I am telling you, they could change the name of this show from True Blood to Hangin’ With Reverend Steve and I would be all about that, because Steve Newlin is the literal best. Look at that dancing gay vampire American in a Cosby sweater go! Do they give Emmys for the Greatest Contribution to the World of GIFs? Because if they do, Michael McMillian for ALL OF THEM!!!

Well, shit. Last week when VampTara went after Sookie like a mofo, I just assumed that it was Tara being Tara, workin’ out some (justified) rage issues in the most dramatic fashion possible. But then some commenters suggested that we had a Pet Semetery ‘she didn’t come back right’ situation on our hands, due to the fact that her brain had been blown apart before she died. And they may be right, because when Pam locked her in the house, Tara turned into a bull in a china shop…if that bull was also rabid AND high on cocaine.

For most of the episode she was basically acting like one of those people who spends their entire lives living with wolves in the wilderness and then suddenly have to interact with people. You know how people are just constantly emerging from the woods after spending 25 years foraging for berries and not speaking? Basically, she was like if Nell were a vampire (this might literally be the only thing that could have made that movie interesting, btw. Although, the ‘taayyyy inna wiiiin’ references will never get old for me. NEVER). How many of you were screaming at your tvs when Lafayette had that stake poised above her heart during a rare moment of calm? All of you? Even I was kinda just like ‘yeah, do it’ and I like Tara. Because bitch seemed cray, am i right? I thought she was a lost cause. But then at the end she was just all ‘I will never forgive either of you’ at Sookie and Lafayette, and then she took off. Um…so that really WAS just VampTara being melodramatic before? Shit girl, you need to handle your business better than that. It should not be so easy to confuse your anger with the confusion of a person who’s never seen civilization before. Now that she’s talking though, I can’t wait to see where this goes.

There is still nothing interesting to me about this werewolf situation (not even the fact that everyone was mad at Alcide for NOT eating the leader they were all so pissed at him for killing – werewolves: there’s no pleasing them). They hate him but still expect him to become their new leader, and he hates them and doesn’t want to play. Yawn. But I did laugh my ass off at Luna & Sam’s big fight scene. (‘Fuck off’ ‘No, YOU fuck off!’ – Shifters: Not so much with the witty comebacks).

This werewolf pack leadership issue and the werewolf/shifter gang war that seems to be brewing just don’t do anything for me. However, if you’re one of those people who has been thinking that all this storyline needs is a puppy wearing pajamas, well, this was your lucky day, because look:

Bad Emma! She's totally going to get a newspaper on the nose for this mess.

Back to people I care about, Jason is having a rough go of it lately. His sort-of almost girlfriend would rather host the world’s lamest college parties (7 people, chips, beer and Rock Band? Really, Jessica? You’re a VAMPIRE!) than hang out with him. Everyone else he was close with kind of hates him, except Sookie (as if he wants to get all wrapped up in HER drama anyway). His old nemesis Steve is a vampire now and loves him and is even trying to purchase his rock hard ass from Jessica herself. To her credit, she didn’t go for it though. The show was really working overtime to drive home the point that Jason’s dick gets him in a lot of trouble with the ladies. They were hitting on that so hard that it makes me think there must be a plan (that kid showed up at the station to call him a home-wrecker for a reason, right?). Here’s my theory:

Jason’s got 99 problems and a bitch is of all of them. He’s got tweens punching him out for sleeping with their moms, his best friend wants nothing to do with him and has developed a specific kind of Tourette’s that makes him say ‘fuck’ every other word…and all because Jason can’t NOT bang every woman who crosses his path. There was a fairly long scene where he watched Reverend Steve give an interview about his new undead status (and surprise! God doesn’t hate fangs after all – he luuuurrrvess them! Steve was just talking to him tonight, in fact), and Jason seemed to be watching him with appreciation. Could Jason be considering switching teams for the Reverend? Steve IS pretty irresistible. You guys, I will die if this happens. In a good way. On any other show, I’d be calling bullshit at the idea of a character suddenly going gay just because, but this is True Blood, and it’s Jason Stackhouse. He’s so dumb he probably COULD be swayed to the other team with the promise that nobody will yell at him over there. But oddly, given that Steve is being so open to the world about being a vampire, he’s still keeping his inner rainbow hidden – perhaps you can take the vampire out of the Christian Fundamentalist group, but you can’t take the Christian Fundamentalist out of the vampire?

Lastly, we spent some time at the Authority’s lair, and learned that the Vampire Authority are Mac people. I’m bonding with them already.  In addition to Christoper Meloni, the Authority’s Council or whatever is made up of Alastair from Supernatural, Barb from Cougar Town, some other adults, and one massively over-acting child. Also, they have really cool torture techniques, like UV lights and liquid silver administered via IV.

So, it’s no secret that this show has gotten political in the past (the vampire world has previously stood in for the LGBT world, especially in season two with the Fellowship of the Sun being essentially a more attractive, palatable, and media-friendly version of the Westboro Baptist Church). The political leanings are coming into much sharper focus this season, but in a totally different way – a way that will likely end in a civil war within the vampire world. It turns out that there is an Original Testament of the Bible, one that came before the Old and New Testaments, and it’s a doozy. Apparently, God was a vampire(!), and he created Lilith in His image. Adam and Eve? They were merely created as food for Lilith, because that was God’s only true intended purpose for humans as a species. So first of all, how many Christian groups do we think have started letter-writing campaigns (those people ALWAYS use snail mail) to HBO? I bet at least five. Anyway, the Authority wants to keep a lid on this Sanguinista movement (the vamps who want to farm humans for food) because it will obviously pose a major problem to the Authority’s desire for worldwide acceptance of the vampire lifestyle. The Sanguinitas are considered fundamentalist vampires who believe in a literal interpretation of the Original Testament Bible, so you know, fundamentalism is bad, kids! (I realize I sound sarcastic here, but it’s aimed at the heavy-handedness of the analogy, not at the politics behind it).

Apparently this season was inspired by the obvious choices to inspire an HBO soft-core porn show about vampires and werewolves – Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. No, really. Here is a quote from Alan Ball explaining everything to TheWrap.com:

For me the jumping off point was watching the Republican primaries, watching Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and asking what would it be like  to have a theocracy in America – which is way more terrifying than any fictional monster could ever be. Our jumping off point was “OK, what is a vampire theocracy?” You don’t really see vampires being religious creatures. They are excluded from God. But what if there was  a vampire bible? A religion? Theocracy? How would that impact our human  characters, or vampire characters?  I haven’t really seen that before.

See? Told you! And here’s the thing – I’m so excited to see how this plays out. First of all, I’m a Canadian obsessed with American politics, and an atheist fascinated by religion and theology. If I had an alley, this year’s storyline would be driving right up the middle of it. I’m pretty sure that this is the reason why I have such fond memories of season two despite my total hatred of the Maryanne Meat Tree Orgy Parties. I loved the whole idea of the corrupt Fellowship of the Sun and its parallels to the hate groups that exist everywhere. Plus, NEWLINS. So, now the tables are turned though – the theocracy is coming from inside the (vampire) house! I have no doubts which side of the fight King Russell will find himself on when the battle lines are drawn, and now it’s up to Bill & Eric to take him out, hopefully with some downtime to bro-out and bond in the process. I’m excited, you guys! Are you?

Hit the comments with all of your thoughts on the episode, what worked, what didn’t (oh, you wanted more Hoyt? ME TOO!) and what you’re looking forward to this season (is it finding out more about the pyro Iraq vet that Terry & Patrick used to know? ME NEITHER!).