Oh, poor Spencer. Her family is THE WORST. When we first met her and her family actually lived with her, they all treated her pretty shitty, like she was Samantha Baker in the first half of Sixteen Candles. Then, one by one they all secretly moved out (to another city!) and the little lamb still doesn’t even realize it. THEN her mother comes home just long enough to totally cockblock her and then stab her in the back. Remember when Spencer’s mom was a ball-busting lawyer out to save her daughter that one time? For shame, Mrs. Hastings. FOR. SHAME.
There was some more vague discussion of Melissa – Mrs. Hastings said, ‘is there ever such thing as ‘okay’ in her situation?’ when Spencer asked if she was alright. So, I know I may have jumped the gun on the miscarriage assumption last week, but what the hell else could it be? I don’t see this show going into some deep, difficult storyline of Melissa finding out that her unborn baby has an incurable condition or anything (like the fact that it’s actually half a basketball duct taped to her abdomen, maybe? You laugh, but a girl in my high school did EXACTLY THAT in grade 10 to try to get her ex-boyfriend back. She was exposed in a highly dramatic fashion in the smoker’s area in front of about 100 people, and it was pretty awesome).
Spencer is still visiting Garrett the Cryptic in jail, even though her mom was all ‘NEVER VISIT HIM IN JAIL’. Garrett told her that someone they knew well was lying to them (UM…EVERYONE they know is lying to them) but that medical evidence doesn’t lie. Could this be the mysterious PAGE 5? Is page 5 even still a thing? I can’t even remember. Or is he talking about Jenna’s non-blindness? Or Melissa’s non-pregnancy? He was the one squiring her around town to all those ‘OBG-YN appointments’ after all. Spencer still refused to ask her mom for help, but that was probably a wise move considering her mom totally became his lawyer and forbade him from talking to Spencer by episode’s end. Is she trying to protect her daughter from the bad man or trying to protect some family secrets? You decide.
Speaking of visiting cryptic people in creepy places…Hanna is still seeing Mona in an attempt to find out more intel. But since Mona is still in a ‘vegetative state’, she isn’t really getting anywhere. Bring on the makeover! Nothing gets a teenage glamping fan talking like lipstick and mascara. And it sort of worked too – finally Mona broke the silence and asked if they were getting texts again. But of course, just then, visiting hours were over and they absolutely HAD to leave IMMEDIATELY. I wonder if she timed it that way to be all extra dramatic? We know she’s Fakey McFakerson, so I wouldn’t put it past her. Oh, there’s also a little dick-measuring contest starting between Caleb and Dr.
HotBrit Wren. Caleb really needs to cut his hair pronto – it’s the only way he’s going to be able to compete with that accent and those eyes.
Aria – oy. Where to begin? First of all, those earrings – do we think that Alison planted them? And if so, was it to provoke Aria or Byron? They clearly don’t seem to belong to Center Stage (Meredith), and Alison was a huge drama queen, so I’m thinking she was behind it all. But what was the motivation? Did she have a crush on Byron and wanted to end the affair with Meredith? Was she sleeping with Byron (oh my god, the hypocrisy of that being the case would be EXQUISITE) and wanted to get rid of his other mistress? And why was that threat from A such a threat? What would releasing the earring to the police do? It’s not like they could tie it to Aria digging up the grave.
But whatever. The threat worked, and Aria admitted that she was the one who trashed Poet Dad’s office back in the day. Byron barely held back tears during Aria’s confession but anger took control of his weeping tendencies and he expressed his extreme disappointment. Which I get, but no matter how bad her behavior, what kind of dick dad makes his daughter apologize to the bitch he cheated on her mom with? That was some bullshit and I can’t believe that Aria actually did it. Oh and in case it wasn’t clear before, it is now – Meredith is a total cooze and we hate her. And now she’s going to start dating Byron for real and she’s going after a job at Rosewood High. If she starts having a thing with Emily I think we might have to report PLL to Child Protective Services.
Okay, now let’s get to the good stuff. The ‘Ezra is totally psycho’ stuff. The evidence is mounting, and I know that this is not just me seeing what I want to see. I refuse to believe otherwise. First there was his apology to Emily about Maya, which seemed far too intense and layered to be a simple ‘sorry your 30 year old girlfriend got murdered’ and more like an ‘I’m sorry I butchered your 30 year old girlfriend and then buried her in your front yard’ kind of apology. Then there was the weird ‘Ella cheats for Emily’ scene, where A (or someone) was watching her and then Ezra just happened to pop by and inquire about Emily’s grade in a really passive-aggressive way, because that’s totally normal. I mean, please tell me you guys are seeing this. HE’S CRAZY. I love it. The show could seriously string me along for YEARS this way – I can’t get enough of his weird eye contact and random intensity, and the fact that NOBODY picks up on it. Evil!Ezra for all the awards!
I was so focused on Ezra that I almost forgot to mention the friendship bracelet from hell that Emily found in her bag. It had TEETH ON IT. Human teeth, according to tooth expert Hanna. And it said ‘Dead Girls Don’t Smile’. Are the teeth Maya’s? Ali’s? Are they from some random girl that Ezra has had stuffed under his floorboards for two years already? We’ll never know because those freaking morons flushed it down the toilet. BY ACCIDENT. Only them.
Okay, lastly – huge bombshell. Jenna was the one driving the mystery car the night that Emily was taken and placed next to Ali’s grave. And Emily remembers it! But there was that little matter of her being ‘blind’ to contend with. But the girls made an impromptu plan that actually fucking worked (maybe they need to do everything on the fly – when they start thinking, shit goes wrong). I love that the liars finally know that Jenna is a lying liar who lies, and I was impressed with their sleuthing, although everyone knows that the best way to test whether someone is lying about being blind is to throw a bible at their head in a packed courtroom:
The best part of this discovery is Spencer’s dastardly plan to use the knowledge that Jenna can see against her. Because she doesn’t know they know. I’m hoping this turns into a big Friends clusterfuck with ‘but they don’t KNOW I know they know’ and so on. So the question remains – what are they going to do with this knowledge? Blackmail her? Expose her? Maybe they’ll throw a bible at her head after all.
The A Shot: This one showed someone buying leather gloves and several hoodies – enough for a TEAM. The A-Team, obvs. The shoulder looked distinctly male to me, so I am assuming that it’s Ezra of course, but it could be anyone.
Okay guys, what are you thinking? What’s the deal with Melissa? What’s up with the bracelet? Why is Spencer’s mom defending Garrett? On a scale of ‘Kind of’ to ‘Batshit’, how crazy is Ezra? Is Wren going to make a play for Hanna? So many questions! Can’t wait to hear from you in the comments!