I know this is what you’re all here for anyway, so you shall have it.

Oh my GOD, you guys, I love this show SO MUCH I can’t even deal with it.  I had the hardest time getting started because there were only about a zillion quotes I could’ve chosen for the title.  Among the other contenders?

• The only thing I’m guaranteed is a prozac attack!
• You know I can’t keep a secret for shit.
• “You threatened to shave my head!”  ”This is what we DO!”
• You’re willing to be friends with Hamiltoe and not me?
• EAT SHIT, RICKY!
• So what happened?  Did she dis you for the Nilla wafer?
• This year I’m gonna let Jesus take the wheel … because I am way too wasted to drive! (This was probably the closest second … classic Awkward.)
• This year, I’m gonna be on top!  Unless I’m in a monogamous relationship.
• Amazing.  I know.  You’re welcome.

Okay, so first of all, god bless this show for picking up where it left off, which is at the winter formal, even though this is a summer show.  I, for one, fucking love a holiday episode, and I don’t mind my Christmas trees in June.  Or New Year’s!  And does this mean we’ll get a Valentine’s Day episode?  Oh man, I hope so.  But let’s focus on this ep, shall we?

So when we return, it’s been two weeks since Jenna figured out that her mom wrote the letter, and the biggest thing that has happened is that everyone in town fell into a fat of dark hair dye.  Well, and Asian friend found her dad’s porn on HER computer (OMG) so she has the tiniest bit of leverage and freedom now.  And lucky for us, it’s just enough to make the whole situation even funnier.

At first, I wasn’t really sure why Jenna had been keeping the discovery about her mom a secret while still remaining civil (basically civil, anyway), but then how she told her that she knew in the end was BOSS.  Can’t wait for next week.  And of course, this season’s big mystery will be who is reading Jenna’s blog?

This just SCREAMS “Bitch, pleeeeeeaaaaaase!”

Let’s take a break in the action to quickly catch up with the more minor characters, and then we’ll tackle the big triangle!

Tamara has the same hysterical and tragic relationship with Ricky, who did improve upon his pumpkin pie haircutted freakishness (I’m assuming because Thanksgiving is now over).  No mention of red solo cups THIS TIME, but I’m confident they’ll bring it back.

Lissa is still not really talking to Sadie, in spite of telling her she looked skinnier (which she does).  Instead, she is trying to make amends with Jenna, who doesn’t really care, but I think this is part of her whole letting Jesus take the wheel campaign.  I mean, her new year’s resolution was hilarious, as was the begging for a slap across the face, but I don’t think I’ll ever see that girl again without thinking of “behymen” in like … HUGE FLASHING RED LETTERS in my mind, ya know?

You can tell that Sadie is hard up for friends because she’s trying to smooth things over with Lissa, when Lissa is the one who locked HER out of the bathroom.  Also, I call bullshit on getting skinnier over the holidays.  Just … no.  But she did finally confess her crush on Matty … to Matty … and she picked a really good moment for it because he was drunk on beer and dark hair dye, and feeling rejected (rightfully so), and so he went in for the smooch and suddenly, YOU’RE welcome, Sadie, and also, we’re all really jealous of you, you fucking bitch.  Anyway.  He fell asleep mid-strip, which … god, been there.  Not mid-strip, but mid-kiss, and it was both hilarious and SO awkward both on screen and in real life.  And then Sadie told Matty he was overrated, which is so TOTALLY untrue.  And that led to her kissing Ricky.  Talk about a downgrade!

And Val was still around, being a lunatic and not really contributing anything but weirdness to the story.  But my favorite Val moment was when Jenna so successfully pep talked her that Val kicked her out of the car.  Hee!

