So. This episode is called “Poseidon Adventure”. I like my title better mainly because I’m a self-proclaimed jackass so it makes me feel close to Jim knowing that’s what he thinks of himself. Really, for me, it’s not only self-proclaimed. Lots of people tell me I’m a jackass. I think they mean it in a good, fun way. Mostly.

That said, I almost named my recap “We Also Found This Dried Foamy Fluid in Your Backseat” because it made me laugh, grossed me out, made me think of last week’s conversations in the comments section because now, along with never wanting to eat or prepare food in my office kitchen, I also never want to sit in anybody’s back seat again. Ever.

Moving right along…we open with a fun day at the beach. Hot chicks in bikinis, of course. And then…a not so hot lifeguard leering at the bikini girls in a total cheeseball way that makes it seem like there’s no way he realizes that he’s never going to get hot bikini girls. Listen, I know we have Passmore as eye candy. Does that mean we can’t have a hot, built “realistic” lifeguard too? If I’m drowning I don’t want cheeseball, doughboy, with a sunburnt back trying to save me…I want a tall, built, evenly tanned dude who looks like he was born on the beach and who can lift me gently to safety and ascertain whether or not he’ll need to do mouth to mouth and I won’t mind if he does ‘cuz he’s beautiful. He also won’t have to “leer” at passing biking girls ‘cuz they’ll all be hanging around his lifeguard station.

Shit…I’ve taken that too far, huh? Especially since the lifeguard doesn’t really matter at all. Except, after creepily leering at the bikini girls & believing he has a shot with them, he thinks he sees a shark fin in the water…cue “Jaws” music…and then…it’s a dead mermaid. Obviously.

Next scene is where the show REALLY starts & we’re immediately paid back for the pathetic excuse of a lifeguard. Callie’s primping in a beautiful bathroom & then Jim steps out of the shower. Wet, yummy, wrapped in a towel. Knowing my prediction from last week…that we’re totally being set up for heartbreak…I think we should really just wrap the show here. Jim & Callie cuteness in the bathroom with Jim half nekkid. Brilliant. Roll credits.

No? Oh…alright.

Turns out Callie didn’t get the job that she never really wanted/never really applied for in the first place. You know, the one at Port St. Lucy that Carlos made quiet calls about? That one. So now she’s thinking it’s some kind of sign..that her not finding a nursing job means she should think about doing what she’s really always wanted to do…so, she’s going to take out a loan & go to med school full time. Great plan, lady…Jim seems genuinely excited for you. Question, though…and, keep in mind I’m not in the banking industry…how often do banks give out med school loans to single mothers with no income? Just curious. Still, let’s not dash those dreams with logic…you go to your meeting at the bank, babygirl. *fingers crossed*

Jim & Carlos on the beach!! This makes me happy. Also making me happy…the random, sporadic appearance of Jim’s golf club (not a euphemism). I just love that Jim’s love for golf is a running theme. Anyway, they’re checking out the dead mermaid. Carlos thinks accidental drowning. Which is stupid ‘cuz as IF mermaids can’t swim. Jim thinks it’s stupid too except he makes the keen observation that the chick has huge triceps so OBViously she’s a swimmer. Which is kinda what I said with more science. Or something. Then they’re discussing her manicure…which makes me laugh ‘cuz Carlos knows by looking that it’s a “$40 manicure, at least”. Jim’s a little disturbed that Carlos knows this until Carlos reminds him that he lives in a house with women. Even upon inspection of Carlos’ clearly well MANicured hands, Jim does not seem envious.

Jim needs Daniel to do some tides & currents research & blah blah blah. Jim calls Daniel & hears his phone ringing from a few feet away ‘cuz Daniel’s already there. Apparently he’s a mermaniac (which I totally stole from Jim) who’s seen every mermaid show, everywhere, ever (I may be exaggerating). So he’s already got the info that Jim needs.

Here come some case details…our dead mermaid is Cassandra Hudson. She’s not really a mermaid. Disappointing. The fake fin cost $10,000! She has a bad girl sister named Brooke. They’re both “Sirens of the Sea”…I can’t remember if we learned that all at once…either way it’s true. The manager of the “Sirens” show is Jay Nelson who is in a bunch of pictures with Cassandra in the apartment that the sisters share. Of course, everything Jim & Daniel find in the apartment lead us to believe that Cassandra is the best, most responsible sibling ever & Brooke is a waste of space, leeching off her sister. And of course, at this point, Brooke’s in the wind so she’s suspect numero uno (my Spanish is limited but I think that’s right). I will be surprised if this is what we believe at the end of the show.

Jim goes to visit Jay at the “Sirens” rehearsal. You know, when they were talking about mermaid shows, I was picturing girls swimming in some big, elaborate tank designed to look like an underwater fantasy land like Ariel’s home with King Triton in “The Little Mermaid” but when we got to the rehearsal we see it’s straight up synchronized swimming which totally led me to think about Tiki’s Grandad & his recently formed synchronized swim team with the men of Mystic Falls. But that’s a whole different fandom. Still, that’s what it made me think of. And I laughed…a lot.

