I love this .gif and will never tire of it.

Oh my god, I have not looked forward to the start of a season of True Blood like this, ever. And I have to qualify that by saying that I caught up on season one juuuust before season two started, so I didn’t have a long, painful year of wondering if Lafayette, the fiercest cook in Bon Temps, would survive. And then seasons two and three were just so mehhhh for me that I wasn’t as into it all enough to really think about the show when it wasn’t on my tv for all those months. I was not a Maryanne fan, and I wanted to slaughter everyone at that werepanther meth village/auto parts junkyard/gang rape mecca myself. And don’t even get me started on the fucking fairies. Just don’t.

But then last season happened, and for the most part it was just pretty good (but still a hell of a lot better than the two before it, in my opinion). The one major thing that did not work for me was Amnesia Eric and Sookie, being all cutesy and making love in the woods (or anywhere). Eric is awesome because he’s a badass. When Eric is a whipped puppy pining after the holder of the Super Snatch (thank you Pam for the phrasing), he’s boring as hell, and actually pretty annoying. So, I was not a huge fan of that part of the season. But then, that finale. The finale had a SPECTACULAR last ten minutes, setting up so many things for this year that made me SO EXCITED for season five. And then I had to wait for another freaking year to see it all play out. But it’s finally here!

Oh and if you just come to this site for the True Blood recaps, let me introduce myself: I’m Nicole and I’ll be taking over coverage of our favorite wacky southern gothic supernatural creatures from SB, who couldn’t do it this year (but have no fear, she will be covering Awkward when it starts at the end of the month). I’m also covering Pretty Little Liars this summer, which is actually a perfect companion show, because the frustration of all of the barely-there sex and violence on PLL is fully realized with the crazy amounts of both on True Blood. When you think about it, they are totally the Madonna and the Whore of summer horror shows.

Here’s what had me so excited at the end of last season: Russell, of course. While characters like Sookie (ugh as a person, double ugh for being a goddamn fairie) and Tara (I’m a fan, but I want them to give her more to do than being a constant victim because I’m sick of her crying through every episode) will always be controversial, everyone has to agree that Russell just makes for good tv. He carried his dead lover’s liquefied remains around in a glass jar! He is the best! And he got out of his grave at the end of last year, which can only be a good thing.

Next, VAMPIRE STEVE NEWLIN. I suspect that I may be the only one who almost had a happiness seizure when the extremely preppy, extremely religious reverend of the Fellowship of the Sun showed up at Jason’s house sporting FANGS. But I don’t care. I loved that entire arc in season two (and not just because it was a break from the Maryanne bullshit) and Steve was such a fantastic jackass that I can’t wait to see what kind of shit he and Jason get into now that he’s a member of the un-dead.

There’s so much else that I can’t wait for too – Scott Foley’s character seems interesting (and I love when Noel Crane shows up anywhere). Hoyt, Jason and Jessica broke my heart last year (because awwwww….Hoyt) and I’m dying to see that play out. Christopher Meloni joining the cast? Excellent. I don’t watch L&O so it’s been a while since I’ve seen him (but he’s hella funny – just watch him in Wet Hot American Summer or Harold & Kumar. We also know that he has no qualms getting naked for HBO – see, Oz).

Okay, I think I’ve set up my feelings about this show enough – let’s talk about the premiere, because it was the shizz.

Sookie, Lafayette, Pam & Tara

Okay, well – if you didn’t know that this was coming, you haven’t been watching tv for very long (or your Tara hate is so strong that you were willing to ignore the laws of tv so that you could prematurely celebrate her ‘death’). Frankly, I’m happy. I feel like this is going to be the Tara that we’ve been waiting to see for four years now. No more crying. No more getting fucked over yet AGAIN by Sookie’s crazy life and her fairy vagina. Finally Tara gets to be a badass (and not in a random mixed martial arts non-story like the beginning of last season).

And how awesome is Pam? When she walked out of Sookie’s house in that yellow Wal-Mart sweatsuit, I DIED you guys. She must really, REALLY love Eric to put that on her body.

