The pic quality isn’t great, but who cares. Sad vampires are sad. *Sniff*

Well, it looks like the day is finally coming. The day when everyone in Bon Temps realizes what Pam (and we, the audience) knew a long time ago:

And honestly? It’s about damn time. There was a lot of talk last night about Sookie and how she is free to constantly throw herself into the worst situations, because someone will always rescue her (it’s just the lives of everyone around her that get completely effed up). Even in the midst of various characters realizing how destructive she is last night, there were Alcide and Jessica, stepping in to save her ass once again on the Debbie Pelt front. But I digress. I’ll come back to Sookie’s ridiculousness. This episode was all over the place, so I’m going to break it down by storyline, with the most WTF one first.

Terry & Patrick

I’m starting here because this arc was completely disconnected from the rest of the show, both geographically and tonally, so I want to get it out of the way. Did it not seem really weird to have this really heavy, tragic ‘horrors of war’ story as part of a soft core porn vampire show on HBO? The flashback scenes were really well-done and affecting, but still…something felt off to me having these really horrifying war images mixed in with scenes of fairy sex dens and exploding child vampires. Just me? Anyway, it looks like Terry & Patrick have finally tracked down their crazy comrade, emphasis on crazy, so I guess we’ll soon learn how the show plans on connecting this story with the rest of the show. Good luck with that!

Sam

At first when those two shifters showed up at the bar all preppy and cheerful, I thought that the shifters were going to turn out to be the Scientologists of the supernatural world (how timely would that have been? Free Katie!). I thought Sam was in for a season of auditing and membership dues, until he showed up for a wine & cheese/forest adventure and the other two had been shot in the head.  Who did it? I don’t particularly care. Whatever’s going on, I hope it doesn’t take Sam away from the bar that he owns and operates for an entire season again (this is the problem with having an entire season take place in a week or two – characters can realistically disappear from their regular lives for three quarters of the episodes).

Jason & Andy

Jason learned all about the Sookie/Debbie/Tara clusterfuck and needed to blow off some steam, so he and Andy went clubbing with a local judge.  My thoughts watching the limo scene: hmmm…wonder why they’re being shrouded in hoods by a bunch of attractive girls? This can’t be good. Oh look – now they’re in a meadow with some strange white lights…OH HELLLLL, NAW. Jason in Herbal Essences Land? What fresh hell is this? Like the werepanther gang rape wasn’t bad enough? Oh, thank dog. It’s not the glittery pond; it’s a high-class pansexual burlesque/sex club. But still – this has to be fairies, which makes it harder to enjoy all of the hot, oily people.

This was a weird scene – it was cool to look at, and Jason definitely seemed to be enjoying himself (what happened to that ‘sex ruined my life’ epiphany?), but why were they there to begin with? I get that they had to learn about its existence for some future reason (it’s a safe zone from vampires apparently), but why would the fairies take a judge and two cops there? Whatever. The important take-aways from this place: Jason and Sookie’s cousin works there, it’s vampire-proof, and oh, guess what? Jason and Sookie’s parents weren’t killed in a flood after all – they were killed by vamps (I dropped this bit of info into the recap about as elegantly as it was dropped in the episode, which is to say…not at all). Dun dun dun.  The question now is…WHICH vampires? Is this a general piece of information that will turn Jason into a vampire hunter? Or will we find out that Bill, Eric, Pam, or someone else we know did it?

