Let me just get this out of the way – even though I guess a lot happened, it didn’t actually feel like much did, and because of that, I found this whole episode to be kind of ‘Tell Ezra Dirtbags Invariably Obtain Underage Sex’, which, if you followed along with the episode, you know translates to T.E.D.I.O.U.S. ‘Crazy’ used the tried and true PLL method of making it seem like a lot was going on when really everything was so vague that nobody has any clue what is actually happening.

The episode opened with Detective Wilden showing up at Hanna’s house (he really hates the phone apparently) where he told her ‘I’m not supposed to talk to you without an adult present’ which, when you think about it, should really be this show’s motto or subtitle or something. He was out for her blood, but not in a sexy vampire way – in an unsexy, DNA-test-followed-by-jail way. (Do any of us doubt at this point that the anklet has the blood of at least one Liar on it?) Wilden is still deriving WAY too much personal pleasure from trying to mindfuck four teenage girls, but he’s such an openly hostile villain that I just can’t take him seriously.

We met Cece, a very Alison-like former friend of Alison’s and former lovah of Jason’s. Apparently both of these relationships were VERY INTENSE, even though they only lasted a couple of weeks. She’s played by the girl who played Jenny on Suits, so all I could think when she and Spencer were in a scene together was, ‘you’ve both made out with Mike Ross/Patrick J. Adams!’ like a 14 year old. I like her. She’s got moxie. I particularly enjoyed her telling Jenna that she’d scratch her eyes out if she kept seeing Maya’s cousin who’s name I am still mentally blocking, followed by Emily freaking out about how Jenna used to be blind. Hilarious.

This cousin dude will just NOT go away, am I right? What is his deal? I was on imdb the other day and saw some fans speculating that he isn’t actually her cousin, but rather the dude who was stalking her before she died, and I have to say, I like this theory. It makes a lot of sense. Remember when he kept ‘forgetting’ his aunt’s address when Emily wanted it? Or how he intercepted the gift that Maya had ordered for Emily? Or last night, when he remembered a pair of earrings that Maya had received only a week before she died? If it looks like a stalker and sounds like a stalker… Plus, he’s already dating Jenna AND he’s hitting on Em. Dude has issues.

Spencer is still freezing Toby out of everything, and I have to say, I really hate the fact that the show insists of having the Liars keep this secret from everyone in their lives. It’s just not realistic and is so clearly only happening for the sake of creating drama. Caleb was smart – he bounced when he realized that Hanna was never going to let him in. Toby should follow him to the Secret Boy Cave – whatever they’ve got going on in there has GOT to be better than being the oft-forgotten bf of a Pretty Little Liar. Unless you’re Ezra, whom Aria is devoted to no matter what THANK GOD. (See how embracing Evil!Ezra makes him so much more tolerable? His absence now makes me sad, and the episode automatically kind of sucks because he wasn’t in it).

Spencer was busy on her own this week, both with updating her computerized Alison Death Timeline that looks like an interactive Harry Potter website, and acting as Jason’s Personal Jesus by taking his wheel after she watched him crash his car while drunk. Unfortch, she totally Britta’d the situation by leaving her own car in the middle of the road with the door wide open like a lunatic. C’mon Spence – you’re supposed to be the smart one. You couldn’t take ten seconds to move your car or at least close the goddamn door? At least it ended well since doormat Toby covered for her with the cops, but still. That was just stupid.

Ella went out on a date with Pastor What’s-his-name who was hitting on Ashley last week. Hey man, no judgments – Pastors have needs too. He insisted on going for ice cream, and they focused extra hard on this, and guys, I’m really getting the feeling that ice cream is somehow relevant to the Big Mystery because the people of Rosewood are eating ice cream like it’s going out of style. Melissa, the Pastor, A… There is a lot of frozen dairy happening on this show, but fuck if I know what they hell they’re going for, symbolism-wise. But the pastor was boring, and Ella wasn’t into it. Weeping Poet Dad was boring too (when he wasn’t cheating on her), and she needs something different now. Like the young owner of the coffee place where Emily works, which I just realized is named Rear Window Cafe. Nobody ever accused this show of subtlety!

Lastly, Hanna and Aria were on a mission to break into the asylum and talk to Mona. First of all, this is like the seventh time they’ve decided that they need to get answers from Mona and they never do, because bitch is cray. Second of all, the pop culture definition of insanity is doing to same thing over and over again but expecting different results. A + B = Time for some Thorazine and a padded cell, you two. They managed to break in because luckily this place has the worst security on earth. Mona was oscillating between normal and super crazy, and okay, fine – I’m actually starting to be convinced that she’s maybe not pretending to be crazy to fool the PLLs, but rather to fool The A Team.  Though she’s going about it in the most ridiculous ways.

After leading Aria and Hanna to the now-closed Children’s Ward (let that sink in – a Children’s Ward in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. There were CRIBS in there. Hey, I guess kids like Damien from The Omen and Rosemary’s baby needed somewhere to be insane too, right?), she started spouting nonsense. Or WAS IT? (It wasn’t). Here’s the full recap of everything she said, and what it means, according to her and Hanna’s extremely advanced code:

• Miss Aria, you’re a killer, not Ezra’s wife. (Maya knew)
• Where were we? Maya’s away sleeping sweet, until Garrett’s all rosy, count on me. (www.massugar.com) The site just redirects you to ABC Family and the pic that was in the show. Nothing exciting.
• No one to save Allie from evil. (Not safe)

The website led to a picture of Maya and required a password. Nobody even MENTIONED the ‘Maya knew’ part of the riddle, which I feel has to be the password, right? At the rate this show goes, it’ll probably take until 2014 just to crack the password, and they the Liars will have to complete ten missions and answer a riddle before finally finding out something mildly interesting but ultimately unhelpful.

The Glovey Shot: Children’s Mental Ward. Glovey removed a doll head and located a tape recorder that had taped Mona’s conversation with Aria and Hanna. This is what made me think that Mona was protecting the Liars by speaking in code, because she knew they were being taped. But then why even bother going there in the first place? Unless she was forced to.

Very Important Casting Alert: Goth Sparkle Pony Adam Lambert will be guesting on an ep in October, which I can only guess means that they’re doing another Halloween special this year. Um, this sounds amazing. Lambert is the only reason I paid any attention at all to American Idol that one season. He’s performing a couple of songs AND acting with the Liars. Halloween + PLL + Lambert = Dream come true. This episode is going to be SO fetch.

Okay, that’s it for me – were you frustrated by all of the MYSTERY going on here or did you love it? Did you miss Ezra? Does ANYONE know the name of Maya’s ‘cousin’? Does anyone care? AND WHAT DOES THE ICE CREAM MEAN? Check out the (very Ezra heavy) promo for next week and then hit the comments with your thoughts/theories/predictions!!