Alright, love triangle time!  You guys know how I love a good love triangle, and angst, and this one is BRINGIN’ it.  Jenna is still with Jake, who was being the total girl of the relationship and all trying to make her make it facebook official (which she finally did).  He’s so sweet and adorable.  And I felt genuinely bad for him when he found out that Jenna had not been saving her virginity for Luke Perry him.  I can’t even really put a name on that emotion, you know?  It’s not jealousy, exactly, but it’s definitely not a GOOD feeling … just kind of that sad reality that people come with pasts, ya know?  We’ve all been there, and it was perfectly played.  And did anyone else get the feeling that Jenna was kind of TRYING to give him an out?  But he is perfect and of course didn’t take it, so “in a relationship with Jake Rosati” it is.  Also, can I just say how much I ADORED when he snagged her friends for five seconds of girl talk at the party?  He’s the best.

But really the best is Matty.  That boy DESTROYS me, and not just in the crotchal region, but also in the heart region.  (I am DEEP, and I feel deep things deeply, y’all!)  I loved how clearly sad about Jenna he was, and how he called her out on being there at his party (or was he talking about there in the basement?).  And that scene at the refrigerator … okay, no, wait a second.  I have to take a sidebar to say that the fact that he was scooping ice from an ice maker and not dumping it out of a huge bag clearly goes to show that these children are party rookies.  But they’re in high school, so they’re supposed to be, so good attention to detail, show!  But anyway, when Jenna asked if it was closed, and he was like, no.  It’s not.  It was all so The Notebook, right?  And like … here’s where I love and hate Matty, and why I am conflicted about who Jenna should choose.

It’s easier to be objective when everyone is clothed.

Matty is so adorable and charming sometimes, but he has also fucked up on a really regular basis.  But I love him because he does seem to genuinely try to … fix it.  Like here, he offered to take the shit job of telling Jake.  But first, he was going to make Jenna come downstairs and cheat on her boyfriend with him.  But he was also just so direct and manly with his feelings (as opposed to Jake vagging out upstairs).  And I love that.  And he’s MATTY (and if you didn’t read the recaps last year, not to worry, we ran the perv check and he’s fine).  So this whole thing might make you think that he’d be a better boyfriend now, but also?  He’s being a REALLY shitty friend.  So he has a ways to go before he’s like a fully realized decent human being, but he’s getting closer.

I have no doubt we’ll continue to discuss my feelings on this as the season goes on, so I’ll keep it as brief as I can, but listen.  My logical, adult mind is all for Jenna picking Jake.  He’s great–sweet, smart, considerate, open, honest, smitten with her, nice to her friends, thoughtful … he’s really perfect on paper.  And if Jenna was 30, and so were Jake and Matty, it wouldn’t even be a contest.  (Also, if they were real people.  But they’re not.  They just feel like it to those of us who are insane, by which I mean me.)

But Matty is where her heart is and maybe it’s wrong, and maybe give me a little more life experience, and I’ll change my mind.  But I think it’s important to go with your heart over your head at least once, at least so you have the memory of it and also so you know how stupid it is and how much it hurts.  And on the flip side, I think you should also follow your head completely at least once, to realize how unfulfilling and lame it is, and then you can adequately move on with your adult life and find someone who makes BOTH your head and heart happy.  But that’s just my opinion.  Anyway, when you’re young and stupid is really the time to have that consuming, passionate, madly in love relationship, because your heart can still take it.  And it’s part of youth.  And when you’re young, you think all your relationships will be like that but really they’re not, so when you get one, you’ve gotta embrace it.  Plus, without the Mattys, you never REALLY appreciate the Jakes.

But I don’t know.  I’m still hoping that Matty will pull his shit together kind of, but I also love that he’s this flawed, awesome character with good intentions and totally thoughtless actions.  Just like I love Jenna, who may or may not make good decisions, who possibly takes a little too much shit but who is ultimately okay with herself, and like I love Jake … who sort of IS a Nilla wafer, but who is also all of the things we just talked about and who would really someone happy.  I mean … Nilla wafers, they’re good with EVERYTHING, right?  Right.

Alright, I should NOT have had that much to say about 20 minutes of teen angst on MTV and yet I DO, because this show is The Best™.  But now I turn it over to you for comments!  What did you think?  Strong return?  Thoughts on the triangle?  Favorite moments or lines?  Things I forgot to mention?  Share it all in the comments!  Can’t wait to chat about it with everyone!