We’re almost there guys – the finish line is around the corner for the summer 2012 season of PLL. In one week we’ll know EVERYTHING*. For a second-last episode, which usually functions just to set up the finale, there was actually a lot going on this week. Of course, one particular person is being framed as the Evil Lord of Evil, so we all know what that means – this person is totally innocent. Oh, and let’s not forget the baby mama drama. Something about this is skeeving me out and I can’t put my finger on it – I need input from you guys before I decide how I feel. Okay, let’s break it all down.

*Everything = one or two very small minor things

Apparently Hanna owns neither pants, nor skirts that end lower than mid-thigh (other than a hideous, pom-pom bedecked nightmare from her junior high theater department), because she can’t find one single decent item of clothing that will cover the GIGANTIC wraparound gauze bandage that Wren lovingly applied last week. You live in Pennsylvania Hanna – don’t tell me that you don’t own any clothing that covers your legs.

Speaking of the Marin ladies, they LOVE trashing gadgets using kitchen appliances. This time it was Ashley getting rid of a flash drive in the garbage disposal. Hey – at least they’re consistent. The drive came courtesy of Pastor Ted, Ashley’s suddenly steady boyfriend apparently. He claims he found it under a pew in the church and wanted to go to the police, since it featured covertly obtained footage of Hanna and the rest of her underage friends. Ashley was all ready to drive it over to Wilden herself (he would have no doubt made it his new favorite spank bank material), until she saw video of her and Wilden doing something inappropriate, hence the garbage disposal. Hanna, grateful to get her wish even though it was totally Ashley acting in self-preservation mode, claimed that she destroyed it when the Pastor asked about it later. He looked suspicious. File that away for later.

Okay, I don’t feel dumb for assuming that Maggie, Ezra’s teenage girlfriend (from when he was an actual teenager, just to clarify), had been paid off to have an abortion, because it seems like the Fitzgerald brothers and Aria had the same idea. Only, it appears that Maggie didn’t share their vision, because she now has what she claims to be a seven year old son named Malcolm and also holy shit it’s Bianca Stratford from the seminal classic 10 Things I Hate About You!

So, I have a godson who is four and he looks older than the kid she’s claiming is in first grade. I don’t know whether the casting department is just dumb, or if we’re supposed to be reading into this discrepancy. For now, I’m going with dumb casting. We know what her kid looks like because Aria posed as a wannabe teacher who came to Maggie’s school to meet with her, and luckily Maggie’s school has very lax rules about letting a parent teach their own child, which never would have flown at my school. I know that first grade isn’t exactly competitive, but it just doesn’t seem right.

So obviously everyone (Aria and Wes = everyone) was scandalized that the lovechild exists and lives within driving distance. But because it was Ezra’s 41st birthday, Aria didn’t want to bring it up so she didn’t say anything. But then, Ezra said it for her. He said that he looked Maggie up because he was ‘feeling guilty’ about her and wanted to see that she was doing okay. He phoned her, they talked, she confirmed her okay-ness and all’s good. Except, she didn’t tell him about Malcolm. Or did she? Did he even talk to her? This whole thing seemed odd to me – I know that she told Aria about Malcolm because why would she suspect that Aria was connected to Ezra? But I don’t know…Ezra’s slippery. Something tells me that he KNOWS they know, and now he wants to see what they do with the information, like it’s a test or something. I’m wondering if he’s known about Malcolm all along but needs to fake this now that Aria is getting all up in his shit. Or maybe Ezra and Maggie are in cahoots somehow! I don’t know. Probably just my Evil!Ezra radar working overtime.

They were really playing up Ezra’s advanced age in this episode – his musical tastes alone seemed to indicate that he’s actually around 56 instead of 25ish. (Supertramp, really? On vinyl no less. What, they couldn’t find a prop 8-track to really nail the point home?) Also, how hilarious is it that Ezra has no friends? It was the dude’s birthday and god, what a pathetic affair. I think it’s a lock for the world’s second saddest birthday party, because we all know who holds first place – this might be one of my favorite photos ever:

Kirk Cameron and two hostages get ready to ‘Eat Fresh’.

Nate continues to exhibit stalker-like behavior while wearing stupid shirts, and now he’s adding grabby hands into the mix. Emily was not impressed.

So, is anyone at all NOT pegging Nate as a psycho? He clearly is. He’s got the crazy eyes, and also doesn’t seem to understand what ‘gay’ means. Even after Hanna spelled it out for him that Emily definitely does not like him like him (because, you know, GAY), he doesn’t care. He also paused to freak out about Jenna pretending to be blind and then yelled ‘Don’t pretend you don’t see me girl. I KNOW you saw me!’ at Jenna when she walked by. He’s unpredictable – a loose cannon. He’s one season finale away from raping it up all over Rosewood. Be careful Emily – you in danger, gurl.

Spencer, who has been fooled by the arrows pointing at Paige, spent the episode trying to tell her friends that she suspected that Emily’s current girlfriend may have killed Emily’s previous girlfriend, only to be rebuffed by every single one of them who were each too wrapped up in their own relationships to care. Plus, Emily was pissed. Understandably. What did Spence get for her troubles? She got locked in a change room with a vicious, biting, horrible snake. I could barely look at the screen when this was happening. I love animals, but snakes make it difficult with their slithering, and their lunging, and their swallowing other animals whole. Do not like. Was it CeCe? I don’t think it was. Too obvious and easy.

We got more flashbacks tonight, detailing Alison’s (and Cece’s) history with Pigskin, aka Paige (question: how exactly was Ali so knowledgeable about the texture of Paige’s thighs? I have to assume that this whole thing was a teenage lust gone wrong situation). In true Heathers fashion, Ali was aware of Paige’s crush on Emily and used it to pull a Martha Dumptruck on her by writing a note to Paige from Em (that likely provided her with shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks). Then she got Paige to write back, and used the letter as leverage for future blackmail. Heather Chandler would be proud. Cece was proud, but I’m confused – can Cece be the Heather Chandler of Rosewood without a red scrunchie? Because I’m pretty sure that’s where all the power is derived from.

At the end, when Paige was over at Emily’s and Jenna showed up to warn Emily about ‘her friend’, they were so obviously trying to make it look like she was talking about Paige, but she never named her. She was definitely talking about Nate. And I wasn’t thrown by Paige declining Spencer’s call either – I would have done the same after being on the wrong end of Spencer’s bitch stick all day. I wasn’t even really thrown by the earring in Paige’s bag – shit gets planted on people all the time in this town. That would have been easy.

The Glovey(s) Shot: For the first time ever (I think), the final shot featured dueling Gloveys, with a pair of hands exchanging a key of some kind. This happened right after one of the two had selected a song on a jukebox (ancient musical format – check), which was ‘Smiling Faces Sometimes’ – a song recorded in 1971 (oldie musical tastes – check). This is significant for two reasons: first of all because one of the owners of the mysterious hands is obviously Elderly Ezra (please please please) and second because the other has got to be Nate. Maybe. I mean, look at the lyrics to this song, and pay special attention to the parts that I helpfully bolded for you:

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don’t tell the truth uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

The truth is in the eyes
Cause the eyes don’t lie, amen
Remember a smile is just
A frown turned upside down
My friend let me tell you
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don’t tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof
Beware, beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
I’m telling you beware
Beware of the pat on the back
It just might hold you back
Jealousy (jealousy)
Misery (misery)
Envy

I tell you, you can’t see behind smiling faces
Smiling faces sometimes they don’t tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don’t tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof
(Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes)
(Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes)
I’m telling you beware, beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
Listen to me now, beware
Beware of that pat on the back
It just might hold you back
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don’t tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

Your enemy won’t do you no harm
Cause you’ll know where he’s coming from
Don’t let the handshake and the smile fool ya
Take my advice I’m only try’ to school ya

Sorry to include the entire song, but the whole thing is pretty relevant. But those bolded parts – come on! Can it really be that much of a coincidence that Spencer was trapped in the change room with a snake and that they highlighted a scene of Nate putting his hand on Emily’s shoulder? I choose to believe not. Also, and perhaps less significant, the song specifically describes the enemy as ‘he’. Case closed.

What did you think of the episode? Are you on side with my predictions? Did you get a janky feeling about this Ezra/Maggie business? What are your theories heading into the finale? The promos for the finale are below, so either watch or don’t, but definitely hit me up in the comments and let me know what you’re thinking!

American promo:

Canadian promo: (I gotta say, and it’s not just my patriotism talking, but the Canadian promos are consistently way better than the American ones in terms of style and content. Way to go fellow hosers!)