Okay, here’s where I need to really start glossing over some things ‘cuz I’m already rambling like crazy and we’re not even 10 minutes into the show. For real.

So, back at the station, Jim’s babbling with Manus about trying to get Brooke’s picture out to see if they can find her. Manus sees Callie sitting in Jim’s office…’cuz it’s normal for your unemployed girlfriend to just show up at work when she knows you’re working a murder case…right? Anyway, Manus, Jim’s BOSS, says she’ll take care of the missing person’s flyers or milk cartons or whatever while Jim goes to deal with his girl.

Surprise!! The bank doesn’t want to give Callie a loan ‘cuz she doesn’t have a job.  The HELL you say!? It’s weird how banks want you to have a way to pay them back & stuff. Jim suggests she take a break. The concept seems foreign to Callie so Jim has to explain further “…as in, do nothing. It’s what ‘take a break’ means.” She agrees but still seems puzzled. She may not be smart enough for med school. Just a thought.

For the record, if Jim was suggesting I take a break from working & having to study really, fucking hard…I’d totally take him up on it. I could deal with him being my sugar daddy. Just another thought.

The search for Brooke gets easier. She’s been in the drunk tank since the night before. Doesn’t want to talk about her sister. Wants to go swimming which is exactly what I’d want to do if I’d just found out my sister was murdered & I’d spent the night in jail not remembering half the shit that went down during my drunken stupor. She looks more suspicious. I still don’t buy it.

This made me laugh (back at the station…or the lab…somewhere):

Daniel: Guess what Carlos found in Cassandra’s tail?

Jim: My patience?

Carlos: Yeah, it was right next to your sense of humour, you’re welcome.

It doesn’t seem as funny to me typed out but that could be because I was in my beautiful “zero gravity” lounge chair sitting in the sun today & when I propelled myself forward to get out I tweaked my back. So it’s been spasming all day and right now, as I type, I’m on back pain medication in the hopes that as soon as I wrap this up it’ll knock me out, let me get a half decent sleep & help me to not wake up in pain everytime I toss and/or turn. And, I know that, even on back pain meds, if I laugh it is NOT going to feel good. So either it wasn’t as funny as I thought or the mind is a powerful thing when it comes to self-preservation & not wanting to experience pain.

The gist of the “guess what Carlos found” scene & what made it funny for me is that Carlos found an octopus & Daniel explained that octopuses (octopi?) like to hide in dark places. Like…inside Cassandra’s “tail”. So that, coupled with the earlier “we found dried foamy fluid in your backseat” just about made my head explode with how much I love well placed euphemisms…even if they’re unintentional but in this case I’m really hoping they were totally intentional. I won’t apologize for any of this…I told you last week I was juvenile.

We meet DMAC (I forget his “real” name)…a one hit wonder, black rap start cliché who’s famous for a song called “Boom Bam Bounce”. He’s involved in trying to get the “Sirens of the Sea” show off the ground…so to speak. (Sidenote: it’s really time to fast forward this & wrap it up ‘cuz otherwise we’ll be here all day…so let me switch the format up a little bit….as if I really have one… and go straight to summary style.)

Jim thinks, for a minute, that DMAC had a thing for Cassandra. Untrue says DMAC…she’s too goody-goody for his tastes. Jim goes back to thinking it’s Brooke…out of jealousy…or maybe Jay because he was in love with Cassandra…then back to Brooke & thinking Jay’s trying to cover for Brooke ‘cuz he’s figured out that Jay’s actually in love with her…NOT with Cassandra ‘cuz on closer inspection, Cassandra’s a total bitch.  Eventually we find that not only is she a bitch, the whole goody-goody thing was totally untrue too & Cassandra was in business with DMAC and that business was scamming the “Sirens” investors out of millions of dollars. One of those investors being her PARENTS!!! Rude. And if that wasn’t enough, she took it a step further, cut DMAC out of her plans & totally ripped him off too and had plans to run away to Switzerland (I think it was Switzerland…I can’t remember exactly where they said it & I’m too mellow now to go back & check).

Bottom line…DMAC’s our killer. He was pissed ‘cuz “the bitch” played him. Jim summed up the story for him & gave him a “You boom bam killed her, Darryl.” Ha.

Jim goes on to play matchmaker with Brooke & Jay. Which is sweet…but please stop doing that when I KNOW heartbreak is coming for us.

