It seems like just yesterday that we were learning the identity of A, or rather, the tip of the A iceberg that probably ends 100 feet below sea level given that A seems to be more impenetrable than the Dharma Initiative at this point. So, we’ve all come to terms with the fact that rather than starting entirely new mysteries each season, we’re simply going to spend the next few years answering the same question, one Russian nesting doll at a time, right? Good. We have to come to peace with that if we want to move past our frustration and focus on what matters – inappropriate clothes, absentee parents and crazy-assed shenanigans. Two out of three of which were waiting for us in the season three premiere (shockingly, the moms were all present and accounted for at the same time this week – the dads must have been camping or leading some seminars in the Secret Boy Cave).

Since the episode featured one central story orbited by individual character arcs, I’m going to do the same with this recap otherwise I am doomed to ramble. At least this way, there’s only a 50% chance of that happening.

The Main Clusterfuck

So, the summer has gone by since Mona was outed, and the girls are together for the first time since Emily returned from building houses in Haiti (where one house is shelter for 50 people according to Hanna). They’re drinking, toasting their freedom from A, when to the shock of absolutely nobody, shit starts happening again. Drunk Emily is lured away in the night, waking up beside Alison’s empty grave with a shovel in her hand and no memory of what happened. So naturally, the girls construct an elaborate lie that puts them miles away from the crime, which they could do so easily because obviously Spencer’s parents were not at home to contradict their story. What could go wrong?

Oh, just everything. The girls start receiving texts and phone calls, getting passive-aggressively intimidated in the school bathroom and ultimately threatened with photographic evidence that they lied to everyone. A new A has sprung up in Mona’s place – one that claims to play with body parts instead of a bunch of stupid dolls. Good times! Now, let’s talk about each liar on her own, because they all had a lot going on.

Spencer

Spencer is obviously still living alone in her family’s estate because they all secretly moved out last season (I still don’t think she knows this, because she keeps talking as though one of them is expected home at some point). As a result, she’s playing house with Toby but they aren’t having sex. Sure sure, totally believable.

Oh god, I have to tell you how quickly my mind jumps straight to the bottom of the gutter. When Spencer was heaving her bosom at shirtless Toby and saying that she couldn’t remember why she had wanted to wait to have sex, he turned her around so that she had her back to him and said, ‘Oh, you’ll remember’. I swear to you my first thought was that he was going to bend her over the bed and finish the thought with ‘When I tear your ass apart’. But no, he was simply freeing her from the wanton distraction of his sinewy, tatted-up hip and (correctly) reassuring her that, once clothed, his ability to inspire lust would be significantly reduced. As if any straight teenaged male would EVER willingly cockblock himself like that.

Spencer had spent the summer traveling to that wretched country motel, sitting in Mona’s former lair (now empty) and recreating on her computer everything that they had seen in there before it was cleared out (MYSTERIOUSLY). I mean…this is pretty dumb, right? If she can remember it so well, why does she have to keep going there? I mean, the phrase ‘take a picture – it’ll last longer’ was invented for situations like this. And how does she remember every minor detail like that? Who does she think she is – Mike Ross from Suits? (Which I’ve totally caught up on by the way and I am also now aware that real life Spencer is dating real life Mike Ross in real life so the reference is extra on point).

Also on the Spencer front, Garrett called her to the jail to tell her that he’s innocent but he might know who killed Ali and he definitely knows who dug up the body. Spencer hates him so she’s all ‘I hate you, goodbye’ and I’m like, ‘God, at least LISTEN to him, dumbass’. I mean, she claims to want information but when information is offered up, she rejects it. He wants her mom to lawyer up for him in exchange for talking, and Spencer, like all the liars, refuses to ask her parents for help with the unknown mob that seems to want them either dead or in jail. Good to see they haven’t suddenly become rational over the summer.

Hanna

Hanna has been making trips on the downlow to visit Mona in the mental hospital for a few weeks, and Mona is basically catatonic (OR IS SHE?). She sits, staring into middle distance like a teenager getting a lecture on responsibility while Hanna alternates between trying to bond with her and venting her anger about that time that Mona tried to kill her and her friends. I thought that Mona was totally playing her, especially when she was standing behind the door like a freak, watching Hanna in the hallway. But then later, she had a little bonding session with ‘Alison’ while Hanna was in the room (so obviously it wasn’t some not-dead/still-alive version of Ali), so I’m thinking the crazy is official, yes?

Also hanging out at the mental ward is handsome Brit Wren (convenient). Is this suspicious or merely an excuse to keep his hot self in our lives? I don’t really care as long as he hangs around. But I worry for Caleb, because if Hanna starts spending lots of alone time bonding with Wren, Caleb’s unfortunate hair is going to start to look even more unfortunate. Stringy-haired hacker vs. rakishly handsome and charming British doctor? Um…no contest.

Also, Hanna cut her hair and I mostly like it, but sometimes it looked kind of busted, especially from the back. But girl can rock a bikini like whoa.

Emily

Emily is a totally different person this year. She’s depressed (oh right…Maya), borderline alcoholic and all deep and cool and self-destructive and dark. Basically, she’s Dylan McKay. After being taken out to Ali’s grave, losing her (shitty) ex-girlfriend and everything else, she’s not a happy camper.At least she’s got her buddy Toby to talk it out with, since she doesn’t seem to want to talk to her friends or her mom. Hey, Paige? Now would be a good time for you to return to our lives…

Aria

Oh…Aria. She’s still with Ezra, obviously, because they are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER and all that, and she’s still dumber than a box of hair. Case in point – when the girls revealed to Emily at the end of the episode that Mona’s lair had been cleared out AFTER Mona was arrested but before the cops got to it, my immediate thought was ‘Okay, so now they know for sure that Mona had help, or worked for someone, or something along those lines’. So I was watching Emily for her reaction to this big, scary news. But then like five minutes into the conversation, Aria’s all, ‘OHMIGOD, does this mean that Mona had HELP?????’. Bitch, weren’t you part of this big secret for the past three freaking months?  Is this really now just occurring to you?? But then I remember that it’s Aria, and it actually doesn’t seem so unusual.

So…like I said, she’s still with Ezra, and her mom is coming around to the idea even though her dad can barely function when his name is mentioned. Oh, and Ella and Weeping Poet Dad? D-I-V-O-R-C-I-N-G. Good for Ella – time to move on to literally anyone else! Just because I happen to agree with his opinion of Ezra and Aria’s relationship doesn’t mean I like a single other thing about him, other than the jokes I get to make at his expense.

Okay, now, my hope/desire/DESPERATE NEED for Ezra to be evil is no secret. I spent the last few eps of last season excitedly watching for clues that my dream would come true, and I thought I was seeing them. Ezra seemed kind of off-kilter, a little darker, and almost kind of threatening at certain points. But then the dance came, and he didn’t kill or even threaten to kill a single person and I was crushed. But now, was it just me or were there traces of that kind of weird, vaguely disturbing version of Ezra last night (aside from all the statutory rape, I mean)? First was that scene where he was reading the article about Garrett’s arrest for Ali & Maya’s murders and he seemed SO all about it and just almost kind of excited and happy to point every finger he had at Garrett. Almost like he was deflecting something?  And then later, when he went to the police station after the liars were questioned (for the billionth time) and Ella stepped up to him because she didn’t want him to go in, and he was all calm and kind of cold, saying ‘I thought we had moved past this’, with nary an apology in his cold, dead eyes? Did anyone else pick up on that? Just me? I DON’T CARE, I SHALL CARRY THE EVIL!EZRA TORCH FOR US ALL!!!

Oh, Aria also cut her hair and it looks great. So great that I want to take a picture of her to the salon with me.

Random Observations:

• Lucas was running around town looking shifty and talking to a tall, thin brunette at school.
• Speaking of tall, thin brunettes – still no word on the identity of The Black Swan. Who Is She?
• Speaking of The Black Swan and how there’s no way she could have been Melissa since Melly-Mel was busy being visibly pregnant, guess who had a miscarriage? OR DID SHE?
• At the Secret Boy Cave with the dads this week: Mike, Jason, Holden, Noel Kahn
• NO JENNA AT ALL, what is up PLL?????
• Award for dumbest outfit of the week goes unquestionably to Toby and his sheer t-shirt when he met Emily at the cafe. Guess what, buddy? If I can see your nipples, it is not technically a shirt.
• At the sleepover when the girls woke up and noticed Emily was gone, Spencer came in the room a touch later, claiming that Emily was nowhere to be found. Is this not EXACTLY what happened when Alison disappeared? Plus, the call that lured Emily out of the house came from Spencer’s phone and we’re obviously supposed to believe it was done on purpose but WHAT IF SPENCER IS CRAZY??? Something to keep on the backburner for now…
• That last scene with the car and the pictures in the motel parking lot truly freaked me out. I don’t know why, but doors being opened like that en masse seems highly threatening. A friend of mine did that to me once in my apartment – I went to the bathroom and when I came back out, every cupboard and drawer in my kitchen was wide open and it scared the shit out of me y’all. I found this scene almost as freaky as the doll hospital.

Okay, well – I think that about covers it! Now I want to hear from you guys – are you in for the season? What did I miss? Theories? I want to hear it all, so hit the comments!!!

US Promo: