Beautiful. Too bad something AWFUL is about to happen. Eventually…

This week we’re getting a twofer, folks! So first, let’s talk about last week’s weird shitstorm of an episode.

I mean that in the best possible way, of course. Last week saw the reappearance of Dwight Yoakam’s character Bruce. Remember, he was in the episode last season where… some weird stuff happened. Honestly, I don’t remember much of that episode because it was my least favorite of the whole season. Last week’s episode, though, was a little easier for me to pay attention to. Possibly mostly because it may be the end of Creepy Chick, a.k.a. Amanda, Ryan’s scientist girlfriend. God, I hated her, and I really don’t know why.

Anyway, so, Creepy Chick and Ryan are playing a game called “What’s Your Second Biggest Secret,” and Ryan reveals that he loves her. For some reason, this leads him to ask her to move in with him. Ryan seems to think he has his shit together, which is just adorable. Wilfred, on the other hand – like me – thinks that he really, really doesn’t. Ryan can keep his secrets hidden for a while, but eventually he’s going to have to let Creepy Chick in on them.

As if that wasn’t enough, Wilfred spends the entire episode sure that something horrible is going to happen. He even spends the beginning of the episode spouting crazy talk about the impending apocalypse (which includes children eating other children?). God, I would love to see Wilfred’s episode of Doomsday Preppers. Anyway, it seems that Wilfred’s premonitions are coming true, because there’s an earthquake that topples a bookshelf on top of Ryan, pinning him there in the basement.

Luckily for him, though, Bruce has come to the rescue. AND he’s got with him a briefcase that has some dirty on Creepy Chick’s past. Ryan has to know all about her before he commits to living with her, ya know? And thus proceeds a very strange, very surreal montage of Ryan and Bruce playing nonsensical games with “French rules,” whatever those are. If Ryan wins, he gets the briefcase. I was really hoping that one of the games would be Jumanji, but no such luck. The games instead include things like “Why the hell is he wearing that mask?” and “Eat licorice of Bruce’s head” it seems. They make it all the way down to the last round where Ryan has to answer a riddle, which he gets wrong.

Wilfred lobbies Bruce to allow a sudden death round of Truth or Dare. He wants Ryan to choose Truth, because it’ll set him free, or whatever, but Ryan picks Dare. The dare is to call his father… which he doesn’t do. So, instead, he chooses Truth, and that’s it? That’s all it took for him to win the game? To fucking say “truth”? I really don’t understand. At all, but whatever.

He gets the briefcase and in it is a clock showing the amount of time he’s been in the basement playing pointless games with his neighbor’s dog, and Bruce. Turns out, it’s 12 hours. THAT’s who Ryan is. A crazy, apparently. So he breaks up with Creepy Chick (yay!) and she takes it really hard.

The episode ends with Ryan and Wilfred chillin’ on a beach at dusk, and I am insanely jealous. Wilfred explains that Ryan lied to Creepy Chick because he loved her, and that’s exactly why Wilfred lied to him. Wow. That is a revelation. Too bad that’s not the disaster that Wilfred predicted. Nope, not at all. Cue the creepy music. Shit, man. THAT is how you leave a cliffhanger. But what is it? What is the disaster? Are they even going to address this again?!

Random Notes/Favorite Quotes

• “A second biggest secret is like ‘I’m afraid of spiders,’ or ‘I accidentally beat off to a tranny.’”
• “Are you high? Because you need to be.”
• “I’ll just go upstairs and tell the first guy I see that Timmy fell down the well.”
• “That’s the problem with this particular game. Even when you win, you lose.” Sometimes Wilfred is filled with insightful tidbits.

Man up, Ryan. “Even if it means staring into your own sister’s slop hole.”

Now for last night’s episode, which I actually liked a lot more. Last week’s episode was fun, but I don’t know. Maybe I just have a weird thing about Dwight Yoakam. Meh. I thought last night’s episode was a LOT funnier. This episode also had a character we last saw last season – Ryan’s Mom (Mary Steenburgen, who is amazing).

The way she comes back into the story is that Ryan’s boss Jeremy (Steven Weber) fucking, like, kills himself in the office after delivering a rather motivational speech after they found out their major competitor beat them in the face to develop a cancer drug. So now Ryan is out of work, and being all neglectful, like telling his sister he’d come to her ultrasound/check up and not doing it. Wilfred goes on about how he should do something good for someone else outside of himself, so Ryan feels a bit obligated when his mom texts him that she needs him.

You see, her cat died. And she wanted her children to be at the funeral. In case you forgot (as I did. Because I have a mind like a sieve), Ryan’s mom lives in a mental hospital. He sees how despondent his mother is, and suggests that she do something outside of herself for someone else – like helping Kristen who is so pregnant, she’s about to pop. After Wilfred hilariously Fat Alberts Ryan for stealing his line, they decide that Mom will help Kristen. There’s just one problem though – the doctor doesn’t think that she should leave the hospital. In fact, he thinks she’d benefit from more managed care.

So of course, because Ryan is appointed the child who needs to tell her, he ends up getting manipulated by her and they run off on a road trip. But it doesn’t take long for Ryan to realize that she’s actually crazier than she lets on (she’s keeping the dead cat’s kitty litter in her purse. And it still has turds in it. “DIBS!”). As they continue on their trip, they get pulled over, and his mom promptly runs over the cop’s motorcycle and drives off. When he tries to get her to let him drive, she drives off without him. Which we of course knew was going to happen.

Kristen and Ryan eventually track her down to some old hippie’s house, where Kristen gives birth to her baby – and where Ryan has to grow up and help her delver it. He and his mom share a nice moment where he convinces her to go back to the mental hospital and get the help she needs. It was all very sweet and touching, actually. Interrupted only by Wilfred who, with a bloody mouth, told them he thinks someone may have eaten Kristen’s placenta. Nice. At the end of the episode, Ryan goes to visit her, and she likes it. And… Wilfred… is being unselfish, and is looking on all proud. And OMG, is that GROWTH we see on this show finally?! Way to go Wilfred!

Random Notes/Favorite Quotes

• “She’s all embarrassed to show her face now because you tapped it and scrapped it?”
• Is there anything funnier than Rob Riggle asking all nonchalantly, “You down with OPP?”
• “You remember when I mauled that black teenager’s face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his cheek? I did it because I hoped it’d help him become the next Seal.” Wow. Wow… WOW. That was just… that might be the most fucked up think I have ever heard Wilfred say. Of COURSE I LOL’d.
• “So, is the baby a mulatto?”
• “You know what I say to people who steal my lines? ‘Hey. Hey, HEY! It’s Fat Albert.”
• “You don’t think Mexico City has a Korea Town?”
• “YEAH! WIND!”
• “That tainted whore needs you!” I just love the phrase “tainted whore.” Especially when it’s in reference to Kristen.
• Wilfred referring to Kristen’s vagina as her “slop hole” was also nice.
• Is Ryan’s Mom painting a picture of Rhea Perlman?
• My absolute favorite, laugh-out-loud moments were whenever Wilfred ate something bloody. Jeremy’s brain, Mittens the dead kitten, and Kristen’s placenta. And GOD the way Wilfred is inhaling through blood-stained teeth. FUCKED. UP. I love it.

So what did you guys think of both episodes? Did you think one was more enjoyable than the other? Did I leave out any fun lines? Let me know what you think in the comments!