We can dance, until we die. You and I, we’ll be young forever.

First, let me set the scene for this recap. Since we’re kicking off the final three episodes of the fifth season of True Blood (always the craziest, and therefore the best, episodes of any season), and since I have tomorrow (today) off, I’m watching this ep while getting drunk on champagne and strawberries. Or rather, sparking Chilean wine flavored with all-natural strawberry essence. So I’m feeling like a drunk version of Vivian on her first ‘date’ with Edward in Pretty Woman right now, only I’m wearing more clothing and I have significantly less dried semen in my hair.

I’m writing this as I watch, and therefore nothing I say has the benefit of the hindsight that comes with having seen the thing to its conclusion, until I come to the conclusion. Ready? Let’s do this.

Right off the bat, BOOM! Two people are dead. Both are people we know, and one is a person whom I know we’re all going to be mourning forever until she gets a job as a saucy tech expert on like, Suits or something – Vampire Mac is no more! Say it ain’t so! I wasn’t deluded enough to think she’d become a permanent cast member (like this show needs more of those), but couldn’t they stretch out the Mac/Eric alliance until episode twelve or thirteen as a favor to us? And the bastards on the Council (including BILL, who I now officially hate with the fire of a thousand vamp-broiling suns) even had the nerve to a) strip her down to her bra first and b) kill her with her own invention, the iStake. At least homegirl held her ground right up until she exploded all over everything.

Right before that happened, we found out that Mike the coroner was a vampire and then he tried to eat Sookie but she killed him with chopsticks. With all due respect to that dude, his death was officially overshadowed by that of a character whom we’ve only known for a few weeks. That’s just the way the fortune cookie crumbles, man – sorry.

There are yet more signs that Russell and Steve both kind of don’t really give a shit about the AVA and the Council and Lilith, and are just basically using the Authority for protection and a nice place to crash while they continue to flirt with each other like a couple of adorable coquettish southern ladies. First, Russell was clearly impressed with Vamp!Mac when she told them all to fuck themselves. Second, after the big execution, he basically told Salome the same when she tried to prevent him and his #1 crush from going out on a date because Steve needed to rest up for a big tv appearance the next day. I’m still holding out hope that the two of them will break off from the AVA and therefore won’t have to die in the finale. Bill can burn, for all I care. Boring is one thing, but a boring self-righteous fanatical dickhead is quite another (substitute worshiping Lilith with being a fanboy for Spielberg and he’d basically be Dawson Leery).

Aw, shit. It looks like Russell does have plans outside the AVA-mandated Lilith circle jerk. But his plans involve somehow using Sookie (I assume) to grant him and Steve the power to walk in the sun. As much as I’m behind any plan that both allows Russell and Steve to frolic in a sun-dappled meadow AND kills Sookeh dead, there is obviously no way that this will happen. And that means that I might have to bid a tearful goodbye to my favorite couple at some point in the near future. Until then, I hope that they get to slaughter as many cabins full of people, and slow dance to as many Katy Perry songs as possible.

Hoyt, Jason and Jessica. Oh, GAWD. I thought Jessica would use the opportunity to glamor a willing Hoyt to make him forget the betrayal and set things right between the three former friends, and also convince him to stick around instead of moving to Alaska in some kind of bid to become the Jeremy Gilbert of True Blood. Instead she did what he asked, and we all cried. We all probably cried the most when Jason said, ‘I love you Bubba’ and his voice cracked before walking away from his lifelong best friend. Right? That’s definitely when we were all crying the hardest I bet. And also when Hoyt happily asked for a waitress, because it meant that the glamoring had worked, and that Hoyt would probably be leaving the show too, along with Vamp!Mac and probably Steve and Russell and we all wondered if there would even be a reason left to watch this show anymore.

And that scene was followed by another fantastic scene, with Eric declaring his devotion to Lilith the oozing scab and then engaging in a low key but intense forgiveness negotiation with Russell. Given my confidence that Eric is just trying not to die so that he can continue his mission to escape the AVL secret lair and therefore lying his face off, and my impression of Russell’s less than total commitment to the AVL mission, I was fascinated by this scene. I felt like Eric knew what was up with Russell, and was kicking off a plan to join forces with him to take down the Council. He used their mutual desire for self-preservation to force Russell into publicly forgiving him for his past transgressions. Hopefully this will open the doors of communication so that they can partner up STAT – Russell and Eric might be just the thing to help put the bittersweet memories of Eric and Vamp Mac behind us.