Lafayette

Bruja Powers Activate! He’s like the Hulk, but without the clothes-ripping, unfortch. We still don’t really know what’s going on with him, but the lesson we can take is, don’t make Laffy angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Except, he almost killed Sookie which, I think we can all agree would have been a service to the good people of Bon Temps, so…

Sookie & Alcide

Poor little fairy girl. I for one couldn’t be happier that everyone is finally realizing that her enchanted fairy vagina is like a stormcloud hanging over Bon Temps. Fuck Sookie, indeed. Okay, it was a little endearing to learn that she drinks like my friends and I did in high school when we were trying to stealthily steal liquor from our parents: just pour a bit from each bottle into a glass so that each one disappeared incrementally.  We called it Piss Mix, and it was as disgusting as it sounds. Even more so after it was mixed with Kool Aid, which it was – always, because we were classy like that. But even worse was Tara’s invention: Oh my god, Orange Marzipan sounds like the worst drink imaginable. It’s like the alcoholic version of that OJ/milk combo that Veronica was going to slip Heather Chandler to make her puke (before JD swapped it for Drano). (Corn Nuts!) (Name that movie reference!)

Everyone in town hates her (except for a couple of people), and I’m not really sure why. How does the whole town seem to know about Tara being a vampire and Sookie’s role in that, yet they don’t know about Sookie killing Debbie? #MakesNoSense ANYWAY, she drinks to drown out the sounds of an entire town’s worth of hate directed at her, which I guess is understandable.

Alcide had to break the news to Debbie’s parents that their daughter could now be the star of the real-life version of ‘All Dogs go to Heaven’. They accepted his explanation and left town. Then he made out with Sookie while Bill & Eric watched. The end. #MorelikeBOREcide

The Council

When we first saw Roman & Salome, the were still basking in the afterglow of their sex fest, and all I could think was that Roman’s semen was co-mingling with Bill & Eric’s in her cervix. And it was still gross.

The Nora torture was still underway, and she held out until Roman threatened to take out Eric with one tap of his thumb. It’s more than a little weird that the method for activating the S&M Death Stakes strapped to Bill & Eric is the exact same process as Shazaming a song, right? Anyway, she cracked, and gave up the Council member with allegiance to the Sanguinistas, and it was the child who delivers every line like he’s in a fourth grade play. And Roman staked the shit out of him! Good riddance, kid.

Even the kid’s blood overdoes it on camera.

Pam & Tara

These two are still working out the kinks in the Maker/Progeny relationship, but Tara is coming around. I like what I see so far with these two, and c’mon – Pam is a HUGE BFF upgrade from Sookie. Except, um, Pam was sounding awfully Sanguinista-y when she was telling Tara of the wonders of being at the top of the food chain, with all of humanity being theirs to savor. Yikes, girl. She would never lie to Eric, would she? #Hmmmmmm

Eric & Bill

Still strapped into their iStake training bras, they’re on the loose and on the hunt for whoever dug up Russell. Eric is a total badass again btw, and just like that, last season’s neutering is forgotten and I re-love him.

They’ve come to terms with the fact that they will likely be dead soon, either at the hands of Russell, if they track him down, or the Council, once they’ve completed their mission. Both Bill & Eric had really touching goodbyes with their respective progeny, even though only one of them overtly admitted to saying goodbye. Eric told Pam that he and Bill were done, no matter what happened, so he released her (to protect her). It was a long scene but every second of it was sooo good. I love them together. Not TOGETHER together, just in the same room together. Hopefully they’ll both have some blood tears of happiness in the near future.

Bill’s goodbye was simpler, because he couldn’t really say what needed to be said. Jessica is too young and too emotional to be told what he was walking into. So he said it without saying it at all, but it was really sweet nonetheless. Damn these vampires for making me all emotional!

Sadly, there was no sign of Hoyt or Steve Newlin, but that’s just a reason to look forward to next week. In the meantime, here are some of my favorite quotes of the night:

• ‘I’m turnin’ myself in.’ ‘Into what?’ (Oh, Jason)
• Congratulations – you’re a grandfather.
• It’s just a book. I knew the guy who wrote it and he was high the whole time.
• This is your house too, and you can take care of yourself. But this is low-quality shit. (Love that Bill is a weed snob)
• ‘What the hell happened to you, and who is she?’ ‘Nothin’. And Melanie.’

So, what did you think? Did the vampire angst get to you? Should we read anything into Pam’s comments about humans? Do you care at all about Sookie and Alcide? Hit the comments and talk to me!