Hey, y’all! I’m filling in for Nicole this week, but since this was only the penultimate episode and it was mostly just set-up for next Sunday’s finale, it shouldn’t be too much of a loss. (Fair warning: this show is so good for gifs, and I have little self-control for gifs, so there are quite a few here).

There was a lot of moving around of characters like chess pieces, mostly getting a random assortment of anti-AVA people into the compound to take things on there, and getting Eric and Nora out, where they can use their knowledge and power to try to reset human-vampire relations and prevent another civil war. Actually, considering the team that is getting assembled against the AVA, I’m excited to see how things come together in next week’s finale.

Also, I think Lilith is actually a pterodactyl.

I knew it wasn’t just me that thought this.

Lilith (or whatever the thing is that everyone assumes is Lilith – remember in Season 2 when Sophie-Ann said this:

Plus there was Maryann and her god obsession, which worked out great for her, and Steve Newlin Version 1.0 and his version of god. Basically, the last 5 seasons of this show have been about how faith without reason is the most self-destructive thing you can have, and it’s a weakness that anyone is capable of, regardless of being human, vampire, fairy, maenad, shifter or wolf.

Whatever-shared bloody naked lady is trolling everyone on the Council by appearing, telling them she has chosen them as the leader and to drink all the vial blood. It starts with Bill, who first is sort of confused and freaked out, but then once he hears that she appeared to Oenomaus too, he decapitates him, and gets all “I’M THE CHOSEN ONE.” But at the end, she appears to Salome too, so I think Bill is fucked on that front.

Nora and Eric were lucky to have Godric intercept their Lilth-trolling appearance, and it was enough to get them to both snap out of their crazy. Nora especially is flipping out, so she and Eric have apology-reconciliation sex and start planning their escape.

She is so pretty, and I’m in love with the purple dress she was wearing.

Jessica still has not grasped just how crazypants Bill has gone, so she tries to use his phone to warn Jason about the Russel+Steve and how they are headed for the Stackhouse homestead. Bill’s sticking to his “humans are food, not friends” and he take away her phone privileges. That bitch. Jessica throws a transparent hail mary and appeals to his new fundamentalist ways, saying that she wants to turn Jason. Bill sees through the lie, and because he’s a spiteful bitch, makes her go anyway, sending two guards along to make sure it gets done.

We they actually get to Bon Temps, Jessica makes hilarious side-eye face after face to try to warn Jason about the guards, but it’s Jason so he is oblivious, so she has to bite him. Luckily, the AVA guards are dumb and don’t actually seem to notice that Jessica didn’t drink barely any of Jason’s blood, so as they are burying the two of them and talking about getting take-out, Jessica signals Jason and he shoots both of them to goo. Before he leaves, she does manage to warn him about Russel+Steve and about how Bill and Eric “have gone crazy on vampire religion” and are therefore not going to be around to save Sookie’s precious fairy ass. And then there’s this bit, which is even more sad when you remember about them and what went down last week with Hoyt:

He huffs off to warn Sookie, but I think that’s going to be enough to get Jason on Team Destroy the AVA. Jessica has to figure out where to go to hide from her Crazy Vampire Daddy, so she decides to go to Vampire Aunt Pam’s joint.

Vampire Aunty Pam is still not thrilled with Tara’s Sheriff-killing, and informs her about the Authority, the vampire “government and church combined”, “like the Vatican”. Tara + religion = never great, so she gets a really good line: “Well the Pope can fuck me and so can the Authority. They can both keep their laws off of my body.” Word. Pam’s not in a great mood when Jess shows up, asking for sanctuary, but her knowledge of Eric’s whereabout’s is leverage enough to get her protection.

Speaking of Eric: earlier, a US General came to visit the AVa to figure out what the hell is going on. He claims to have been the liaison between Roman and the US government and been in charge of mainstreaming, but he seems to have very little experience with how the AVA rolls. He doesn’t have any guards, or protection or anything when he meets the Council. They maintain that Roman is just indisposed, but once the General calls them on their Tru Blood factory bombing bullshit, Bill throws that to the wind and they declare the AVA a “sanguinist regime”. General has the footage of the Edgington/Newlin fraternity massacre, which will be released if anything happens to him, and which will undoubtedly throw gasoline onto the human side of a vampire vs. human war. He also talks about how the government has been developing anti-vampire weapons, which I do not doubt in the slightest. Just as he’s about to leave, Eric sees an opportunity to escape, and decides the best way to do that is by killing the General and him and Nora going on a “glamouring campaign” to try to “fix things”. There was also this:

Wait, I thoughtgod was a DJ?

Then this:

Bill gets his suspicious face on and makes sure Eric and Nora take security, but…

And then they fly off to go figure out how to take on the AVA. Great.

Jess tells Pam and Tara about the AVA craziness, which Pam recognizes as nest behavior, but on steroids.

Hey Pam, remember your last hairstyle and how atrocious it was? I would not be knocking anyone else’s hair styling skills.

Jess and Tara sit for a minute and have a little nice baby!vamp friend chat. Jess asks Tara he she like likes Pam, and Tara pretty weakly denies. Please can we not, show? Can’t we just have positive female mentor relationship on this show without making it about sex? Jess just wants a friend too, because she doesn’t really have any. Sad. “I don’t have anyone to talk to, and even if you freak out and go crazy now and again, I’m a vampire now, so I heal. And I like talking to you.” See? I’m so glad they dropped the Hoyt crap. Ovaries before brovaries!

AVa Councilwoman Cougar Town Barb shows up at Fangtasia, because apparently the Sheriff Tara killed was one of her progeny. She questions Tara, but earlier Pam Maker-ordered her not to speak about it, so Pam confesses and gets arrested and taken to the AVA headquarters. Solid plan for getting into the AVA compound. Jessica fails to understand how hiding works, so she came upstairs and Barb smelled her and took her back to Bill. Nice job.

Sam and Luna have been running around the AVA compound as mice all night, and when they finally manage to find Luna in her cage and shift back into humans, they get caught by some AVA guards who are coming to collect Bill’s “breakfast” from one of the cages full of naked humans. *shudder* For some reason, instead of shifting into either something small like a flea, or lethal, like a bull or a snake, they let themselves get taken prisoner, Luna getting locked up and Sam volunteering to go be Bill’s meal. As he gets transported, he crosses paths with Pam:

I don’t even remember how these two know each other, but this is great regardless.

Jessica tries to explain about how “Jason just wasn’t into being turned” but Bill’s cookoo for coco puffs. She points out that Bill staked Longshadow for Sookie (AKA the very reason Bill was forced by the Authority in the first place to turn Jessica against her will). So the exact same choice of Stackhouse > Vampire that Bill is angry at Jessica about is the same choice that led to Jessica even being there. IRONY! And then when Jessica badmouths Lilith and calls him on the Nest bullshit, he backhands her across the room and NOOOOPE. Stake the hell out of him Jess. This is now the only acceptable course for the show to take. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: Jessica already had one crazy, abusive, religious fundamentalist father, she is not going to abide another. Remember how wonderful Bill and Jess came to be, how wonderfully proud of her he was? Or when she came to ask him for advice and he was supportive and helpful and they were just so adorable? Watching those moments now makes me very sad and very angry and very much wanting Bill to die now.

Finally, in Fairy News: Sookie hung out in Da Fae Club and talked to the Elder about her ancestor and Warlow and the contract. They tried for kooky, but it mostly just turned out to be irritating, even though she was played by the otherwise fabulous Erica Gimpel. She gambols about like an ADHD kid asking about Sookies musical inclinations and is only able to focus long enough to say that she, Sookie and Warlow have inter-twined destinies, that a dark time is coming and that the faeries need to hold onto their light. Also this:

Once she hears Russell’s still alive, she supports Sookie’s plan to fight him, and they send Jason off to lure Russel/Steve to the fae field. However, once there, Elder says the plan has changed and says she’s got things covered on her own. She appears, easily dispatches Steve, but as she gets ready to banish Russell, she misfires and hits Jason instead, and then misses again, so Russell speeds around and drains her until she dissolves into a pile of sparkles. What the fuck. I am so tired of Russell; he is bordering on Maryann levels of irritating. Please tell me we will finally be rid of him next Sunday. And apparently now that he’s drank fae blood he can see the portal into the club, where Sookie and the Claude Clan are just standing, looking shocked.

(Mirella briefly peaced out to go try to get Andy to protect her and their baby, which was awkward for him because they only did it and glow-finger pact-ed a week ago in show time, and because Andy made nice with Holly’s two red-neck sons. Apparently if he ignores the “light pact” it will bring dishonor on her, dishonor on her family, on her clan and on her cow, etc, and is an act of war. Sure, whatever).

There was one more plot that I didn’t mention, but it’s mostly best left to gifs. Alcide hung out with his Dad, who apparently got kicked out of his pack for stealing from them, and then they saved their neighbors from some rabid baby vamps. This was the only point of that:

That feels like the best possible place to end things. Sorry for the gif overload; this show really seems to call for it, more than others. I hope I did okay covering, and Nicole should be back next week for the finale. Here’s the promo:

Any predictions? Hopes? Dreams? I’ll be spending my time waiting to hear your thoughts by watching those Alcide gifs, so I’m good.