Oh honey, no. Crimpers should not exist outside of Halloween or 80′s parties.

Well, well, well…one day Vulture publishes an interview with Jodie Foster calling out the True Blood fairies as capital ‘L’ lame, and less than two weeks later the show introduces a twist that if Sookie doesn’t power up on her luminescence or whatever, she could lose her ‘fay’ (fey? feigh? I have no idea) side and be normal. Coincidence? Or just the result of a Hollywood power lesbian getting shit done? I choose to think that Jodie is behind this, and for that, I thank her. While this development is exciting for those of us who hate this storyline (all of us), I have to call out Sookie for being kind of lame in her own right. For all of her so-called badassery, her boudoir tells a different story:

These are the exact pajamas and bedding that I had when I was seven. All that’s missing from this picture is a Cabbage Patch Doll named Jessica Bonnie.

Long story sort, Claude told Sookie that if she isn’t careful she will deplete her magic forever, so she started shooting fireballs into the sky and we all cheered her on. Hopefully Jason doesn’t try to cockblock the first smart thing she’s done since ever when he catches up to her next week.

Sookie and Alcide are no more, ever since Eric’s glamor session with him – he’s moved on pretty quickly to the new werewolf chick who is training him, Mr. Miyagi-styles, for his big fight with Cooter, or Cletus or whatever the redneck, V-pushing wolf’s name is. Between the training barn and Alcide’s headband, I kept hoping we were in for a musical 80′s-style training montage, but no such luck. Instead we just got the two of them sweating it out on the barn floor – maybe next week?

Speaking of people who are also animals, Sam’s shifter skills are really coming in handy in the search for the Masked Supe Killers – at one point he was LITERALLY rolling on the floor like a dog. PROOF:

I honestly can’t decide if I love or hate the ridiculousness of Sam as Deputy Dog, although it makes me laugh so I guess I have to love it. He’s even better than a dog though, because he can smell emotions (hate, anger), along with the digestive tracts of people who were once previously in the room that he is currently in (‘bad diets’). What a creepy and gross super power! If his sense of smell is that powerful, just imagine what the bowels of the people standing right next to him must smell like.

The Sam & Luna shooters who ‘rescued’ Hoyt from Tara turn out to be the Bon Temps chapter of the Tea Party, what with their hatred of the ‘lamestream media’ and people who are marginalized but have the audacity to want acceptance anyway. And right from the get-go, Hoyt is INTO IT. He has no idea what’s happening, but he wants to be a part of it, even though they seem to answer to someone/thing by the name of ‘Dragon’. God, at this point Hoyt is so desperate to find himself that I think he’d try to join the Girl Scouts or Scientology if he stumbled across them (although there’s no way he could afford Scientology). But aww, look at this shot of Hoyt & Jessica at Terry & Arlene’s wedding:

This tv must have come out of the same storage closet as Pam’s crimper.

This thing with them can only end in joy or tragedy, and my gut tells me it’s going to be the latter, though I hope I’m wrong because look at how adorable they are! Remember when he talked her down after she realized that she’d be re-hymened every time she had sex? Or when he followed her to Dallas and they were so cute together that you kind of wanted to punch yourself and you loved it? All of those warm and fuzzy feelings are going to make the inevitable sadness that much harder to bear. I’m steeling myself already.

Lafayette went after Jesus’ uncle Don Bartolo and quickly realized that the man was either a twisted psycho or a really huge Arrested Development fan, or possibly both:

You really gotta ‘hand’ it to them – it’s a striking image.

But that was far from the worst part. After relocating Jesus’ extremely well-preserved head to the sacred alter/microwave, Don sewed poor Lala’s lips shut, and it was equal parts sad, terrifying and disgusting:

We still don’t really know what’s going on here (who was the pregnant woman?), but I’m guessing it’s not the end of it all. At this point I just hope Lafayette’s lips heal up real fast because it hurts me to look at him like that.

Once again, the Terry/Arlene story was ridiculous, but managed to have a really sweet, meaningful scene, this time between Holly and Arlene. It was fun to see the video of the wedding that happened during the time that Sookie was trapped in Herbal Essences Land. But then we also had to watch Terry and Noel ‘Suicide is for Muslims’ Crane and holy shit, I hated that part, and that is all I have to say about that.

Eric and Bill drank the blood of Lilith with the rest of the Council and got so high that Eric gave Bill a piggyback ride. In public! While they were out having a ‘Lost Boys’ moment with the rest of their cool vampire buds in N’awlins! It was pretty awesome even though they didn’t give us a close-up:

And then the gang crashed a family karaoke night (you know how you and your entire family are always going to bars together for karaoke parties) and Russell was all Russell-y and it was the best:

And then they vamped out on the entire party, and I was actually kind of disappointed that Russell didn’t rip out that saccharine-sweet girl’s spine. But that doesn’t mean they weren’t enjoyably disgusting:

Brings a whole new meaning to ‘eating out’.

Between this and a recent episode of Louie, it seems as though tv is trying its best to make us associate cunnilingus with feelings of discomfort, nausea and fear. PATRIARCHAL CONSPIRACY ALERT! If I was back in university I’d totally write a Women’s Studies paper about this. Speaking of feminist values, Lilith finally showed up and props to her for kicking it old school, bush-wise. It just wouldn’t seem right if the most powerful woman in the universe was sporting a Brazilian, you know?

While Lilith gazed, naked and smug, over her followers while they ate their way through the bar, someone else showed up and he was not nearly as impressed:

It’s Godric! I know everyone loves him so much even though I never had particularly strong feelings about him so congratulations everyone! It’s your favorite! I have to say, I do like that his appearance has immediately snapped some sense into Eric and also that it’s going to likely put an end to Bill & Eric’s Bromantic Adventure, because Bill doesn’t care if he disappoints Eric’s teenage maker, and blood is sooooo delicious.

Oh, and Russell and Vampire Steve Newlin (he’s baaaaaack!!!!!!) were totes making eyes at each other, right? I am so all about that pairing and I hope they get married and live forever and eventually spin off into their own show. Just saying.

This was a pretty kickass episode, Ifrit notwithstanding, and the season seems like it’s starting to pick up some steam for the second half which makes me happy. I’ll leave you with some of my favorite quotes from the ep (most of them are completely vulgar, no duh). You can also check out the promo for next week, and then hit the comments with all of your thoughts/feelings/complaints/favorite moments!

• Her head lit up real good, I thought. (Jason…what a sweet, sweet dummy.)
• I feel more love and acceptance right here in this hate group than I ever did at church or basketball.
• Never, you bible-banging cunt. (I so wanted to make this the title of the post, but I fear that not everyone embraces the C-word as much as Eric and I do)
• Respectfully, Martha – your son doesn’t have a grave ‘cause y’all ate him.
• I spit first, you sick fucking fuck.
• ‘I’m a raving lunatic bitch.’ ‘Oooh, you said it!’
• What the fuck kind of question is that? I ain’t never fucked a cow!