Hey guys! I know this is a bummer, but I am covering for the always hilarious Nicole and while I’m not even remotely as funny as she is, I have read all of her posts religiously and will do my best to hold down the fort.
The first thing I have to say is, Jesus Christ, who knew how fucking hard it was to pay complete attention to a full episode of this? I almost never just sit and watch it without doing something else and I’d say it generally gets about 25% of my attention, just enough to enjoy Nicole’s recaps. This goddamn episode took me over an hour, with fast forwarding through commercials, to watch, just because I kept having to pause and rewind and stop to read a story about whether the new movie The Possession starring Daddy Winchester really IS based on a true story (supposedly it is, and I am creeped The Fuck™ out), plus I had to pee, and pet my cat … well, you get it. Pretty much everything was more interesting to me than this episode. Until things took an awesome turn, that is, and then we got to the end and I laughed hysterically because so much amazing, campy shit went down, which is SO why we love this show, right? So great. Let’s talk about it.
Have you guys ever noticed how so much shit always goes down in the morning before school? I can barely get my ass out of bed in time for WORK, and they pay me to be there. And unless I was forcibly removed from bed, I was worse as a teenager. What self-respecting 90′s slacker teenager gets out of bed before noon when there’s an option? I mean, I know this isn’t the 90′s (sigh), but things CAN’T have changed that much. I mean, all the kids are up late sexting and smoking synthetic pot and listening to that high pitched frequency app that adults can’t hear all night, right? Or at least that’s what I gather from the local news. Kids and their 4Loko.
Anyway, these bitches get dressed up like they’re going to an office cocktail party (as the high class hookers, not as actual office employees) and stage an intervention for Emily at Spencer’s house, where no one is ever home now now that Melissa is off being Not Pregnant somewhere besides the couch. This leads to Emily and Paige skipping school so Emily could lean backwards on Paige’s boobs, and my tits feel squished and claustrophobic just looking at it. And then Emily decides to spill the A beans to Paige, and seriously, you guys. I know that Paige isn’t evil, mostly because they’ve been making her out to be so evil lately, but still. I thought that Emily was supposed to be the second smartest person in this little group, and here she is all telling shit willy-nilly. I mean, I guess I’m not
Emily in that a.) I would not date someone who tried to fucking DROWN me (the statute of limitations does not run out on that shit, especially in my Who To Fuck Book, which is not a real thing … yet), and b.) I would never wear so many shirts with the shoulders cut out. But still. Can we maybe not go running our mouths to potential psychopaths for like, ten minutes, while keeping it on tighter lock and key than Tebow’s chastity belt (timely football joke!) from anyone who could, I don’t know, ACTUALLY HELP?
In Most Ridiculous Outfit News, Spencer was wearing a dress covered in donkeys with a giant ass-bow, the likes of which have not been seen since bridesmaid dresses in the 80′s. In thinking about it, I became fairly certain that “donkey bow” HAD to be a thing on Urban Dictionary, so I searched it, and what do you know? It was. I did not research “pink furry lamp”, but I really think that whoever names gross sex acts should really consider watching this show for inspiration.
According to the commercial, Wren will be guest starring on Once Upon a Time. Fuck you, Once Upon a Time! I don’t care how many cute British men you put on your stupid show, I’m not getting sucked in again!
Alright, so then a bunch of stuff happened before shit got real that I didn’t pay that much attention to, but here’s the long and short of it: Hanna catches Caleb with a gun and wants him to get rid of it. Why? Because it would be an actual method of defending yourself and no one wants that? Holy fuck. Anyway, he did get rid of it … by putting it in Hanna’s underwear drawer, OBVIOUSLY. On TOP of the undies, OBVIOUSLY. But he picked it back up like five seconds after Hanna left the room, answering the question on all our minds–why didn’t he put the gun in the blender? Ooohhhhh, right–because he didn’t want to REALLY get rid of it, in the most logical way possible.
Toby shows up, and a camera spins around him and Spencer kissing, and either the camera angle or Toby’s face makes me want to puke, but then the show wises up and shows him from his good side (shirtless). Too mean? Oh, wait. I must know. Whose face would you rather make out with–Toby’s, or Michael Phelps’? Anyway. And then, there is fucking.
In unsurprising Aria news, Maggie shows up at Ezra’s door and Aria, in her infinite Aria wisdom, decides THIS is probably the perfect time to rat herself out for spying. Thankfully, Maggie is not a stupid asshole and keeps up the charade, and convinces Aria to do the same by playing the “Ooooh, for my SON!” card, which Aria herself had mentioned last week but has conveniently forgotten, so then Maggie pulls out the ultimate trump card, which is of course “I’LL TELL EZRA ON YOU.” Bitch, whatever, tell away. Evil!Ezra already knows everything. But it still works on Aria, who watches sadly from the kitchen as they eat cake (and as I totally laugh at that). Ezra, who was just ignoring Aria in favor of his “writing” (by which I of course mean “searching for gay porn”, “searching for child porn”, or “searching for gay child porn” … what, too much again?), was totally into Maggie, laughing and smiling and generally looking kind of adorable and age appropriate, which is a whole new side of him, am I right?
Oh, and Mona snuck out of the hospital, dressed from the knees up as a World War II nurse and from the knees down as a Toddlers & Tiaras contestant, and the security guard was just like, sure, go for it. I mean, even for this show, that shit is weak, and I don’t care if she has an access card or not, you cannot tell me that the security guard doesn’t know all the employees there AND that Mona hasn’t made a name for herself, what with all her tantrums and crazy and sneaking into the baby doll ward or whatever. So … SHENANIGANS.
Anyway, Mona leaves the nut house and goes back to A’s Lair, dressed in her gloves and black hoodie, with the other A. Of course, they both have their hoods up, as you do when you’re alone with one other person and you both know each other’s identities, but … this show. Anyway, somehow all the A shit survived Mona’s cabin in the woods hideout being discovered and this one is plastered with Allie’s picture and some other absolutely hilarious stuff, including: a baby doll mask, a Vote for Spencer pin, Bratz dolls, a fax machine, a scary clown mask draped over a lamp, and what may or may not have been a headless voodoo doll. HAHAHAHA! I think the Bratz dolls were my favorite. The clown mask just scared the shit out of me.
Alright, now since we’re still keeping up the Bad Paige™ ruse, Emily’s story was the focus this week. And honestly, they had telegraphed all of this SO HARD that absolutely none of it was surprising. Here’s what we found out that we already knew: Nate wasn’t Maya’s cousin, he was her stalker from Tru North. (I think that’s really how they spelled it.) Somewhat related, there’s a brand of snacks called True North, and they make some insanely kick ass almond pecan clusters. I recommend them if you find them. Anyway, he killed her and he thinks Jenna saw him, now that he knew she was only fake blind, which of course we knew from Jenna’s weird warning last week, followed by immediately getting the fuck out of town. And Paige was proven Not Bad™ when Nate revealed her to be in the closet (girrrrl, don’t you know she came out of the closet like a year ago?), where she had been sitting quietly, just duct taped and ready to be threatened while Emily got calls on an old phone and napped on the couch. While Nate was out getting firewood. Yup, just sitting quietly. Covered in duct tape. NBD.
Anyway, the real charm in this story was in the delightfully terrible execution. Emily wanders out into the woods by herself after she figures out Nate is the murderer. Good thinking. He somehow vamp speeds around and ends up in front of her, staring so creepily that it made me laugh and feel joy that I haven’t felt since Ian’s crazy ass opened the door in that funhouse and was staring at the girls like a psychopath. Man, will I ever get tired of that shot? Doubtful? Anyway, a series of questionable events occurs … let’s bullet this (since no one on the show is using bullets, right?).
- After Nate openly threatens Emily in the woods and before she knows he has Paige, Emily just goes back to the cabin with him. There’s no sign that he forced her. Now, Emily is pretty athletic, and I feel like she could make a pretty good run for it. And I know that Nate is a guy and might actually be stronger than Emily, but Emily’s still pretty strong and I feel like she could fight him fairly easily. This makes no sense to me.
