Aw, yeeeah, it’s finale time! Grab yourself a Cajun Margarita and let’s go! You’re probably gonna need ‘em to deal with all the super-gross and ridiculous CGI they managed to pack into this episode.

By the way, it’s Laura/twinkiesandwine again. I did so well last week they asked me back for the finale! I kid, I’m just filling in for Nicole again (because I have no life) which means gifs galore. Speaking of, I’m also filling in for this week’s gif post, so if there’s anything from this week you desperately want to see, tweet me your requests.

So anyway, some people who were way past their expiration date got taken out (thankfully), some characters regressed a season or four, Alcide fulfilled his destiny (and no one cared), some part-fae babies got borned and we were all blessed with the birth of Billith. It was quite the episode.

For the cold open, we pick up right where we left off last time, with Russell high on fae blood and about to feast on the whole Fae Club. Their microwave fingers are ineffective (and Sookie’s light is pretty much tapped – that’s what happens when you throw a fairy light wasting hissy fit!), but they do serve to distract Russell enough that Eric is able to sneak up and stake him! Once and for all! Oh thank Lilith! This also counts as Gross CGI Moment #1, because Russell’s face not only cracks, but also starts to melt before he explodes into blood-goo. (Newlin peaces out and we don’t see the real him for the rest of the episode.)

Sookie runs out of the club to find Jason, who got the fairy light fragged. He wakes up, but is hallucinating Mama and Daddy Stackhouse, or at least a super vampire-racist version of them. I really don’t want to believe that’s actually them, or how they really were. It basically just regresses Jason back into Season 2/Fellowship of the Sun Jason, which includes a heavy dose of “oh Sookie, you’re so dumb and weak and can’t think or care for yourself” and FUCK THAT.

Eric and Nora (after some promising on Godric’s grave not to eat Sookie) run over to Fangtasia to pick up Tara, some travel coffins and some cash, then back to Sookie’s to enlist her (and Jason’s) help in the Authority compound siege. Eric knows that the only chance they have in getting Bill to snap out of his crazy is Sookie; Jason’s fake racist parents see it as an opportunity to kill a ton of vampires.

Sam’s plea to Bill goes exactly as well as you would suspect, so he shifts back into a fly and into the ventilation system he goes. But now The Authority knows it’s been breached, so Bill gives a “kill all vermin” order.

Speaking of The Authority, it’s now just Bill and Salome, and Bill plays right into all of Salome’s hopes and dreams, telling her that Lilith appeared to him, but it was just to say that Salome’s The Chosen One, the Prophet for the New Age. She tears up like a just-crowned beauty queen.

Sam comes back to check-in with Luna, who’s not interested in leaving Emma, so he’s off the case the joint in fly-mode. He comes back with a plan that involves Luna skin-walking as Steve Newlin, and they nearly are able to walk out the door until Cougar Town Barb intercepts them. Since every else is either dead or Lilith-lucinating, they are stuck with the PR damage control.

Luna-as-Steve is live on TV when she vomits up blood, shifts back into her self and spills: “vampires are keeping humans prisoner in an underground bunker somewhere in New Orleans. They are feeding on them, they are killing them-”. She gets all that out before Barb thinks to knock over the camera, so that’s probably not going to go super well. Barb vamps out, but before she can so anything Sam as a fly flies into her mouth and gets swallowed and then shifts back into his self from inside of her. I knew it was coming and it was still super gross. Gross CGI Moment #2.

Oh, and while all this vampire shit is going down, Lafayette, Jane Boathouse, Holly and Arlene are at Merlotte’s, where Andy brought his pregnant fairy girlfriend who ended up birthing 4 part-fae daughters on the pool table and then leaving them to be raised by Andy. Basically it means we get some amazing commentary/reaction gifs. This should happen every episode, imo.

And since there’s no better place to put this: Alcide and his daddy got a visit from Emma’s grandmama Martha and the lady he had practice fighting sex with, Rikki. She’s overdosing on V, but apparently if you ingest silver you can sweat it out and not die. Apparently it’s all Alcide’s fault for not taking over the pack, oh and also the evil JD not only is force-feeding V to the pack, but he’s also molesting the younger girls.

That’s the cue: Alcide’s daddy happens to have some high-quality V he’s had stashed to keep from being murdered, so Alcide takes some. With the field leveled, Alcide handily dispatches with JD (with Daddy Herveaux and Martha providing back-up, the latter with a GIANT bow and arrow) and then speechifies about how wolves and respect for self, pack, nature. “Tonight, we choose pack.” It’s poignant if you remember back to Alcide’s flashback in episode 9 where his daddy taught the young wolves about choosing pack; on this show, with so much other shit going on, it’s lost. It’s too bad. Maybe they should head on over to Teen Wolf; Derek’s going to need all the help he can get next season.

Jess and Pam discuss religious fanaticism in their cells, their own personal experience with it and seeing it throughout history.

Jess: “They’re worse than my uncle who started his own church.  He told my cousins there was no Santa Claus when they were little just so that Jesus wouldn’t have any competition… It’s like they’re in a cult, you know, their eyes get all crazy and you know how crazy feeds crazy? Well they want to conquer the world and they’re just crazy enough to do it, and it doesn’t matter how many people get hurt, or killed.”

Pam: “One of the worst things about being immortal is having to watch this same stupid scenario happen over and over. It’s usually the humans though. Guess this proves we’re just as fucking retarded as they are.”

