Alright, let’s get this introduction over quick because there is a Suits finale to talk about. Hi, I’m Bethany, I write for OCTV, I am NOT Stephanie even though we know each other from college and have similar-sounding names, and I am here recapping this because Stephanie is on blissful, blissful vacation.

MOVING FORWARD.

It’s the Suits summer finale! The big managing partner showdown extravaganza! The fallout from mostly unexpected, totally heartwrenching passing of Grammy Ross, may that woman rest in all kinds of peace! Who will win? What will happen to that freaking fantastic apartment? How is Mike? AHHHHH.

Shit Show at Pearson-Hardman

The episode opens with the board meeting, and we learn very quickly—from a purple-clad Jessica—that Hardman wins the managing partner position. I am not at all surprised by this. Jessica stays classy and congratulates him and holds herself together in a way that I do not understand. When I don’t get my way I become a raging bitch monster from the depths of hell. Or I cry. Or both. (I’m really, honest to God, not spoiled. I work in publishing, there’s no way I *can* be spoiled. But I like to win.) So I am super impressed with Ms. Pearson.

Hardman immediately tells Harvey that they need to find a way to work together since Harvey is a heavy-hitter at the firm. Harvey is not surprised by this, because, he’s you know, HARVEY, and Hardman promises that the Pearson part of Pearson-Hardman isn’t going anywhere.

But Harvey is not having any of Hardman’s bullshit. He goes to Jessica with a big time contingency plan that Donna probably titled THE ESCAPE, or WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN, right next to that file she kept on shady D.A. Michael Brady for when it was needed. Anyway, Harvey thinks Jessica should break from Hardman and says that he knows at least twelve (12) partners that would leave with her. She counters, saying there’s a non-compete that can’t be broken and would keep any of them from practicing in New York for a solid year. Harvey informs her that contracts were made to be broken, but Jessica assures him that contracts written by her were not. Then they have a fun little convo about the FUN THINGS they could do for a year, like travel or teach or write books! Jessica hates frivolous things, like traveling and teaching and writing books, so they need another plan.

Meanwhile, Louis and Hardman are plotting ways to make Harvey feel like he’s been demoted without demoting him. They have unannounced movers pack his shit up and move him to the 46th floor, and put that fuddy-duddy bankruptcy partner in Harvey’s old office. Upon learning this news Donna says, “Bow ties have no place here.” To which I immediately responded BUT WHAT IF THE DOCTOR SHOWS UP?! Yep. Just do yourself a favor and think about the shit storm of a cross-over episode of Doctor Who and Suits would be.

Anyway, Harvey hates everything about all of this and so he tells Hardman that he’s coming for him. It’s sexy when he threatens people.

Then, Louis tells Mike that he’s not allowed to prioritize Harvey’s cases anymore, gives him a giant stack of more cases, and sort of glowers at him in that weasely way he has. AND ON TOP OF THAT, Louis gives Harvey a very numbers-oriented retirement case and makes sure that none of the first year associates are available to help Harvey. So, you know, Harvey is pissed. And Donna is pissed. They are united in their pissed-offness.

So Harvey goes to Mike and asks for help and Mike is not having it and ends up screaming at Harvey about how they lost and then compares Harvey to The Wizard of Oz (dick move, bro.). Harvey makes Mike leave for the day.

And then we get:

Mike Ross, in Mourning: OR What Happens when Mike Ross Smokes Weed

Mike is at work the day after Grammy Ross’s death because he is basically Harvey. Rachel is all, “Why are you here?” and it’s because Mike didn’t tell Harvey that he lost his dear, sweet Grammy. Rachel wants Mike to tell someone so he can go home and grieve properly. But Mike feels guilty for not seeing her for two months before her death and therefore doesn’t think he has the right to grieve properly. So instead, he approaches the drug dealer by the coffee cart for weed, swears he isn’t a cop, hands over $100, and gets his weed.

After being kicked out of the office, Mike goes home and smokes out. (Is that what getting high is called? Is that a thing? I am so not cool.) Rachel shows up the next morning with coffee and is obviously aware that Mike had gotten high. She finds the bag of weed and is all like, “Seriously?” and Mike makes a big show of “flushing” it when we all know he isn’t flushing it. Then they go to Grammy Ross’s wake.

At the wake, some bitch named Tess is there. She has good hair. I need someone to professionally do my hair all the time so people will say I have good hair. Anyway, turns out that Tess was Mike’s first everything, but we actually don’t learn that until AFTER she and Rachel convince Mike to say something about Grammy Ross to the people at her wake. Naturally, he talks about peeing the bed and her making fun of him for it. (Okay, she didn’t make fun of him. But she kind of did.) So, blah blah blah, Rachel has to go back to the office, Tess and Mike go to clean out Grammy Ross’s stuff out of her room (SOB.) and Mike and Tess kiss and then Tess is all, “I’m married,” and Mike is all, “GTFO.” Yay Mike!

Meanwhile, Back at the Shit Show that is Pearson-Hardman . . . 

Harvey is concerned about Mike since he’s absent. Donna says he could call him, but Harvey doesn’t have time for phone calls. Harvey asks Donna to get him another associate, but no one is availalbe to him because Louis is going to force him to do the work on the case.

In the continuation of Louis being a trolling asshat, he tries to make Harvey look stupid re: the Retirement Case and is impressed that Harvey actually knows how to do something. Then he invites Harvey to be his second chair at some meeting and tells him how he likes his coffee. I think this was the point Harvey threw something at the wall and stalked out of the office, but I watched this episode at 6AM because my Mom called me last night RIGHT at 10:00 and my DVR was recording it until it STOPPED because one of my roommate recorded something at 10:30 that conflicted with my recording of Suits and Awkward. and Suits stopped recording. So, forgive me if the details are a little fuzzy.

