I picked this quote for the title because it’s a paraphrase of one of my favorite Nirvana lyrics (who borrowed it from the book Catch-22): Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you. It’s a great line, and especially applicable on this show, where ostensibly the entire town is out to get the Liars at every turn. And after Lucas’ ominous iceberg monologue to Caleb, it’s pretty clear that there’s no such thing as paranoia in Rosewood.

This was a weird episode for me because while on the one hand, there were some HUGE reveals and forward momentum with the story (and Mona is speaking! Spoiler – talking Mona is way creepier than vegetative Mona), there were also some pretty clunky missteps that totally took me out of the story because the actions of some of the characters just made no sense in the realm of normal human behavior. For example, LUCAS. Specifically, both the Liars’ and Caleb’s respective reactions to him. He clearly knows something. Like, a BIG something. He’s not even trying to hide it – he’s rambling about icebergs and danger and conspiracies and NOBODY IS CALLING HIM ON IT. Everyone just takes in whatever vague yet definitely catastrophic thing he’s hinting at, then they give him one of those soap opera ‘prolonged stares of disbelief’, while they watch him walk away.

The guy is clearly on edge, and he keeps deliberately dropping knowledge bombs on everyone. He wants nothing more than for someone to force it out of him. He’s gagging for it. But everyone would rather maintain the mystery, I guess. They’re all like, ‘don’t worry Lucas – we know you probably know a lot more than we do, but it’s more rewarding if we figure this out ourselves. We got this.’

The same issue was bothering me at first about Jenna. They know. We know they know. And yet, instead of just asking her why the fuck she drove Emily to Alison’s grave and, oh yeah, why she isn’t BLIND, they play backup keyboards for her (??) and follow her around town. Being an amateur teen detective is fun – I get it. We all loved Veronica Mars. But at what point do you start actually confronting the people you know for a fact are screwing with you? Hanna was the saving grace in this respect, both with Jenna and with Lucas. This is why she continues to be the best (even Caleb and his unfortunate hair would back me up on that, and he’s pretty pissed at her right now). Although, even though she did go after Lucas on his way out of the psych hospital, she only got in a couple of questions before she let him walk away yet again.

She was much better with Jenna, when she just up and planted herself in front of Jenna’s car like a BAMF. But when they got Jenna to finally admit that she’s had her sight since the first surgery, that she hasn’t even told her own brother that she’s not blind, they let her cry her way out of it. Sure, she had some story about finding drunk Emily in the street, offering her a ride home only to lose her when Em jumped out of the car at a stoplight, but…bitch, please. Emily had a few drinks – she wasn’t high on bath salts. And who exactly is she so afraid of? And why does nobody ask the pertinent questions on this show?? At the very least, if she really is being threatened (*cough* yeah right *cough*), they could team up. Even though it’s kind of disconcerting to look at her eyeballs after so many months of Jackie O glasses.

At least some people are on top of things. Like Spencer. Thank god for Spencer and her inquisitive, distrustful nature. Thanks to her we now know that Melissa was not in the hospital when she claimed to be miscarrying her baby. Instead she was at her resort, getting mani/pedis with their mother. But what’s the real story? Did she miscarry earlier than she claimed? Was she never pregnant? If she was pregnant, was Garrett the father? Personally, I’m going with one of two options: either she was pregnant, but lost the baby after the car accident in the season one finale, or she was never pregnant to begin with. Both of those theories allow me to continue my suspicion that she was the Black Swan at the dance last season.

Okay, it’s time to get to my favorite character – EZRA. If you’re new to my recaps, please know that I don’t love Ezra because of anything that he’s done on the show so far – he’s a boring sack of loser meat with a side of Ambien sauce. HOWEVER, he has the greatest potential to be the most interesting, crazy, psychotic villain this show has seen, or will ever see, and for that I love him. Because each week, they are dropping clues that this could happen, like his weird tendency to get overly aggro or creepy for no reason. Last night, he stepped things up by continuing his overly involved tutor deal with respect to Emily. The show really wanted us to notice last week that someone was lurking and watching Ella change Emily’s grade…RIGHT before Ezra walked into her classroom. In a school where he no longer works. At night. Just to see how his prized tutee did on a test. Sure sure.

So then last night we found out that an anonymous student slipped a note to the Vice Principal with accusations of favoritism in Mrs. Montgomery’s grading practices. Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm. Literally nobody knew about this. Emily herself didn’t even know until pretty much right before the shit hit the fan. Who could have known besides the mysterious hallway lurker? And if that person wasn’t Ezra, why were they watching Ella grade tests, waiting for her to do something blackmail-worthy? That would have been the world’s luckiest guess.

It had to be Ezra. See how he swooped in with his charm and saved Ella’s ass? If he did it just to fuck her over, he could have just let her take the fall, but he didn’t. He wants her to trust him. For what? God, I can’t wait to find out. And if it turns out that some rando really WAS watching her change that test, I will burn this show to the ground. EVIL EZRA NEEDS TO HAPPEN. I am usually not one for making demands of showrunners, but like I told SB, if this is all a big cocktease, I will hunt Marlene King down and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that I’m not very fond of her work, I swear to god I will. (I’m not big on death threats) So, keep that in mind when penning future scripts, Ms. King. Do you really want to bump into my disapproving face in a dark alley? With the possibility of a mumbled bitchy aside as I brush past you? I don’t think you do.

While we’re talking about Ezra, his little brother will be visiting Rosewood soon, and they cast this guy to play him:

Photo courtesy of JustJared.com

Yeah, I can see it. They could be related – they even both enjoy wearing ties when they don’t have to. Now, get this kid to town so he can start dropping hints about Ezra’s past involving animal sacrifices and his childhood shrine to Buffalo Bill already.

Mona is clearly both a giant liar and a crazy person, right? She’s faking HOW crazy at certain times, but that scene of her singing with the Queen of Hearts in her hand? She was alone. And let’s not forget her past Alison hallucinations. Something in her brain is definitely broken. But her little show in front of Caleb was clearly calculated and not real. She’s yet another person that is allowed to be creepy and ominous with nobody pushing her very hard for answers (except Caleb – when it comes to protecting Hanna, he’s all over it). Any further assessment of Mona and her weirdo ways will have to be tabled pending further intel.

The Glovey Shot: Body bag in a freezer full of ice (is the ice necessary when it’s already in a FREEZER?). Has to be Maya, right? Ali’s body wouldn’t have been in a body bag, nor would it have required refrigeration. This was a recent death, which would have to be Maya. Unless someone else is dead – we haven’t seen Jason, Mike, Noel Kahn, Paige or Byron for a while. Also, Glovey was drinking straight vodka. Like an adult. (Can you sense my desperation for this to be Ezra?) But, um, what kind of funeral home doesn’t notice a missing body? Why has this not been reported?

Check out the promo for next week and then hit the comments with all of your thoughts/predictions/theories on Melissa’s non-baby, Mona’s mental state, the Queen of Hearts, Lucas’ assholery, the Black Swan and obviously, Evil!Ezra.