After picking up vampire-killing supplies at that vampire-killing store, Sookie and Jason have a sad and weird conversation about life, if anyone can really know anybody else and their tendency to get involved with people who are unavailable in some basic way. Jason and his fucked up head-parents seem to be convinced that there’s nothing in life to look forward to no more.

And the way Jason deals with this sense of ennui? Shooting things.

Sookie’s relentless in her optimism, so she rejects that bullshit, but before she has a chance to determine that the bump on his head is making him lose it-

They pull the ole “what cargo? This cargo? In the back? Oh, they’re just our prisoners. NBD.” Bill clears them to be let in, and then sees Sookie via the security camera feed. Dilemma!

Salome’s changed into her best purple prom dress/pageant-wear to drink the Lilith Blood, but just before she does, the siege starts and the alarm go off. And that siege, by the way, is AWESOME, just like I predicted.

Eric and Nora head for the Control Room, but not before participating in some truly horrendous wire-work effects that I’m calling out as Gross CGI Moment #3. Tara and Sookie are on the team to retrieve Jess and Pam from their cells, which they do once Nora disables the locks, and Pam and Tara kiss, because I got Russell gone and I guess I can’t have everything. Maybe they’ll end  up platonic like Eric and Pam ended up? Jess’ reaction was great, though.

Salome’s reaction to the Authority compound being totally compromised? Changing her outfit, again, and getting all ritualistic about her Lilith-blood drinking with Bill. He tries to stall or dissuade her (his motives for this aren’t really clear), but she’s bottoms up.

Everyone else re-coups in the lobby. Jessica runs up to hug Jason , saying, “I’ve been an idiot and I love you-” but of course Jason’s now “I can’t ever love a vampire. Sorry, I can’t do it.”

Bitch, you think you so fancy? Puh-leaze.

Everyone besides Eric and Sookie go up to the surface to make it safe, while they go try to save Bill, who is… being not particularly worth saving. Salome’s crawling on the floor, coughing up blood, while Bill delivers his Evil Villain Monologue:

“Of course it was a competition, but a weak spot for you, Salome, and it always has been, is that you’re not very good at predicting an adversary’s behavior. Possibly because of your monumental narcissism. You were so impatient for the rapture that you didn’t even smell the silver in the blood, and I put in a lot. But I knew that you would never smell it, because you were too impatient in your lust for greatness.”

Salome can’t believe he “defiled the mother’s blood with silver”, but nope, he swapped out the “holy grail” blood. She thinks Lilith chose wisely, and Gross CGI Moment #4, she gets staked. Bill, you win! You managed to outwit, outplay and outlast a bunch of other crazy people! Congrats.

But wait! Before you take that shot of Lilith blood, here’s your boyfriend and girlfriend! Eric tries logic, all “she’s a mad god! She’s nothing but destruction! She appeared to kill my already-dead maker!” No go. Sookie: “Bill, this isn’t you.” Bill:

“For all you know everything I did while with you was an act calculated to elicit a particular response. I was such a great actor I totally fooled everyone into thinking I am totally lame!”

Sookie cites his lameness capacity for sympathy, kindness and generosity, claiming him unique among all vampires she’s known, but it’s not enough to overcome the nearly two centuries-worth of self-loathing and fear of being forsaken and damned. There’s nothing more powerful than someone or something that tells you that you are unconditionally perfect to them, and humans are prone to conditions. God, or gods, however, not so much.

Bills spouts off danger zone words like “abomination” and quotes the vampire bible, claiming that “Lilith grants us freedom from fear”. See, there is interesting commentary here, because the Bible Bible also talks about freedom from fear, but not through power or dominion over others:

“There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life – fear of death, fear of judgment – is one not yet fully formed in love. We, though, are going to love – love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love.” (Sorry, y’all. If the show’s gonna bring it up, I’m gonna mention it.)

Bill: “I told you the night we met: vampires often turn on those they love the most.”

Lilith-blood is downed and as Bill dissolves into a puddle of bloody goo, he doesn’t cry out to Lilith, but instead screams, “Oh God! God!” (Gross CGI Moment #5).

But the sacrifice is rarely ever the end of the story. The title of our next chapter (and Gross CGI Moment #6):

“Incarnation.”

Otherwise known as:

Quotes and Other stuff:

• “The worst part of being a parent: no matter how hard you try, you can’t keep your kids from eventually learning what a shithole this world is, how corrupt, mean, arbitrary. You just want to shield them from it, let ‘em believe life is safe and fair, bad gets punished, good gets rewarded. Because if they can believe that, you almost can too. But when you yourself end up being the one to teach them how fucked up things are, that’s a hell of a thing to ever come back from.”

• Irony: the actor who plays Daddy Stackhouse, Jeffery Nicholas Brown, played a vampire in a Season 6 episode of Buffy. He’s also part of the Blue Man Group! How trippy is that?
• I hate how wibbly-wobbly time is on this show. It makes Holly’s reaction to Andy’s fairy girlfriend confusing.
• “Abjure this!”

Alright, that’s enough, I gotta go get my gif on and finish this week’s round-up. Which was the grossest CGI moment for you? How much do you want to know the recipe for Cajun margaritas? Is there a true death you’re most happy about? Who would win in a wolfpack Alpha fight: Derek Hale or Alcide? Who would win in a growling match? A hotness match? I’m so glad we have the whole hiatus to discuss these important issues. I’ll leave you with this gem:

I love the internet. There’s alreadya fuckyeahbillith tumblr