Remember a paragraph earlier when I was talking about the moment where I cried the most while watching this episode? Well, scratch that. I thought that Jason’s voice cracking would be the worst of it, but then he went and pulled Hoyt over, and his best friend didn’t even recognize him. Jason looked like his beloved dog had suddenly gained the ability to speak after years of being together and used his first words to tell him that he had always hated his guts. It was so sad that I think it warrants an extended gif break, so please enjoy remembering all of the tears you shed last night:

Back to Russell – his proposal for synthesizing fairy blood in order to allow vamps to walk in the sun all the time is actually a highly sensible business plan and frankly I’m surprised that nobody else jumped on it. It makes perfect sense – if it could be done with human blood, why not this? Of course, the glittery elephant in the room that nobody mentioned but that they were all thinking about was SOOKEH. Eric definitely looked nervous, and Bill’s face said that this might be just the thing to distract him from Salome’s Reign of Terror at the AVL. I guess I understand, but frankly, I’m Team Russell on this one even though I know it’s a losing battle. He was so awesome in his final stand, telling the Council that he wouldn’t be ordered around by them (in his original accent no less!) and storming out in true dramatic fashion. But what about Steve? He left without his love! I don’t for a second think that Steve would choose his job as the AVL spokesman over Russell (um…would anyone?) but he’s still there and they have cages and liquid silver, so now I’m nervous for him too. NEWLINGTON FOREVER.

Jason had other moments of greatness, like finding the thing under Sookie’s bed that their grandmother had gone on about last week – it was a scroll written in fairy blood by a Stackhouse ancestor, promising the firstborn Stackhouse fairy to someone named Warlow. And it turns out that Sookie is the first fairy in the family since the contract was written. So Warlow wasn’t being a dick after all when he killed her parents to get to her band-aid – he was just collecting what was owed to him. Fine – take her. See if I care.

One thing I’d like us all to keep in mind for a future date: remember last season when Andy got unexpectedly laid by a fairy named Maurella in the middle of the woods when he was high on V? In case you don’t, here’s a reminder:

Well, that same chick showed up in Sookie’s story last night and she was very, very pregnant. So…that’s something I’m sure we’ll be coming back to at some point.

In other news, Sam and Luna turned into mice and sneaked into the AVL lair via Steve’s briefcase so that they can rescue Emma. I’m actually liking their whole thing at this point and am excited to see how two naked shifters will manage to escape the dungeon with a dog/child and not get caught. Or WILL they?

Also, Tara is AWESOME because after that new Sheriff mandated that the vamps of Bon Temps create 30 new vampires by the end of the year, Pam was ready to ditch Fangtasia, take her progeny and run. But Tara wasn’t having it. So she used Ginger as bait and killed the sheriff like a champ, telling Pam that they weren’t going to run from anyone. #FuckYeahVampTara! It says a lot about Pam that she was willing to pack up and leave rather than defend her territory. Being without Eric is really fucking her shit up – have you been paying attention to her hair lately (CRIMPING)? She clearly has way too much time on her hands but not enough sanity to judge what looks good. At this point Pam’s hair has become a physical manifestation of her inner cries for help:

Nope – not kidding. You look INSANE.

The best part of the episode besides all of the great things mentioned above was, honestly, the complete lack of lupine-related storytelling with the exception of little Emma. Wasn’t that nice? Couldn’t you get used to that? Not only does the werewolf story not matter at all, but it totally drags the rest of the show down. It’s pretty evident how much better the show flows with that whole arc (and the Ifrit) gone. We actually got to spend some quality time with people and stories that we care about (Hoyt/Jason/Jessica) and the main arcs had time to really develop and move into a new phase (Russell/The AVL/Sookeh). But I’m sure that they didn’t hire Robert Patrick to play Alcide’s dad for nothing, so we can’t get too comfortable.

As usual, here are some of my favorite quotes from the ep:

• We procreate because we want to, not because some dickhead dipped in afterbirth told us we had to.
• My casa’s your castle.
• Well honey, don’t get used to it because once this vampire situation is over, people are gonna be back. Or we’re gonna be dead. Either way you gets no more of this.
• If he’s like most of us, his phone’s full of pictures of his dog. (It’s funny cause it’s true!)
• Emma! You know that Daddy doesn’t like it when you’re human. Do you want Nigel to eat you? Do you??
• Are we seriously discussing education reform? Are we vampires or school marms?

Here’s the promo for next week, and it features more on that moment that I was freaking out about in the promo I included last week. I will continue to not to spoil anyone who chooses not to watch promos, but please know that I AM STILL FREAKING OUT. So check it out or don’t, and then hit the comments with all of your thoughts/predictions!