You know what it is that I really love about Wilfred? Yes, watching Wilfred, a man in a dog suit, run around doing dog things is hilarious. Yes, the situations Ryan gets into because of Wilfred are hilarious (see last week’s ep… and all of season 1). But the thing(s) that I find the most hilarious about this show are the details, the throw-away lines, the fact that Wilfred was reaching toward a pregnant Kristen with a wire hanger on a stick. These fucked up little moments are what make this show so special, you guys. And last night’s episode was chock full of them.
Where to even begin? Well, Wilfred once and for all confirms all of our suspicions that there is, in fact, a war between dogs and babies to see who is cuter. And it is a goddamn bloodbath, apparently. So when Ryan’s sister Kristen comes back fromIndiaall 6 months pregnant, Wilfred is incensed. Ryan feels guilty about the manipulative shit that went down at the end of last season, and because he can’t let go of the guilt (unlike Wilfred, whose guilt only lasts five seconds), he agrees to let her stay with him.
See, apparently she and Arturo are getting a condo together, but there’s construction going on and that’s bad for the baby. But while Wilfred is searching for information to take down that fucking terrorist baby, he finds a restraining order in Kristen’s bag – from Arturo against her. But still, Ryan’s guilt is so much that he can’t kick her out. Even after she belittles his relationship with Creepy Chick. Her and Arturo’s relationship, on the other hand, is based on mutual love and compassion for each other.
And you guys, I fucking hate Kristen so much. She is a CRAZY BITCH, and I can’t even. EVEN after she realizes that while she’s blaming all this shit on Ryan, she’s actually the reason all this crap has happened to her. I just can’t take her anymore. But enough about her.
The greatest part of this episode was the way Ryan and Kristen’s “war” mirrored the war between Wilfred and the unborn baby. And like I said, it wasn’t just that clearly there is something going on between babies and dogs in real life. The great part of everything was how fucking crazy and weird the whole thing was. Wilfred kept citing these heinous bloody battles, like how the there were just piles of “the brave, dead soldiers at The Battle of the ‘Babies R US’ Parking Lot.” The best, though, was the mention that the Battle of Kristen’s Bulge had begun, and Wilfred rejoiced: “Looks like I’ll have another fontanelle to hang from my belt.” That. Is. Fucked. UP. And it was amazing.
It was just an enjoyable episode. It started off a bit slow, because it was a bit heavy on the Kristen shit (god, I hate her so much), but once it got into the meat of it, with Wilfred and his hatred of babies, it really started rolling. There’s no real point in recapping all the things that happened BECAUSE it was all mostly great lines of dialogue, so I’m just going to leave you this list of my random thoughts about what was happening, and some of my favorite quotes.
- “I thought she was running a brothel in India.” “A birthing clinic.” “Right, a brothel supply company.” WHAT. That is horrible. And hilarious.
- So, Wilfred has a last name, huh? Mueller. Interesting.
- Wilfred on the proposition of a truce: “How many babies’ faces need to be bitten? How many dogs’ ears need to be played with not gently enough?”
- “Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your runt sister because she was born with no eyes? Cause I did that.” Cold.
- Absolutely LOVED the fucked up imagery of Wilfred attacking the watermelon, demonstrating what he’ll do to the baby. He stabs it, rips it open, and scoops out inside and shoves it in his mouth. “This watermelon is delicious, by the way.” Nice.
- The one scene we got with Creepy Chick was interesting, if only because it confirmed for me just how much I don’t like her. I can’t be the only one, right? She’s just… weird and annoying, and not in a fun quirky way (and no, I do NOT mean like Zooey Deschanel. GOD NO.). But her story about having a twin’s face imbedded in your back, and then turning around and miming it for Ryan? UGH. Just, ugh. I can’t stand her.
- THOUGH, I do really enjoy happy, in-a-relationship Ryan. So yay there.
- This scene also involved squid tacos, which sound kind of interesting. Though, if it had been a fish taco I’d at least try for a euphemism here, but no dice. I mean, she MAKES him eat her squid taco, and afterwards, I guess he has squid breath, which is good because “now I know you won’t be kissing anyone else.” WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN A FISH TACO, WRITERS?! Missed opportunity right there, if you ask me.
- One of my favorite moments may have been Wilfred lying on the floor with a dust buster pointed at Kristen’s cooter, creepily singing “One, two, vacuum’s coming for you. Three, four, your mom’s an unwed whore.”
- Possibly THE most fucked up scene was Wilfred demonstrating how well his voodoo dolls work… by performing oral sex on the dog doll… which… worked on him. A quote from my notes: “This is the most awkward, disturbing shit I have seen… all day.” It was just amazing. How do they come up with this shit?
- Okay, one sight gag that I absolutely loved was Wilfred gated in the kitchen by a gat that probably only came up to his knees. And THEN being amazed when Ryan just climbed over it.
- “WHAT? How did you scale that giant wall? That’s impossible!” ALL THE LOLS.
- “Are you some sort of magical, otherworldly entity? Because I’d tell you if I was.” Oh, you writers. Always teasing us!
- Wilfred’s “baby-getting stick.” All I’m going to say.
- Why I hate Kristen: She cries after saying this — “You know why he wanted me to go to India? Because he thinks I’m a good doctor!” Oh, honey, there is so much wrong with you.
- “WHAT KIND OF GOD MAKES A BABY LIVE?!”
- “Great, now the father’s here. How many innocent babies need to survive before we put an end to this senseless nurturing?”
- Wilfred giving Ryan the whole speech about guilt and having to end it himself… with baby food all over his face. Jason Gann, you are a comedic genius.
- “We both have vocabularies that are… vocabularious.”
- Aww, the baby invited Wilfred to join his club! The PEN15 club. “Cool name, huh?” Baby 2 Wilfred 0.
- “We all know life doesn’t begin until the fetus is 10 years old. You kill an 11-year-old and you’re going straight to hell.”
So what did you guys think of the episode? Did you also think the (hilarious) devil was in the details? What was your favorite part? Least favorite? Someone else has GOT to think that Creepy Chick is annoying, right? If not, defend her! Leave all your thoughts in the comments.