Sigh. Another episode that was definitely not all that the promo promised. Last week, we went in expecting an epic party at Noel Khan’s place and instead we got one game of truth or dare and a lot of college application talk. This week the promo showed Emily and Hanna trapped somewhere by someone unknown and okay, that happened, but then he/she just kind of walked away, leaving them to bash in the windows and go home no probs. This killer or whatever he/she is has a LOT of time on their hands, right? They can fly to Montecito willy nilly, they can follow people to cabins, lock them up and write scary notes on the wall for no real reason, and they have time to kick back with a game show after a long day of being a perma-gloved asshole. Always with the fucking gloves; we GET it – you’re stealthy. But that must get really uncomfortable after a while – I think I’d be at the point where I’d honestly rather burn my fingerprints off than put those things on again.

FYI, in case you’d like to contact him to tell him how dreamy he is or to arrest him for statutory rape, Ezra’s email address is efitz@ptmails.com. Yes, ptmails, which I assume stands for Pedo Teacher Mails (I do not understand the plural on mails though – that will forever remain a mystery along with 80% of the happenings on this show). Aria still has her La Perla panties all in a twist over the former pregnant girlfriend and her right to know everything as the self-appointed True Love of Ezra’s Life. She bought some passive-aggressive bagels and made some passive-aggressive coffee and then demanded to know how much money Preggo was paid to go away. Sounds like someone might be reconsidering her boyfriend’s mother’s offer now that he’s being sullen, wearing boxers around the house and scoffing at her jalapeño bagels.

R u for real, bitchbag?

Ezra was not in the mood to take her smug teen judginess over the possible baby-mama in his past, since Aria didn’t tell HIM that, you know, she had people trying to kill her in the present. Good point. But Aria would not accept that because you see, those two situations were DIFFERENT. This is when Ezra made this face of offended incredulousness. And he was right, because even serial killers have a right to privacy. About their non-serial killer related issues anyway. Not about where the bodies are stashed, obviously. I live for moments when Ezra is anything less than the World’s Best Boyfriend to Aria because it shocks her every time, and I enjoy pissed off Ian Harding so much more than puppy love saccharine sweet Ian Harding, and I bet he does too.

Nate is still around, ruining everything. There’s no point in pretending – we all hate him, even if he IS telling the truth (no way in hell) because he has no charisma whatsoever and he wears horrible clothes. He takes the most casual items of apparel (wifebeaters, hoodies) and insists on wearing the douchiest, most luxurious versions of each of them and it kind of makes me want to punch him out. Also because his lame ‘cousin’ story is so clearly transparent and yet none of the girls have picked up on this, especially Emily who should be smarter than that by now – what will it take for these girls to realize that new people are almost always bad news? At least Nate finally let his violent stalker flag fly, with Jenna of all people (not Emily, because then she wouldn’t let him get close enough to try to rape and kill her in the summer finale – just a prediction. Even though he’s not one of the people in ABC Family’s Suspect Tracker, there can be more than one bad guy in the finale, right?). Yep, he got so angry at Jenna, with whom he HAS YET TO GO ON ONE SINGLE DATE, that he got all up in her face before realizing where he was. Here he is in a cashmere hoodie wishing there weren’t so many witnesses so that he could Chris Brown a bitch:

Nate also fucked shit up for Emily and Paige, who I know is being made to look like a crazy psycho, not that she needs a lot of help because remember this:

Yeah, that alone means that she’s forever deserving of a side eye, especially around large bodies of water. But they are hitting the Paige angle so hard right now that I just don’t believe it’ll turn out to be her. So Nate kissed Emily. Gross. Much grosser however was that she kissed him back before giving him the ‘it’s not you, it’s my lesbian girlfriend and the fact that I’m a lesbian’ speech. WHY did you kiss him Emily? 1. He’s a boy and 2. He’s GROSSSSSSSSS. So gross. Anyway, of course Paige was approaching the porch at just the right moment, wearing a big smile and carrying a bag of takeout Chinese. And then of course she threw the food in a trashcan and then kicked it over to show us all how angry she is so we’d better LOOK OUT because she’s probably A and now she’s PISSED. Well, I don’t buy it. I’d be pissed too. I might have kicked that trashcan across the street if I saw my girlfriend kissing Gross Nate on her porch. I might have even thrown the food all over Nate’s precious white cashmere hoodie (I really hated that shirt, can you tell?).