- As Emily watches the video of Maya, Nate just keeps repeatedly stabbing the table. Why? What is the point? What did the table do to him? Ugh, he should go live at Hanna’s house, where fucked up interactions with inanimate objects are just another thing to do before leaving for school.
- Again, with the athleticism, why is Emily just letting Nate hold a knife up to Paige and possibly cut her? Why isn’t she fighting him at all? It’s not like it’s a gun. Gun I would understand. Gun would even make SENSE to not fight him. But a KNIFE? God, even I would fight him on it and I’m fairly certain I couldn’t even bench press the bar … if I ever bench pressed, which I do not.
- Nate tells Emily is real name, Linden James. This wasn’t so much questionable as just utterly and thoroughly pointless. Listen, show, that’s five more seconds you could’ve spent showing us the weird shit in A’s lair. Priorities.
- Also, now that I think about it, this entire weekend getaway to a vague destination with a strange boy was a VERY questionable decision on Emily’s mom’s part. Also, if I flew to Pennsylvania from Texas to see my ungrateful bitch daughter and she took off with said random boy to said vague cabin in the middle of nowhere, I would throw a fucking FIT.
- And finally, we end with the most classic of all questionable decisions, Emily’s decision to climb a zillion stairs to a tiny confined space with only one way in or out. Sigh. I get that she was trying to get a cell signal, but RUN TO THE ROAD. Have these bitches never seen a horror movie? It was the bell tower all over again.
Anyway, Emily does manage to get a signal and calls 911 from the lighthouse, and promptly drops her phone in a struggle with Nate, who steps on it (because there was no garbage disposal handy). And I just … you guys, I have dropped various phones about a million times and they all lived, but for my newest one, I invested in an Otter Box, and I just don’t know why everyone wouldn’t, especially these accident-prone bitches. Like, I feel like that thing will outlast a nuclear holocaust. It’s just gonna be Twinkies, cock-a-roaches, and Otter Boxes.
Emily FINALLY stabbed Nate (Emily, you could’ve done this without climbing all those stairs, hello), and Caleb gets there and sets down his gun to help Emily. Well, I didn’t know how, but I somehow knew immediately that THAT wasn’t gonna end well. And it didn’t. We don’t know how, but Caleb somehow got shot and is now in surgery. But don’t worry–I’m pretty sure he’ll live (unless he gets a better role, or maybe just another part as Peter Pan in a miniseries or something). PLL obviously blew their parental budget on Emily’s mom and the Mariska Hargitay lookalike that is Spencer’s mother, and Ashley was nowhere to be found. Must be off gettin’ busy with the preacher man, am I right? Oh, and now Garrett is free … FREE TO GIVE EVERYONE CREEPY OVER THE SHOULDER LOOKS! YAAAAY!
Alright, so the very last scene was Toby making the liars buy tickets to the Halloween dance (which we will SO be covering, as you know), and there were some extra shots of the lair, complete with Alison wig and changes of clothes for the Bratz. (Also, when BRATZ outfits can’t outcrazy your real clothes, time to reevaluate your life.) But the very BEST scene was the second to last. I pretty much want a gif of the whole entire thing. It. Was. Perfect. PERFECT!!!!! First, we had Mona doing the most dramatic lipsticking EVER, followed by the dramatic reveal of EVIL TOBY! who … I’m definitely not as excited about Evil!Toby as I would’ve been about Evil!Ezra, but it’s still pretty good and I’m kind of excited. His evil face under his evil hoodie, followed by his evil “inconspicuous” wearing of all black, leather gloves, hood up, and darting “inconspicuously” around the corner was HYSTERICAL. No, seriously. I almost peed myself. God. That was the best thing ever.
So does this mean Toby and Jenna can get back together? Because I really miss that little side plot, and what’s better than a villain who’s secretly fucking The “Smart” One while also secretly fucking his step-sister? That’s the show I want to be watching!
What did you guys think? Hilarious, right? I can’t wait to hear what Weeping Poet Dad has to say about all this! Oh, and what you have to say about it. Totally. Please humor me with comments!
Tags: Pretty Little Liars