And I’m not concerned. Mary agrees with whatever Nigel said and people boo her too, because we live in a world full of people who only want positive reinforcement. THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. JTF said “ding-dong-dorable,” so no one booed him.

Will and Lauren dance a Christopher Scott hip-hop routine. IT’S SET TO A WYE OAK SONG. AHHHH. I WILL LOVE THIS ROUTINE NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I LOVE THIS BAND. Also, I’d like to point out that only a white boy choreographer would pick this song for a hip-hop piece. That is Le Truth. Mary loved it. JTF thinks Will is an adorable puppy x infinity. This means I want to kick the most adorable puppy-person on the planet. Which I can accept. Nigel didn’t understand it because he’s British or something, but kept talking for a thousand years anyway and maybe sexually harassed Lauren.

Witney’s dad is very dad-like and that makes me like him. It freaks me out when dad’s are more like pimps than dads, à la Jessica Simpson’s creeptastic father/manager/pimp/pastor. Anyway, I’ve decided I like Witney because she has good hair. I’m okay with her winning and then becoming the new Kelly Ripa or something.

Cole’s solo happens. There’s something really bizarre about the structure of his face. I think I will blame his nose. And even though his monkey feet make me a little crazy, I like him. I feel like he’s sort of like that dude who does vogueing or whatever it’s called on America’s Next Top Model and you just kind of watch him and think, “YES. YOU GO.” That’s how I feel about Cole.

Cyrus and Melanie dance a Mandy Moore piece. LET US ALL PREPARE FOR TERRIBLE 1980S MUSIC. Because that is Moore’s M.O. Except she uses a Freddie Fresh/Fatboy Slim song and makes me look stupid. Way to subvert the audience’s expectations, Moore. However, she basically rips off Fosse choreography the entire time. This routine is a waste of time. Cyrus is just nodding his head and shaking his dick around, and Melanie is doing all the actual dancing. JTF suggests that Cyrus could win, and not even my affection for his bow tie could keep me from screaming at him. Nigel says words. I think maybe he blames America for Cyrus’s still being on the show, which is, you know, LE TRUTH, but it’s totally evident that he’s being judgey of Americans and their lack of sophisticosity (I’ve decided that’s a word.) while also laughing his way to the bank.

Eliana needs to win. That is all. (Although. You guys. Her feet, though fine, aren’t quite as arched in her pointe shoes as I want them to be. This *could* be because she’s dancing in new pointe shoes or maybe the shank is harder than what she normally dances in. Let’s go with that?)

Chehon does the tango with Anya, who is not to be confused with the character from Buffy. Sadly. Because I basically know nothing about ballroom, I’m always confused on how to judge the dude because his job is to just stand there and make the girl look good. And he didn’t drop her. So I mean, I guess that means Chehon’s good at the tango? They get a standing ovation, so obviously my criteria for judging dudes dancing the tango is correct. Mary raves about it and does the high-pitched train thing. JTF makes fun of Mary’s decibel level and talks about both drinking and nachos, and then creates the Hot Jalapeno Bus. It’s obviously preferable to the Hot Tamale Train. Nigel talks out of his horse face.

[Can we talk about the Payless commercial with the song that goes "I am a paleontologist"? Because I really like this very silly song and am glad that a band made it.]

Cyrus’s solo consists of him having forced muscle spasms. He’s really good at it. Like, if I saw him performing his muscle spasming robot routine in Central Park I would give him a dollar. BUT ONLY if he was also dressed as the Tin Man. I’m a tough crowd.

Tiffany and ADÈ. I loooooove Adé. Well, unless he has that comb in his hair. And then I complain about him. But his hair is short now, so no comb. :) AND IT’S MANDY MOORE AND SHE’S CHOREOGRAPHING TO CELINE DION MUSIC. I FEEL REDEEMED IN MY MUSICAL EXPECTATIONS OF HER. I think I’d like this more if I hadn’t fired Tiffany earlier. And also if she weren’t dressed as one of Daenerys Targaryen’s lesbian handmaidens. Anyway, they get a standing ovation because people love Celine Dion.

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, NIGEL QUOTED ONE DIRECTION LYRICS. CAN WE DEPORT HIM?!

Lindsay and Witney are the bottom two girls! ONE MUST LEAVE. IT BETTER BE LINDSAY.

Cole and Will are the bottom two boys! WHY IS CYRUS STILL AROUND?! America is stupid. If he wins the show, I’m quitting. I don’t know what I’m quitting, but I am. MARK MY WORDS, OCTV.

So it turns out that Lindsay is kicked off! HOORAY AND HUZZAH! She is forced to watch a video package in which she is celebrated and also booted, which is really just the meanest thing in the world. But, HAHA! Now I’m sure she’ll be on Dancing with the Stars as a coach person and then she’ll do Playboy and then become one of Hefner’s girlfriends, much to the horror of the entire Mormon community, who ex-communicate her.

And Will is kicked off! KICK THE PUPPY, SHOW. KICK IT. (Please note that I’m not a proponent of violence against puppies and don’t want any of them to be kicked ever. EVER. DO NOT KICK PUPPIES OR YOU WILL GO TO A VERY SPECIAL HELL.) Then we see Will’s video package, which does not mean a video of his dick in a box. I hope his future includes coming out and maybe also becoming one of Hefner’s girlfriends.

I just realized I still have no idea what the hand gesture thing at the beginning of the episode is supposed to be all about. So now I get to assume that they are signaling for the mob to kill someone. Because that is totally how the mob works.