Now Paige is pissed but it looked like she was going to give Em the chance to explain and that Em might have been about to do just that when their coach interrupted because it was time to get in the pool and Lochte it up. (By ‘Lochte it up’ I mean swim; not that one or both of them might have some sort of mild stroke that causes incoherent speech patterns and permanent derp face, just fyi).

Emily and Hanna discovered a pic of Maya from her Maya Space site that showed her standing in front of Noel Khan’s cabin, so the two Liars who didn’t get to go there last week made up for lost time this week. Of course, doors started slamming shut, things were thrown, and they got locked in. Like every time these bitches go anywhere. They really need to travel in larger groups, and station people at different locations instead of always being in a huddle.

They found Maya’s duffel bag and a makeshift bed in a semi-hidden back room, so they figured that she had been staying there when she said she ran away to San Fran. They grabbed the bag, Hanna stabbed herself in the leg with a knife, and off they went. Until they got outside and saw the hand-painted note on the wall – I’m saving you for later. -A Okay then – well, thanks for taking the time to tell them that. That was definitely worth it. Seriously though – how AMAZING would it be if Ezra was behind all of this? Even the lameness of this ‘attack’ would seem so much better if we found out it was him.

Hanna’s superficial flesh wound quickly turned into a near life-threatening injury, preventing her from walking and requiring medical attention. But of course they couldn’t go to the hospital because WHY EXACTLY??? Couldn’t she have made something up? Oh, I see – they couldn’t go because the show had to ratchet up the sexual tension between Han and Wren. Okay then. I approve. She’s now lying about being back with Caleb, so she can’t just tell Wren that she has a boyfriend when he basically asks if he can get it wet right there in her parent-less kitchen. Instead she relies on the ol’ ‘friends don’t bang friend’s ex-bangbuddies’ excuse. Considering she thrust her tongue down his throat just two eps ago, she’s giving off considerably mixed messages.

Spencer was pretty BAMF and awesome all night, working alone and getting shit done. I loved her interactions with Noel and even though I normally find him repulsively creepy, he was kind of hilarious last night. I don’t really get the fact that he sent her the security footage from his cottage though – is this something that the cops HAVEN’T seen? Because it appears to exonerate Garrett, and he’s still on trial. If Noel hasn’t showed the cops, why would he show Spencer? And who grabbed Maya? *cough* Nate *cough*

Item of the Day: Aria’s yellow purse. I LOVE this bag. It looks supple though, and supple always means expensive. And okay, I admit that I just spent a solid fifteen minutes googling since writing the last sentence and found the bag! It’s by Rebecca Minkoff and it can be yours for the low, low price of $495.00. For someone with no job and a ‘poor’ boyfriend, Aria has some serious scratch.

Oh, this pic reminds me: Ella has become quite the town trollop since last week! Three men in two days! Cougar on the prowl! (Fuck I hate that expression). But seriously, I like her and Zach. He’s hot and adorable – the best combination. Even though I can’t shake the feeling that Aria is going to end up in a love triangle with her own mother after she bonded with Zach over their mutual love of The Clash. (Oh, I’m so sure that Aria loves The Clash. Have they ever even shown her listening to music? It must be a secret passion, like her photography.) I can’t wait for Ella, Zach, Aria and Ezra to go on a date so that mom and daughter can simultaneously realize that their boyfriends are the same age.

The Glovey Shot: A has OCD about hanging hoodies, and is a really huge fan of Wheel of Fortune. Or just really not a fan of press conferences featuring Spencer’s mother. Watching Wheel is another sign that this person is older than the Liars. Perhaps even geriatric. Next week’s exciting conclusion: A sits down with a tv dinner to watch an NCIS marathon and then goes to bed at 7:45?

Here’s the promo for next week, the penultimate ep of the summer season. Watch or don’t, but definitely hit the comments with your thoughts. You guys are what makes watching and recapping this show worth it – I’m counting on you and your hilarious insights to get me through the next two weeks!