Guys, we can all finally breathe a sigh of relief – Patrick is dead and the ifrit business is closed for good. As much as I hated both the backstory for this curse and the actual incarnation of the smoke monster, I have to say that Todd Lowe and Carrie Preston did get some great moments out of this plot, and that final scene was one of them. And now, we can all move on and pretend that none of it ever happened, much like the meat orgies of season 2 (if only I could forget those).
Another big story that came to an end was the Supe shooters. It turned out that we were all wrong – the Dragon was not Mrs. Fortenberry as previously thought, but instead was Bud’s mistress Sweetie Des Artes, played by Boo’s mom from Bunheads, so that was fun. Between her and Todd Lowe, it seems that a crossover pattern is weirdly developing between these shows. Next up, I’d like to formally request that we see Kristen Bauer Van Straten (I love how soap opera her name is) show up in Paradise as a sunny housewife/PTA president, because…hilarious. I guess that Bud must have been the person who picked up Hoyt after he left Jessica to get help last week? Or it could have been Bud’s brother Darryl or his other brother Darryl (old-school reference from my childhood – please tell me someone gets it).
It’s such a relief when storylines finally start to converge on this show so that it doesn’t feel like we’re watching random clips from seven different movies all cut into an hour, which is what the first half of a TB season always tends to feel like. Last night we actually saw Sookie, Lafayette, Jason, Andy, Hoyt, Jessica, Sam and Luna all involved in taking down Bud and Sweetie and making Bon Temps safe for supes once more. Well, at least until the world runs out of True Blood and the humans start shooting vamps out of self-preservation. My favorite moment of the storyline is a three-way tie:
- ANYTHING involving Lafayette (he was in the show for about five minutes, but goddamn they were glorious)
- Jason’s contribution to the cops’ debate about the significance of the Obama masks: maybe it’s because they don’t wanna get recognized. Also, he thought the reference to ‘Dragon’ meant that there were actual dragons now. But in his defense…in Bon Temps is that really so far off? Fairies, people. FAIRIES.
- Sam taking on a barn full of crazies with guns, using only the distraction caused by his swinging dick and a few naked roundhouse kicks.
I have to say – the scene where Jason promised Jessica (and all of us, really) that Hoyt would be okay was VERY dramatic, and so this does make me wonder about how Hoyt’s doing. My first thought was how much damage could a few pigs do in only a couple of minutes, but the way that Jason/Jess scene was shot cannot bode well for the future. Best just to pretend it never happened and move on. But back to the pigs – would they seriously eat live people like that? Is this a fear that I’ve neglected to have all my life?
Even the worst story arc on the show, the wolves, got a shot in the arm thanks to it finally connecting with some people we actually care about – Russell and Steve, who are still in the adorable courting stage of their relationship. But before we discuss that, we must address the super weird Alcide flashback that looked like it was guest authored by Stephanie Meyer:
Teen werewolves that all kind of looked vaguely Native American? Young wolves in love? I’ve never actually seen a Twilight movie but I have read the books, and this flashback totally made me think of Jacob and his teen wolfpack. But seriously – why does every werewolf story lately seem to want to connect the creatures with Native culture? Even Alcide’s dad (T-1000!), who is clearly Caucasian, was wearing feathers and a leather vest. Just, no. I guess the significance of all of this is that Alcide made a decision once that he chose his pack over individual freedom, so I suppose this means he’ll be driving his truck back home to help save the pack from the V-drinking nutjob who’s in charge now. I still think he should just burn the whole pack to the ground and go back to contracting full-time, but then I never took a hand-holding forest oath at 16, so what do I know?
Way better was the fact that Russell brought Steve to see the pack and watch him feed them his blood, and Steve was so impressed by his honey. Russell even got Steve his very first pet: puppy Emma. Question: why is Emma always a puppy now? I’m betting it’s the actress’s punishment for being a big diva on set. She must have refused to leave her trailer one too many times until they finally snapped and decided they’d rather work with a dog than her. Either way, Sam and Luna will now be hunting down Russell and Steve, which will be interesting. If it ends in a casualty, may it be Luna. The future Newlingtons are too awesome to die, and Sam is just starting to get great again.
Time to address the AVL and the quickly approaching vampire civil war. Operation Kaboom is in full effect, with many TB factories around the world blowing up in the span of a day or two. Fangtasia is running low on stock. The world is starting to panic. And Bill done lost his damn fool mind. But on the plus side, this has forced an alliance between Eric and Vampire Mac and we all love that. I don’t even have to ask you guys – I just know that you love it as much as I do. I wasn’t aware until last night that everyone was being held captive at Council HQ, but they are, and Eric and Mac devised a plan to get out. Of course the plan involved stupid Bill so it all got shot to hell, and now Eric and Mac are probably going to be kept in those solar powered jail cells until the rest of the Bon Temps Crew figures out what’s going on and comes to their rescue.
I do think that they’ll be able to redeem Bill at the end though, not that I care if they do. There’s just been an awful lot of weirdness surrounding Salome and the ‘Lilith’ blood so I’m pretty sure we’ll find out that it’s tainted or cursed or something and that Salome’s been using it to get people to follow her. I’m fairly certain that Bill will come to his senses at some point and realize that imagining that he’s fucking a woman who looks like she was covered in an all-body blister and then peeled the skin off is gross as shit and then he’ll throw up for three days like I want to every time Lilith shows up on screen.
Again, this was a gloriously quote-heavy episode, so here are some of the best. No surprise, Lafayette accounts for half of them because he is the best. Just don’t call him Oda Mae.
- We’d better get back to slaughtering people in the name of God.
- Joe-Bob fell off his bunk real hard and he still wouldn’t turn on the Dragon.
- It is my job to protect sons of bitches too…and vampers, and shifters and werechickens and whatever the fuck else is out there.
- She’s a mindreader with electric fingers and a fetish for fangers. (Not inaccurate.)
- Suck me, Vampire Barbie.
- ‘You see anything?’ ‘Yep. One fine-assed motherfucker with pretty new eyelashes.’
- Creepy spirit thingie: why you in Sookie’s bathroom?
- I ain’t no Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost. Although I am way prettier. (Truth.)
- I ain’t Gmail for dead bitches, send your own goddamned messages.
- Dead folk: why y’all gotta be so cryptic? It ain’t cute.
This is a promo for the last three episodes of the season I believe, so be warned – it is slightly more spoilery than usual. Most intriguing to me was a shot at the 0:41 second mark, which I will not talk about in case you don’t want to know. Rather, I will obsess about it silently in my head until we see it play out in the show. After you watch, be sure to hit the comments with your thoughts on the episode, celebrations for the end of the ifrit, jokes about the fact that Alcide still listens to The Wallflowers, the naked man buffet that kicked the episode off, or anything you’d like!