And here it comes…ugh. Case is closed. Jim’s done playing Cupid. And he’s walking into Callie’s house as she’s walking out. She’s headed to a community college course that’ll help her work with an acupuncturist. Jim doesn’t want her to do that if the job in Atlanta is still open…it is. She learned this between defrosting the fridge & a Storage Wars marathon (THAT would not be my first pick for an uninterrupted, nobody is expecting anything from me anytime soon, I can watch any show I want TV marathon session). Jim thinks that even though she’s staying in Florida for them, that she’s sacrificed enough. He says they’ve been through so much, they can do this…ATL’s only an hour long flight away, afterall. He says (with his voice breaking & fuck I hate hearing men all emotional & stuff), “maybe it’s time one of us jackasses stepped up and did something for you.  Let ME be that jackass.” He’s perfect.  Cue hugging & sad faces but no actual decision from Callie so I’m going to hold out hope…even if it goes against everything that I am…that we’ll come back next week (I haven’t seen the previews) and miraculously Callie will have had a fantastic job offer which will make it impossible for her to even think of going to Atlanta to work with Dr. Jerk Avery. Or…she’ll have won the lottery. Whatever.

These are a few of my favourite things…from this episode:

Callie & Jim slow dancing all sweet & stuff until DMAC’s Boom Bam Bounce starts playing which chases them off the dance floor. Jim ends up offering to co-sign her school loan. Which is very sweet but she says “no”. She’ll get into some other health care something or other like injecting Botox or working as a physical therapist at a yoga studio. Jim’s happy she has a plan but I’m not sure he buys it & he just wants her to be happy.  Awww!

Jim showing up to Callie’s house with cheese fries for her just ‘cuz he thought it was that kinda day. So perfect. I mean, for MY “that kinda day” I’d prefer a banana split or an Oreo (or Reese’s Pieces) Blizzard but the cheese fries would do too. Callie asks if Jim’s solved the case yet. No, not yet silly. We’re only halfway through. He’s trying to figure out why the killer would’ve taken the time to put the tail on her after he murdered her. Callie gets all technical & explains using a touch of psychology what women are like. (Maybe she IS smart enough for med school.) But, she’s only joking…sort of, I guess…’cuz she goes on with a women & new shoes analogy. When women get something beautiful & new they try it on immediately. She figures Cassandra put the tail on herself & then was murdered. The whole thing about this makes me really want to believe that next we’ll come back to that miraculous job offer that I mentioned before being an offer for Callie to work directly with the FDLE in some sort of consultant capacity that lets her work through cases with Jim…’cuz she’s obviously great at that…AND lets her give her medical expertise when needed. THIS is what’s going to happen. Right?

Jim & Carlos at the “Sirens” fundraising event at DMAC’s…it was at DMAC’s…right? Before I get to what I loved about this, let me tell you that I nearly lost my mind AGES ago when Keri Hilson came out with her “Pretty Girl Rock” song. The fact that Ciara then came out with “Pretty Girl Swag”….???? Come. On. First, I don’t really know when the songs came out or who released theirs first and I truly don’t care enough to look it up. I just really wish these idiots would stop making shitty songs just for “pretty girls”. Like being pretty is the most important thing in the world. Like teenage girls (shit, women of all ages) don’t have enough issues with the twisted perception of what’s “pretty” and what’s acceptable. And, I think…even in my own mind, there’s only a loose connection between their songs and the shit that media pulls regularly to make women feel less than adequate, but still…that’s automatically what those songs make me think of.

Ummmm…I said this was one of my favourite parts…right? So yeah….Jim & Carlos are at DMAC’s & the “Sirens” are performing and Jim happens upon Carlos who is mesmerized by the girls. Then this happens…

Jim: Keep lookin’ like that and we’ll both go blind.

Then some stuff about being there is torture…or at least that’s what Carlos will tell his wife when she asks.

Then Jim: What do you even call that?

Carlos: A wet dream.

Brilliant.

Callie/Jeff scene. We start with a shot of Callie watching TV…clearly bored…and of course she’d be bored. She was watching some bear in the wild show then flicked to a snow boarder and then the European stock market. I was bored watching her watch. Then Jeff came home from school & she’s SO relieved…he’s obviously there to entertain her…like teenage boys do (they really, really don’t…except mine…he’s hysterically funny when he wants to be and that’s definitely not at my command). Jeff can tell his mom’s bored but can’t muster anything up more than one word answers which bores Callie even more. Then, again, proving she knows teenage boys more than anybody else ever, she lets him go to his room to do his homework, like he’d wanted…but only so that he could finish ASAP and they could get to their game of Yahtzee later.  I mean, I don’t know Jeff very well…and maybe he really loves the game…but I’d hazard a guess that THAT’s not the way she was going to lure him into rushing through his homework to get back out for an evening of “fun” with his mom.

I think that’s it. The pain meds are kicking in…I’m not sure I’m seeing straight and still I have to be up for work in the morning. See…I need a Sugar Daddy Jim in my life. Or to win the lottery. Whatever.

Can we continue this in the comments? Is there anything left to discuss? Tell me what I’ve left out…what did you love? Can you also let me know if Jim’s gun will work now after jumping in the pool to save a lifeless looking Brooke who, it turns out, was just practicing holding her breath? I would think the water would ruin the bullets. Or something.