And Lafayette just broke my freaking heart, again. Still. Whatever – it’s constant heartbreak with him. And he’s the best person on this show so it makes it that much harder to see him get hurt over and over and over again. But what is up with Jesus’s body, y’all? Where did it go? Is there a chance of Kevin Alejandro coming back to the show?  Because I am all about that. Lafayette also made this face at Alcide, which was excellent:

Jason, Jessica, Hoyt & Reverend Steve

This was, for me, the most fun part of the episode. Obviously my love for Vampire Steve Newlin knows no bounds, but I had no idea how much more I’d love him after the premiere. He is in love with Jason! And he was only jealous about Jason fucking his wife because HE DIDN’T GET TO FUCK HIM HIMSELF!!!! If I had decided to write some True Blood fan fiction over the summer (I didn’t), this might have been the exact plot you guys. I couldn’t be happier about this turn of events. One, because it lets Steve go completely cray, which he is great at, and two, because it let’s Jason be funny. Jason is always at his best when he’s confused. And I LOVED both Steve’s confession and Jason’s super-sweet response. It went nicely with Jessica’s not at all sweet reaction, which was to basically claim Jason as her own and tell Steve to fuck off.

But does Jessica really feel that way? It seemed sincere, but then less than 24 hours later, there she was hosting a college party at her house, and flirting with other guys right in front of Jason’s (ever-confused) face. At least they got to sing a little karaoke together:

So much better than Glee.

The fourth person in this growing web (is it a love trapezoid now that Steve’s around?), Hoyt, was barely in this episode. He only had one scene, but apparently he’s started hanging out with a bunch of morons who all decided that if they just pretend that high school isn’t over, it never has to be. What the hell? I know he’s hurt (justified) and angry (ditto), but his behavior at Merlotte’s was a total pussy move. He literally could have been in seventh grade with all of the pathetic insults he was throwing Jason’s way. Girlfriend-fucker? Seriously? C’mon Hoyt – you can do better. I’m excited to see how he goes from here to the Hoyt we’ve seen in the promos – the one with guyliner and leather pants. YUM. I can’t wait. Did I mention that I love Hoyt? Because I do. I think he’s my favorite in all of Bon Temps. So here’s hoping that his little backslide into junior high is only temporary.

Sam, Alcide, Luna & Miscellaneous Werewolves

Yaaawwwwwwnnnnnnnnn. I don’t know what it is, but I find it really hard to care about the werewolves on this show. They’re better than the methpanthers, but only because they haven’t gang-raped Jason in a dirty shed. Yet. And so far, the shapeshifters are only slightly more interesting than the wolves and that’s only because one of them is Sam. I like Sam a lot, and I really hate that he’s been bogged down with this animal-based side story for what seems like an eternity, barely interacting with anyone else besides Luna and a random assortment of super aggro wolf people (does he even go to work anymore???).

The wolf pack was all over Sam’s ass because they wanted to avenge the death of their former packleader Marcus (the greasy-haired ex of Luna, father of Emma) and Sam didn’t want to rat out Alcide, so he was ready to take the fall. But then Alcide stepped up and took the blame, turning his entire pack against him. Someone please buy Alcide this t-shirt ASAP, size XXXL:

Terry, Arlene & Patrick

Okay, so that fire that everyone thought was started by Terry & Arlene’s psycho baby? Maybe not. Maybe it had something to do with a random, mysterious event that took place in Iraq several years ago instead. Confused? Me too, but that’s why Terry’s old platoon buddy Patrick (aka Scott Foley) is in town. I guess there’s some unfinished business that needs finishing, since everyone in their troop has had their house burn down the same way. No idea where this is going but Foley is so great, as is Todd Lowe as Terry, so I’m willing to be patient.

Eric, Bill & Nora

So the Vampire Authority are after Bill & Eric, and they decide to run. Only unbeknownst to them, they had someone on the inside helping them as well – Eric’s ‘sister’ Nora. Their relationship is complicated, but it can be summed up thusly:

Now, to be fair, she’s not his sister by birth. Instead, they share a maker. So, I guess this is all just hunky dory? Except…

He calls her ‘sister’ WHILST HIS PENIS IS IN HER VAGINA. That just seems wrong, no matter who gave birth to them. Bill agrees with me:

Uh...so...are you guys European?

But god, I love this storyline already. Eric and Bill on the run together? Being funny together? Hopefully kicking some ass together? And a little incestual side-action to boot? This is going to be SO much better than Lost Puppy Eric ravaging Sookie in a meadow, am I right?

Alright, that does it for me – I’m turning it over to you. How are you feeling about season five? Are you as excited by all of the potential storylines as I am? Who do love/hate? How pissed are you that Tara’s not dead? We here at OCTV are shameless comment whores, so don’t be shy.

If you’re the promo-watching type, here is the preview for next week: