Well, well, well. Isn’t it interesting that Glovesy/A/Whomever was on a cross-country trip to run Caleb’s mom off the road (oh, don’t worry, I’m coming back to that) while a certain Hollis professor was nowhere to be seen? Sure, he could have been teaching a class in the Secret Boy Cave (it would have been full, too since Mike, Lucas, Noel Khan and Toby were all MIA this week), and having a Dead Poet’s Society-style ‘O, Captain, My Captain’ moment. But fuck that noise – Ezra was totally waiting for a flight out of Montecito, dropping way too much cash on a solo airport lunch while hacking into Mona’s patient file at the mental hospital. This is the second time the show has highlighted that A/Glovesy is a drinker, and now he or she is dropping fifties on lunch – this A is definitely an adult.
It wasn’t a terribly exciting episode (divorcees bonding over online dating, polite chitchat between people in mourning, round 17 of the never-ending Caleb and Hanna fight) – it was all pretty tame. I will say that I like the idea of Ashley and Ella becoming friends – they are the two best parental units on the show, and I’d like to see them hanging out. Maybe if they talk more they’ll realize that their daughters are still stuck in perma-victim mode. And Ella should start dating – she needs to remember what it’s like to look in a man’s eyes that aren’t in a constant state of ‘welling’.
As for the Caleb/Hanna fight…is it really bad that I don’t really care? They used to be so adorable together, but I admit that I’ve been getting tired of the whole ‘lying about A’ bullshizz and the weekly ‘visiting Mona’ melodramas. Their new couple name should be Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness. Even their big date was going to be a Bon Iver concert. In case you’re not familiar, Bon Iver music is beautiful, but also kind of makes you want to sit and stare out of a rainy window while reflecting on past regrets and possibly cutting yourself. What a great date! I think at this point, these two need a break, or at least I need a break from them. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t. Maybe Caleb will use this time to give himself a makeover. Does the Secret Boy Cave have a salon? Even though I wasn’t moved to tears by the breakup I did appreciate Hanna’s tears. Especially the one that held on like a champ for about ten minutes – color me impressed. She might be even better at this than Dean Winchester.
Before we move on from Hanna and Caleb, I must discuss this new A tactic – a pretty serious one, considering that it involved putting Caleb’s mom’s life in danger and also it required a FLIGHT across the country. What the hell is going on? This new A seems pretty flush with financial resources and has decidedly adult taste in alcohol. Not to mention a semi-murderous streak. Can we really believe that A would do all of that just to prevent Hanna from telling her boyfriend that she’s still getting text messages? Seems like a bit of an overreact.
Hanna also snuck into the mental hospital, and she is such a super-sleuth, you guys – look what she wore for her solo mission:
She had to get past the new nurse (heretofore Nurse Ratched), who is VERY serious about her job. Ever since Mona faked a freakout on Caleb, her visitation privileges have been revoked (though not anymore – this is what A was changing from the Montecito airport food court). So, Hanna put on her brightest and shortest neon miniskirt before sneaking in. To a mental hospital. But once she was in, she saw Officer Dickface (Det. Wilden), subpoena in hand, demanding to see Mona. Hanna tried to wait him out with Wren (and don’t think we didn’t notice you doing that ‘touching his hand while talking to him’ thing, young lady) but he was taking too long so her meeting didn’t happen. Yet.
I have no idea what to do with the Emily storyline. Maya’s cousin is in town, he’s attractive in an ABC Family kind of way, he and Emily bonded, but then he turned into Slim Shady in the last ten minutes (he forgot his Aunt’s address twice in two days? Sure). First of all, what is he up to? Definitely something. Second of all, if they hook Emily up with him, that would be pretty lame. Since, you know, she’s gay and all. But here’s a crazy thought that came to me while I was watching – and let me emphasize the ‘crazy’: What if Maya had a sex change? He seemed to be feeling all kinds of feelings for Emily, and then he mysteriously had a package that had been shipped to Maya’s parents after Maya died (with a note TO EMILY FROM MAYA in the box). I don’t know you guys, I think it could be Boy Maya (sex changes can also make you ten years younger and seven inches taller, right?). Since we have nothing else to go on, for now this is the best I can come up with.
Once again, thank God for Spencer or this episode would have been 100% filler. The suspicions surrounding Melissa were building like crazy since the revelation that she was faking her pregnancy and Hanna immediately started pointing fingers at her about being the Black Swan. Spencer’s great about being a cold bitch when she needs to, so she organized an excursion to get her out of her (GEORGEOUS) house in Philly so the rest of the liars could rifle through it. Of course, they almost totally fucked it all up, but they did find a single feather that matched the BS costume.
I thought this would lead to weeks of speculation and spying, but Spencer, badass that she is, just straight up pointed her ‘J’Accuse’ finger in Melissa’s face. She told her that she knew she was lying about her pregnancy and that she suspected that M was the Black Swan. AND she did all of this while Melissa was holding a butcher knife in a dark kitchen. Spencer is such a BAMF. Love it.
But of course, Melissa started crying, admitted to both things, but said that she did it all under threat by some mysterious person who threatened to tell people that she lost the baby months ago. So, now both Jenna and Melissa have used this excuse for horrible behavior. Are they lying? Or are they really that terrified of Ezra (see what I did there?).
I don’t know you guys, all I DO know is that with each passing episode my Evil!Ezra theory is gaining more and more momentum, even when he’s not around. And this makes me very happy.
So, did you love Spencer’s BAMF moment? What are you thinking about Boy Maya? How much would you hate yourself if your online dating name was HotMamma? Are you buying that Jenna and Melissa were/are terrified of some unknown entity or are they lying liars who lie? And how batshit is this new A to fly across the country and almost kill Caleb’s mom? Hit the comments and talk to me!