Anyway, at some point Louis asks Donna to come work for him. Then Donna tells Louis that no one is his team and that he betrayed everyone and that everyone hates him. Forever.

And then we move to a phase of the episode I’m going to call:

MIKE AND HARVEY GET HIGH

Seriously.

Harvey shows up at Mike’s place and Mike tells Harvey that his Grammy died and Harvey knows because he is Harvey and then they get high together.

And it is glorious.

I mean, I obviously am not a person who gets high, like, ever, but this is a situation in which I feel like I can condone it. So, shenanigans go down and while Harvey searches for a hanger Mike talks about the kind of dad Harvey might someday be, and then Harvey tells Mike about his saxophone-player of a dad and his cheating bitch of a mom, and they bond further. Deeper. In a long-lasting, to the bone kind of way.

And then they decide they should go take a piss in Hardman’s office. Like, a literal piss, not a British version.

 

So, they head to the office and are adorable. But Harvey wants to make a plan. He wants . . . THE CAN OPENER.

M: “Are you serious? You’re not messing with me right now?”

H: “Do I look serious?”

M: “You look stoned.”

H: “I am, but I never joke about the can opener.”

And then we find out that Louis is in the office still. In fact, he’s trying to break into Harvey’s computer and is guessing his password. One of his guesses is Shaqueal O’Bryant. I am not a girl who enjoys basketball, and in fact, tries to ignore the entire sport altogether, but I know that THAT person does not exist in the basketball universe. (Maybe he/she does in the actual universe.)

So, anyway, after the can opener is retrieved, Harvey and Mike find Louis lurking around in Harvey’s office, and Harvey tries to hit Louis, but Mike stops him by physically restraining him and saying, “You hit him, they win.” We never know what the can opener is used for.

So Louis leaves and they know he was either looking for something or hiding something, like, you know, drugs. Then Mike get the brilliant idea that they should buy drugs and plant them in Louis’s office. Then Harvey realizes that Hardman would plant something to get rid of Harvey and in that critical moment they decide that Hardman planted the car defect document that got Donna fired and that Tanner was working with Hardman on it.

The next day, they tell Jessica their theory and ask her to call a partner meeting. Jessica says to get them proof.

So then we get:

ANGRY BOXING WITH HARVEY & TANNER.

They box. And box. And box. Harvey likes head shots. They box some more.  And then they stop boxing and Tanner tells Harvey he can ask him one question, so Harvey asks why Tanner settled, and Tanner tells Harvey in not so clear terms that the memo was a fraud.

 THE FINAL ACT

Now that our little legal hound dogs are on a trail, there’s no stopping them. Harvey knows they need more proof, and down in the archives Mike finds something. Conveniently, Rachel is also though and he kisses her. And then kisses her more. Rachel stops him because she doesn’t want to be his dumb choice. And also because she’s dumb.

Because this episode doesn’t already have enough going on in it, Louis goes to Hardman and tells him to get Harvey to get drug tested. Harvey refuses the test and quotes the bylaws, which state  that there needs to be a quorum and then a formal hearing for a drug test if he refuses it. They get their quorum.

Harvey tells Jessica this new information about Tanner and that he would fail a drug test. She basically tells him he’s stupid, but she doesn’t judge him because apparently they got high IN THE OFFICE during a celebratory moment.

Meanwhile, Mike is leaning on a Porsche in a parking garage and speaks legalese to the Balding CEO Dude of the defective car company. He had something to do with Hardman and Sara, and Mike asks him to sign an affidvit. Balding CEO Dude refuses.

So at the board meeting that decides Harvey’s fate, Harvey admits that he was high to EVERYONE and then confronts Hardman about the fake memo. Jessica tells Harvey IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that if he goes, she goes. Hardman starts yelling about slander and a lack of evidence.

And then Mike barges in to the partner’s meeting with the “signed” affidavit from Lawrence Kim, whom I guess is the Balding CEO Dude. No one checks that it’s actually signed, which boggles my mind. But I guess lawyers do often deal in murky waters, so whatever.

There’s a vote for Harvey’s dismissal, and basically no one is in favor for it. Then Jessica talks about how fraudulently suing your own firm is also grounds for termination and calls for a vote on Hardman’s dismissal. MERE HOURS after he was chosen as managing partner, he is dismissed. HAHA!

But that’s not all folks! Mike is in need of some scandalous celebration, so instead of getting high—because that obviously isn’t scandalous—he calls Married Tess over so she can be his mistake. After their sex times, there’s a knock at the door and they think it’s pizza, though we all know it’s Rachel and that she has no pizza. And we’re right. And then Tess walks through the background wearing a freaking sheet. Oh well. BRING BACK LOLA.

As Hardman leaves the firm, he tells Jessica to watch out for Harvey.

AND THAT IS THE SECOND SEASON OF SUITS. IT COMES BACK IN JANUARY.

 

Quotes

Harvey: “Why don’t you take the year off?”

Jessica: “How would that go?

H: “You could teach.”

J: “I could also kill myself.”

H: “You could write a book.”

J: “Next.”

Donna: “I”m sorry I don’t have a photographic memory, but my brain is too busy being awesome.”

 

Tess: “I don’t know about you two, but I think we should go get drunk.” to Mike and Rachel at the wake.

Donna: “I don’t like the moving. But the one thing I love about it is being further away from your smug face.” to Louis.

 

Louis: “What would my password be if I were a narcissist with great hair?”

 Alright, that is officially all from me. Please do tell me all of your thoughts and feelings and theories and whatever else you want to share in comments. Especially if it’s about Mike’s cat-like reflexes catching that business card. DO IT.

BONUS GIF: